The Kid is back to being his teenage self; he doesn't understand everything his dad and I are going through with the loss and expects everything to be normal. And largely, it is. But we still have our moments. It was only two weeks ago, after all. He is being whiny and complain-y, lazy and messy, rude and obnoxious. Good to see he's as resilient as the rest of us ;).
I have my follow-up appointment with my doctor Thursday. I switched from my midwife to a doctor. I love my midwife, but she was out sick at my second pre-natal appointment so I only saw her once. I saw the doctor the time she was out and he was the one on-call when I was admitted to the hospital. I have to follow up with him because he performed the procedure, and I figured since he now knows my history better than her I'll stick with him. He is the best OB in our state anyway, so it's good to have him on my side.
I took the rest of the afternoon after my appointment off, because I feel like having an ultrasound of an empty uterus and discussing the miscarriage at length will likely make me useless for the rest of the day.
We have decided that once we get the go-ahead from the doc we'll just continue business as usual - not trying (per se) but not preventing another pregnancy. I figure my body will know when it's ready again. I am a little defeated at losing my first pregnancy; it's hard not to think something is wrong with you when you lose your first. Or, for me it is anyway. Doc said one in five pregnancies are lost and it's very unlikely to happen again etc. etc. etc. but of course I'm nervous. And, admittedly, I now have this ridiculous urge to get pregnant before The Ex. I know, I KNOW! It's not a competition. But I was so excited to give The Kid his first sibling, and I still want to share that special experience with him. I felt like I was finally a real, contributing member of the family and that was taken away. Sometimes I just feel like everything goes her way despite her being a hideous example of being human. Maybe it's just misdirected anger?
My sister-in-law, who pretty much didn't speak to me the entire pregnancy because she was jealous I got pregnant first (even though she wasn't trying!) has just started taking prenatal vites and pretty much only talks about babies now. She is speaking to me again because I am no longer pregnant. Can we say insult to injury? Ugh.
The Husband and I are doing well...being there for each other and holding on to hope. We have had a few stupid arguments - I am struggling a bit with my assumption that his having a child already does not allow feeling the loss like I do. But I know he does; he hardly got to be a dad to The Kid when he was little and he was really looking forward to being there for everything with our child. For now, I'm enjoying the little things I had to put on the back burner - my beloved green tea, an occasional glass of good wine, huevos rancheros with over-medium eggs, going out with my friends (and not falling asleep at the table!) and running (I had downgraded to walking while pregnant). And my clothes fit (with room a little extra room!) again, which I guess is a plus.
I've also realized that just like everyone has a a stepmom story almost everyone has a pregnancy loss story. This is not a club I'm happy to find has so many members, but it is a club that no one talks about until they know you're in it. My grandmother had one. My aunt had two. Another friend I consider an aunt had two. My best friend had two, one at 20 weeks ( I knew about hers, obviously). My co-worker had one. My friend's mother had eleven. Yes. Eleven. And all of these people, with the exception of one who was not trying, have beautiful families now.
Just like having all of you makes me feel less alone as a stepmom, knowing that miscarriage really is common helps me feel more normal, less like a failure.
Thank you again for all your support and kind comments, each and every one of you are amazing. And since we're trying to get back to life as usual, I will have lots to update on the stepfamily front very soon.
XOXO
Someone emailed me this link, which I thought was a really interesting project for those who have experienced pregnancy loss, or know someone who has.
10 comments:
Glad you are doing well and trying to stay positive. I have no idea what you are going thru with the loss of a pregnancy but I totally understand the whole step-mom thing. I get the "competition" thing. Even if it is unspoken...it is there. Just always be the best "mom" you can be to The Kid...as time goes on her will appreciate it more than you ever know. My "Kid" is 17 and has realized that her "mom" wasn't really a "mom" at all...she worried about herself and her other child first. She loves me like I was her mom and it honestly means the world to me. I tell her all the time she was my first taste of motherhood, for better or for worse. I have two kids of my own but when I asked...I always say I'm a mother of 3! Good luck with everything. I love reading your blog. It is nice to hear other "step-monster" stories lol
I'm glad you're feeling better. And I'm definitely going to try the green tea. Thanks!
I'm also glad you're doing better, although it sounds like there are also plenty of factors it all harder than it could be...
The Kid was so excited about your pregnancy; I guess maybe he's grieving too, and perhaps that's the source of his rattiness. It's a shame that kids seem to have to act out negative feelings as negative behaviour, especially when the extra stress is probably the last thing you feel like coping with at the moment.
And your sister-in-law just sounds plain hideously insensitive!
I'm thinking of you and hope that the next few months go as best as they possibly can for you and your family, however you would best like that to be.
Take care x
I am glad to see that you are doing ok. Things won't be back to "normal" right away, so don't pretend like they need to be.
You will be a wonderful Mother when the time is right.
There is an article in the recent parenting early years magazine about Healing After Miscarriage. very good article, if you would like I could send it your way.
followed a link from Healthy Stepmom and found your site. I'm sorry for your loss and am glad you are feeling better. Glad you realize that you are not alone.
When I first started blogging about my life as a stepparent, I was amazed by the sense of community that I found. I hope that you have this same feeling.
Your in my thoughts
followed a link from Healthy Stepmom and found your site. I'm sorry for your loss and am glad you are feeling better. Glad you realize that you are not alone.
When I first started blogging about my life as a stepparent, I was amazed by the sense of community that I found. I hope that you have this same feeling.
Your in my thoughts
I love reading your blog and today during down time at work I read your entire blog from the very beginning.. I'm recently going through a rough patch in stepmomville, the ex is withholding my husbands daughter, she tends to do this every few years. We went from seeing her 4 hours a week (2 yrs ago) to having her overnight every other weekend and now it doesn't suite the ex anymore (we tried to take daughter on vacation last weekend and were denied by ex) so now she has blocked both of our numbers so we cannot call the daughter, and they are not available or not home when we come to pick her up on scheduled days. This has been going on for a week now..We have no idea what she told the daughter in regards as to why she doesn't see her dad anymore.. My husband is devasted & is looking into getting yet another attorney.. I'm stressed out because we still haven't paid off the OLD attorney.... I found your blog randomly this morning and I cannot tell you how much better I feel after reading about someone who went through the EXACT same thing.. I do not know any other s-moms in real life and it was just such a relieve to find out I'm not alone... I really hope you are feeling better and I know it takes time but I hope your okay and hope the kid isn't driving you too bonkers while you recover. I look forward to reading your updates.
I am glad you are feeling better. I have never been pregnant or miscarried, but all of my are starting families and I'm finding out more and more that this is fairly common. Like you said, no one talks about it until they know you are in the same "club". I know it's sad, and it's good that you have other people to talk to that make you feel better. You are a fantastic loving woman and your time will come :) HUGS!
So good to hear from you, like all negative things, it will take time to heal. I feel for you I really do, I think that is a fear any woman has and having to experience it only makes it worse. Things will work out and like you said your body will know when it is ready again. I completely understand the competition thing, I would be the exact same way, just hard to be that honest and admit that you feel that way. It will take time, but I have no doubt you will have that perfect baby and the rest will be chalked up as experience. Thinking of you.
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