I have needed a break from life lately. Suddenly, out of the blue, I became overwhelmed with everything. I may have even been slightly depressed. Crying all the time. Angry. Exhausted. Late for work every day (then getting there and not doing anything).
I actually entertained taking a job across the country and moving there. Alone. In fact, I interviewed for it. But, I then declined the second interview when I realized that I am probably just running away from my problems and not thinking clearly. Negativity took over my life for about three weeks.
So, naturally, updating this blog was the furthest thing from my mind.
I think what happened was this: I had this need to show everyone how strong I was after I lost the pregnancy. "Look at me! I'm doing just fine! Solid as a rock!" (My Dad calls me Kid Rock because, in most circumstances, I am the one with her head squarely on her shoulders, making sure everyone else is okay.)
But really, I was completely withered inside. My hopes and dreams were crushed, ripped away from me. I was really, really sad (and I still am). And The Husband doesn't ever want to talk about it because talking about it makes him sad.
Mostly, I am consumed by worry. Worry that something is wrong with me and I'll never have children. Worry that my grandparents (yes, I still have a living set of grandparents!) won't ever get to meet a great-grandchild. Worry that I'll never feel like a real part of this family because I'll always be outnumbered. It's probably all normal, but trying to push it away instead of acknowledging it was a bad idea.
Alas, I seem to have finally snapped myself out of this funk. Oh, I'm sure I'll still have my days. But overall, I feel better. Coincidentally, this happened at the same time I backed waythefuckoff of my stepmomming responsibilities and decided to live my life again. But more on that tomorrow.
Thanks again for all your kind comments and emails. And sorry for the overuse of italics in this post!
5 years ago
9 comments:
Hey Kid Rock, relax! It's all going to be okay. Your ovaries are not kaput just yet. Give your body and mind a chance to recover; lower your expectations of delivering the great-grandchild on a deadline; and just be content with life as it stands right this minute. It is not required to be a baby making machine to be happy. If it's meant to be, it will be. Besides, trying is the fun part so just relax and have some fun!
Glad to hear you are feeling more like yourself. I cannot imagine what you have had to go through, but I am here for you and cannot wait till December!! At least you realize why you were in a funk and are working to get past it. That is the best you can do and I think time will help. I agree with Sharon, no need to stress and put yourself on a timeline. I am doing the same thing (so trust me I know it isn't easy) but they say stress affects the baby making process. So work on yourself, find your happy place (glad you are taking a step back and focusing on you) then have some fun with your hubby and know the rest is out of your control.
Baby making is stressful!! Thinking about you :)
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this, but it is good that you recognized that you needed to step back and work on yourself.
Hang in there and don't stress yourself out. Sadly these things happen, but it doesn't mean your doomed.
glad to hear that you're feeling more like yourself these days. I have often thought about picking up and moving far far way to for a new job and then like you, realized that just maybe that would be considered running away. ;) Hope the days continue to get better. Put yourself first for awhile - you deserve it!
Glad you're stating to find your way out of your funk.. I've missed your posts... ((hugs))
I'm thinking of you. **hugs** Some times are just more troubled than others. Drop me a note if you ever want to chat or just need to vent it out. And there is no such thing as overuse of italics.
*Hugs* I think trying to play the "I'm OK" card takes far more effort than just being honest with yourself. I'm glad that you're coming out of your funk though and that you didn't run away across the country. I've done that far too many times to count and it never works. Sending you some positive vibes! Positivity even in it's smallest form makes a huge difference. I hope you find a ray of sunshine each day to help you through.
I have been tempted more than once to make some radical change, and you are right, most of the time it is a reaction to stress and wanting to step away. I am sorry for everything you are dealing with. I am thinking of you.
I'm glad you are feeling better, but I know it can be tough. The added layer of being a SM is something that I think few other women but us SM's understand. Some times I have periods, especially now that having kids is really, really not an option for me anymore, when I feel like, "What is the point of it all?" thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I'm sure it more than just me fell a little less alone and crazy.Hugs. - G
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