Three Years

3 years ago today, The Husband and I were married. 2 years ago today, we decided that we were ready to grow our family. 2 weeks after that, we found out we were pregnant with our first child. These two years have been the hardest, saddest, most draining two years of my life.
5 miscarriages.
Dozens of medical tests.
Countless times I've almost left.
But I'm still here. I remember reading a post Sharon (hi Sharon! I miss your blog!) wrote on one of her anniversaries. In the post, she said that she and her husband didn't do anything particularly special but they did hold each other and cry. I never understood that. Why would you cry on an anniversary, a celebration? Now, I get it. This anniversary is a concrete reminder of how much time has passed since my life has changed, how much I have changed. I have lost (and gained), my hopes and dreams have been shattered and reformed, and somehow I'm still in the game.
2 years ago I was naive and thought pregnancy meant a child to take home and raise. I know better now. It has been a huge struggle, and a huge wake up call. It's only been three years of marriage, but it feels like so much longer. This morning, we held each other and I cried. This life is not what I thought it would be, and not necessarily what I wanted it to be, but we have managed to keep on going.
Today, on our third anniversary of marriage, we mailed in our official homestudy application. The door that seemed so abruptly slammed in our faces has led us on a new path. I know better than to expect everything will work out, but we are hoping that sometime in the next 6 to 12 months we will welcome a child, or children, into our lives adoption.
This was by no means an easy decision; the guilt and shame that come with RPL led me to resist this path for a long time. I sometimes still feel jealous that my husband has a biokid with someone else but couldn't with me. However, after much research and discussion it suddenly dawned on both of us that this was the right choice. From our losses will come something beautiful - we will be able to give waiting children a home. This will be our journey together.