And Now I'm Back

Eight months ago, I pulled a disappearing act. Shortly after my second miscarriage, I just couldn't think of anything nice to say. It was better to say nothing at all. So I shut my blog down and retreated into a haze of anger, frustration, anxiety and depression.
Then I got pregnant again!
And then I miscarried...again.
3 miscarriages in 8 months, a live-in suicidal teenager and an unemployed husband made me just about as much fun as a vat of vomit.
A lot has transpired in the past 8 months. After I started to lose my mind, we worked out a custody situation where the brunt of The Kid's needs don't fall on me. We now have him every other week, Saturday to Saturday, so at least I have two weeks a month where I can pretend I live a normal life. I don't pick him up from school unless it is convenient for me, I cook what I want to eat and let him go hungry if he says it's "disgusting," I don't assume extra responsibilities because his parents are too busy or too lazy. It's kind of amusing to watch my husband actually have to parent, and realize how much I was doing to accommodate his kid. He thanks me daily now (The Husband, not The Kid).
I have been officially labeled "infertile" by my many (many) doctors because I just can't seem to sustain a pregnancy. Despite months of testing, nothing appears wrong with me and they all keep telling me to just try again. In the words of my former doc, Dr. Douchebag, "You might have 10 more miscarriages, but eventually one will probably stick." Um, no thanks.
I started acupuncture, mainly just to get a quiet hour to myself every week. The good news is I definitely feel less anxious, and my acupuncturist has answers that my other doctors don't. She sees things wrong with me that we've been treating and people who don't even know my story are always telling me how much better I look. Maybe that's the 43 supplements and herbs I take daily? She is completely confident that I will have a successful pregnancy on my next try (though I am oh so terrified to try again). Even if I don't try again, I feel so much more balanced.
My husband got me a puppy for Mother's Day. At first I was pissed at him, wondering how he could possibly think a puppy would take away the hurt of losing three pregnancies, of facing a future as a childless woman (not childless couple, because, well, you know...). But holy hell, this puppy changed my life. Our other dog is 8 and I love him, but he is my husband's dog through and through. The little guy is mine. He follows me everywhere, listens to my commands, loves to snuggle up and watch a movie and is just an amazing creature. Having him around has made me happier (in conjunction with other changes, I'm sure), even when I'm cleaning up after one of his terror sprees.
I turned 30 and celebrated the death of my 20s in style! We had an amazing party that people are still talking about. I'm not one for birthday parties, but I felt like 30 needed to be celebrated, and I needed something to celebrate in general.
We also celebrated our second wedding anniversary, a more somber one than most early anniversaries, I'm sure, but still triumphant.

I've missed you all and your daily musings. I tried to keep up, but I needed a mental break from all things stepmom. Just focusing on my day-to-day took that much energy. At this point in my life, I'm finally starting to feel like myself again, like the person I was when I met my husband. My body and mind are still tired and sad, so I still have much healing to do, but I feel like I'm coming back. Wounds are closing into scars, instead of staying open and tender. I'm on the path to being me again.