Thankful

The stress of the holidays in Stepmomville has been all over the smom forums lately, as it's that time of year. I admit I hadn't given it much thought, since we never spend holidays with The Kid. We usually make our own special rituals on a different day.
That is, until The Ex texted The Husband and asked, "What's up for Thanksgiving?" We discussed it and decided to ask The Kid what he wanted to do; no pressure, just his preference for how the day goes. He said he wanted to spend the day with our family (our parents, grandparents, siblings and a few misfits). So The Husband texted back that we would pick him up at a certain time on T-day. And then she said no.
Huh?
It seems that once she understood the schedule of our day, she told my husband he could pick up The Kid at the exact time we sit down for dinner. At my grandparents' house, an hour away.
At this point, I caught on to her game and, despite the fact that I want The Kid to enjoy holiday time with his dad, I put my foot down (for only the second time ever, I swear!) and said he could pick up The Kid at the time stated or much later that night. Because quite frankly, I'm sick of her flexing her first wife muscles and using their son as a means to disrupt our lives.
Soo....
For the first time ever, The Kid is spending a holiday with us. Because he said he wanted to. Even though his mom wasn't thrilled with the idea.
It's not a competition thing. The Husband and I just want The Kid to be happy, to feel welcome and safe and fat and happy, all those quintessential holiday feelings. And this year, he wanted to eat with us. It might seem like a small feat, but it's actually huge that his mom listened to him.
And it's also huge that we, being unwilling to bow down to The Almighty Ex, stood our ground and didn't have to rearrange our lives for her.
For this, I am not only thankful. I am also hopeful.

Quotable Sunday

Cease expecting, and you have all things.

BUDDHA

Jealous

As The Ex moves forward with her engagement, I find myself very conflicted.
I'm happy, because she's so enamored right now that The Kid is getting lots of time with his dad. I'm also happy because she's so in love that she has no time or energy to focus on messing with us.
I'm nervous because she's only been dating him from three months and it all seems kind of rushed.
But mainly, I am jealous.
I'm jealous that Stepdad has the full support of The Husband and will never have to deal with a contentious, hateful ex.
I'm jealous that Stepdad doesn't have to tiptoe around wondering if someone is going to snap.
I'm jealous that The Kid liked him from the getgo, because nobody told him not to.
I'm jealous that no one ever talks badly about Stepdad.
I'm jealous that, after three months, Stepdad is allowed to all sporting events and school activities but it took me 5 years to get an invite. And even then, it was a one-time deal.
I'm jealous that I got picked on and he doesn't.
A tiny, evil part of me wants Stepdad to have the same experience I did. I want his heart to break like mine did. I want him to sacrifice like I did. I want him to have anxiety attacks when he's driving down the road. I want him to have to fight for his family, to show that he believes it's worth it. It's not fair that the welcome mat gets rolled out for him and I don't even get a sideways glance after all of the time, energy, money and, above all, love I've put into The Kid's life.
For everyone's sake, I truly hope the relationship works out.
But I'm still jealous.

Quotable Sunday

The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.

MARCUS AURELIUS

On Irony

About three years ago (maybe four?) The Husband (then boyfriend) and I split up. He asked me to leave because he was starting to re-think things about his ex. I had just helped him regain visitation of his son (as in, hired and paid for the attorney). I stood by him while she manipulated the system and took him for a wild ride. I worked three jobs because he was so fucked up from everything that he wasn't working. And now he was re-thinking things.
*sigh*
I moved into my own apartment at the other end of town. Man, I loved that apartment. Anyway, about this same time, a "friend" of mine who lived a street over pulled a midnight move on her fiance, who was a merchant marine and would be returning after an 8-month stint in a few days. She and her son moved across the country; she left the apartment a mess and the sim card to her cell phone on the kitchen table. When he came back he was heartbroken. And, not being from the area, he didn't really know anyone. I offered to help him clean up and pack his things, and so we became friends.
We went out to dinner a few times but not as dates. When he went back to sea, he would call every once in a while. When he came back on leave, he wanted to hang out all the time. I thought it was because he didn't really know anyone else. Apparently, he wanted to be a little more than friends.
The Husband (then ex-boyfriend) became hip to this vibe when we were all at a party together. And from that moment on, he hated this guy (let's call him The Sailor). Any time we ran into each other, he would get all quiet and sulky and then, later, complain about how much he didn't trust The Sailor. When The Husband and I got back together, I sort of stopped hanging out with The Sailor. I knew our friendship bothered my husband, and honestly, we weren't great friends. Plus, on occasion, The Sailor creeped me out.
I never dated this man. I never so much as held his hand. But The Husband loves to talk about how much he dislikes him. He'll say he wishes The Sailor would just move away. He'll say he can't stand the sound of his voice. He'll whine if I get a phone call or text message from him. He emphasizes how troublesome it is to run into him at the store or at the pub or, well, anywhere. He can't stop talking about how The Sailor crossed the line, and how he wishes he had a reason to fight him.
He says all of this about a guy that I used to be friendly with but never dated, and above all NEVER HAD A KID WITH AND NEVER MARRIED!!!
Yet he thinks my irritation with The Ex is bogus.
Oh, the irony.

Quotable Sunday

Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right.

HENRY FORD

6 November

The real world has been beating me senseless lately. I've got some serious deadlines at work and, on top of that, my non-work life has decided to throw some surprises my way. All of this means no time to blog. I haven't even signed in to blogger since last Friday. I miss you guys!!! I don't know when I'll have a chance to catch up on all your adventures, but I hope it's soon.
A few blogable updates:
1.) We have entered into discussions of a more equal custody situation with The Kid. There has even been talk of him coming to live with us. At first I said "NONONO!" because it was too much change at once. But then I thought, this means we'll have weekends again! The Husband and I haven't spent a weekend night together in nearly 4 years. Maybe it won't be so bad.
2.) The Ex got engaged to her boyfriend of 2 1/2 months last week. The Kid really likes the guy (personally, I think it's because he has a dog and The Kid looooooooooves dogs, but whatev). She's all giddy and in love and we have the kid nearly every night so she can stay at her boyfriends house. I have become one helluva lunch maker.
3.) I've started having anxiety attacks. I'm not sure what's causing them, but I have a hunch. I've been sweating myself into oblivion at the gym trying to redirect my energy. Alas, I've decided that I need to do a team sport to find some sistah-hood and give myself a physical outlet that's not quite so monotonous. So...
4.) I'm trying out for roller derby. Wish me luck. Because I'm not sure if I can skate. But I know I can be badass.
5.) Christmas is in 7 weeks. WTF? The Kid wants an Airsoft M14 Sniper Rifle. The Husband wants a paintball gun. I want my husband to pay the rent. Meh, two outta three ain't bad.

Happy November to you all; I can't wait to get back in the swing of things and catch up!

Quotable Sunday

Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up.

JESSE JACKSON

Flashback: The Cure

The song "Close to Me" by The Cure reminds me of my husband.
We always used to go to this Irish pub downtown when we first met, and they had this rad old jukebox. After a few Guinness, I would always amble over to that jukebox and choose this song, then dance around a la Liz Lemon from 30 Rock. (You know I've been drinking if I'm dancing in public.)
He would always put down his pint and join me, the train wreck that it was. We'd do the Charleston. We'd attempt some swing. We'd do The Elaine. Mini mosh pit? No problem.
After a while, people started choosing this song when they got bored just so they had something to watch while they imbibed their tasty adult beverages. It was sort of a thing.
That pub got sold 4 years ago. The last night it was open, we tried and tried to steal the jukebox off the wall. It wouldn't budge. When the pub re-opened weeks later as a new establishment, the jukebox was gone. Trashed.
So now we have to dance around in our living room to The Cure on my iPod.
But at least we're still dancing.

Check out the music vid here.

Book Review: Fairest of All: A Tale of the Wicked Queen by Serena Valentino

I used to be an English teacher. I taught freshman special ed, among other classes. As a result, I got into the habit of perusing the teen literature section at my favorite book stores to find new, interesting books for the kids, who were often struggling readers, to explore. This habit never broke.
While at the bookstore a few weeks back, I was looking through the teen section for a book for The Kid, who tends to shirk his reading duties (which, as a former teacher, drives me nutty!). I didn't find anything for him, but I did find Fairest of All: A Tale of the Wicked Queen by Serena Valentino.
I'll admit, it was the cover that got me. The illustration flagged my stepmom radar and I stopped dead in my tracks. After reading the summary- "Another tale, far less often spoken of is the one that explains what caused the Queen to become so contemptuously vile" - I knew I was taking this book home with me.
Valentino is a popular comic book writer; she writes GloomCookie, a series of tales about the goth subculture with funky artwork and original storylines. Fairest of All is her first novel.
If you are a literary critic, the prose of this book will not impress you. But that's part of what I love about it. It is so easy to read that any 8-year-old could pick it up and breeze through it. And that is so important because - wait for it - this book offers a look into the stepmother's psyche. Suddenly, the prosaic Wicked Stepmom (hi, nicetameetya) is given a own voice of her own.
Readers are given an entire backstory to The Queen - her troubled childhood, how she came to marry the king, their relationship before his death, her incredible love for him and his daughter, her daughter. Wait, what? Yes, this Wicked Stepmother loves her stepdaughter. TRIUMPH!!!!! Finally! One of the Disney stepmothers admits that she loves her stepdaughter! And this book was on a special shelf, highlighted for all browsers of the teen section to see! I am so excited to think that an interested tween, a bored 15-year-old, an confused stepdaughter might pick up this book and think twice. Is it just me, or is this huge???
This tale's Wicked Stepmother struggles with finding her place amidst the legacy of Snow White's birth mother. She feels lonely, depressed and relies heavily on her magic mirror to help her feel like the woman she wants to be (don't we all have our own magnificent obsession?). She tries so hard to protect Snow White from the monster she knows she is becoming (sort of like our tongues resemble Swiss cheese after a particularly trying visit with the kids). This Queen just happens to succumb to the darkness that we, as stepmothers, have all have experienced. No one other than a stepmother will quite understand her struggle.

"The Queen had so much promise within her - so much power to make the world better. But instead she allowed darkness to guide her, blind to any other way."

There is no doubt that Queen is still evil. She still plots and schemes against her stepdaughter. She still makes selfish, vain decisions just like she does in the animated classic. However, the twists in this story remind us that things are not always as they seem.
No, it's not a literary masterpiece (mind you, I read Victorian literature for fun) but it is an amusing, easy book to read. And it's out there for any kid, any stepkid, any ol' person to pick up and read. Above all, it offers an alternative viewpoint to what many young children have been cultured to believe.
Check. It. Out.