Not To Be

Our restful weekend away turned out to be one of the worst weekends of my life. If you follow me on Twitter (which I rarely use, but did this weekend), you probably already know that while up in the mountains I lost my pregnancy. I started spotting the day we left and by the next day was worried enough to go to the ER. The nurse told me everything was fine. The doctor told me everything was fine but he was going to order a routine ultrasound. The ultrasound tech saw no heartbeat. After 8 hours in the ER, we went back to our hotel room devastated. I called my midwife the next morning and she wanted me home just in case any complications arose. Thank jeebus we came home. The bleeding turned to hemorrhaging then quickly turned to an emergency situation and I was rushed to our hospital (luckily only four blocks from our home) for an emergency D & C. Alas, I am no longer pregnant.
I am disappointed, but I do understand that this is nature's way of saying, "This really isn't going to work out." The doctor who performed the surgery said it's perfectly natural (though of course that doesn't soften the blow) and that everything looks fine in my babymaker so I shouldn't have any problems in the future. I don't know if we'll be trying again in the near future...this may have been one of the most traumatic experiences of my life and I don't know that I'm ready to be pregnant again. I'm pretty sure I'll be a major shitshow for the duration of the pregnancy if we do have another.
The worst part of all this was probably telling The Kid. I was in the hospital on his scheduled pick up day and his mother was being impossibly difficult about him not coming over. As usual she HAD to know what was going on and refused to accommodate our request until we told her what the medical emergency was (control freak?). The Husband refused and picked up The Kid behind The Ex's back for a few hours so he could explain. If there's anyone in the world I don't want to know about this it's her. I don't need her to dance around her cauldron at my misfortune. She flipped when she figured out The Kid had been picked up and went to her boyfriend's, telling The Husband if he could pick up The Kid for a few hours then he could take him for the routine visit (at that point I almost wanted him to tell her so she would feel like an absolute heel).
The Kid is devastated....big, gasping, sobbing tears. He was concerned that I was going to die and then horrified. He goes to a Catholic school, so the images in his head were of the anti-choice propaganda he has been shown at school. We assured him that though we were all excited, it wasn't a "baby" yet and that the instructions for growing into a baby were glitched, something was wrong and it had to happen. The last thing he said: "I don't want to be too old to spend time with my little brother or sister," through alligator tears. Crack went my heart.
Because I was not to be left alone due to the circumstances, The Kid had to go back to his mom's just in case. He didn't want to leave, but assured me his lips were sealed (I didn't even ask) and it was no one's business but ours "because we're tight like that." His mom stayed at her fiance's all night, and he was left with his grandma, who they live with. Nice, huh?
I have to admit, it makes me mad that someone like her had a perfect pregnancy and a perfect baby and is such a monster. The Husband and I are firm believers in karma and do our best to do right by everyone. Yes, we make mistakes but our intentions are always honorable. I thought maybe this pregnancy was my reward for that. I know making comparisons is only torturing myself but it really does seem unfair. I truly hope that one day I can be a "real" mom. But I'm not ready to try again just yet.

Though choices one makes during pregnancy and pregnancy loss are very personal, my advice after my own experience is this:
1. Tell your family and anyone you would want support from about your pregnancy early in your pregnancy. It is so meaningful to share in the joy before you reveal the news to the general populace and their support if you do miscarry is invaluable. When I was at the hospital here, my sister drove down from her house (an hour away) to put away all pregnancy related things in my house before I came home. I have had a constant stream of visitors bringing food (and ice cream!), movies and just company. My mom bought groceries for the rest of the week and stayed to cook dinner last night. The gentle calls and texts just checking in have been really nice, and feeling this much love when you feel so empty is invaluable.
2. If you do miscarry, opt for the D&C as soon as you can. I opted to miscarry on my own because I felt that I hadn't really had a chance to feel anything of this pregnancy. I was so incredibly stressed out and busy with work the three months I was pregnant that I never really got to experience anything except exhaustion. I figured I may as well experience this; I just wanted to do it naturally. Bad choice. It was very painful physically, and very traumatic emotionally. You don't want to feel it, and you don't want to see it. Trust me. It was scary, and in the end I needed the D&C anyway on an emergency basis. My husband was so worried he could barely keep it together. I've never been to the hospital before for anything so my first visit on an emergency basis was...unforgettable.
3. If you work, take time off. I took the rest of the week off. I'm a very stubborn woman and always think I can do everything and do it by myself. Truth is, I'm still full of pregnancy hormones but not pregnant. I'm still having some physical discomfort and my pregnancy body is returning to a non-pregnancy body. Though I'm fine, I still have my moments. A stray pregnancy magazine under the couch or an email from babycenter.com sends me to a different place. Realizing the new bras I bought already are too big sends me flying to my room to change my clothes. It's little reminders but they are everywhere and you don't want to be at work trying to mask your feelings. Personally, I need to acknowledge them to move on.
4. Eat ice cream for breakfast. Just because you can.

Thank you all for letting my share my excitement and joy here, for all your wonderful comments and for your support. Though I don't "know" any of you, I feel like I got to share something wonderful with a circle of great friends. It means a lot to me. You guys rock!