Book Review: Forgive for Good by Dr. Fred Luskin

*I started reading this book shortly after I began my blog, right about the time I got married. Though I finished it really quickly, I let this review sit in my drafts for a few months. For no particular reason.*

The most important tidbit of information I walked away from this book with is: the story of The Ex's mistreatment of us - me,The Husband, The Kid - will not be the story of our marriage and our family.

Pros:
* It is easy to read, uses interesting similes and illustrates by examples.
*This book really helped me to realize that so much of what I'm angry about was/is truly out of my control. I need to move on or I will forever be tied to things I cannot control, which is a huge waste of energy.
* The author talks at length about unenforceable rules, which is a great way of looking at the root of our anger. When you make a rule like this (i.e., "She shouldn't act like that.") you give someone the power to hurt you. If we make rules that are enforceable (meaning, if we create reasonable boundaries), it doesn't mean we won't be hurt but at least we'll have control over the situation.
*The author also insists that although some rules may be unenforceable ("The Ex must be nice to me") and we can't demand they happen, we should always "fervently hope things go the way you want." The desire is important, the demand is impossible.
*He has developed a practice called Postive Emotion Refocusing Technique (PERT). It is very Buddhist and nature and a great tip to remember on those days.

Cons:
*The book is repetitive; often I would double check that I hadn't skipped back a page because some sentences are exactly the same. I understand the point in doing this, but I personally didn't like the way it read.
*Often times, the author says that we need to focus on how the offenses we have experienced were not intended to hurt us personally. Yes, this is true if a drunk driver kills a loved one. However, this is not true in my case, or the cases of many other stepmoms out there. The offenses we have experienced were meant to hurt us directly. This made some of his methods unrealistic for me. It did, however, guide me to ask myself, "Was this personal?" about specific instances.
*Several chapters in the middle of the book are about the author's research. I found these chapters unhelpful.

Favorite quotes:
*"There is great danger in giving people without your best interests in mind power of you. There is great danger in giving people who have hurt you power over the way you feel."
*"No one's past has to be a prison sentence."
*"Forgiveness is the choice to extend those moments [of beauty or love], then for those moments we have forgiven those who have hurt us. Forgiveness is the choice to extend those moments to the rest of our life. Forgiveness is available anytime. It is completely under your control. It does not rely on the actions of others; it is a choice you alone can make.
*"Forgiveness does not mean that you have to think what happened was okay. Forgiveness does not mean condoning the unkind, inconsiderate, or selfish behavior of someone who hurt you."
*"If we continue to pursue our goal [learning from the situation], we exact the greatest revenge on someone who has hurt us. We move on. We find peace."
*"Wounds can cripple the happiness only of those who do not know how to cope and forgive."
*"Forgiveness is for us and not the offender. Forgiveness in no way condones cruelty or unkind treatment, Forgiveness gives us back peace of mind."


I feel like I have a much greater understanding of my bitterness towards The Ex and why, although I remain hurt, I need to stop being angry. I couldn't control her actions, and though I will never trust her and probably will never reconcile with her, I can, and will, make peace with the situation.

I now know what forgiveness means. Before reading this book, I misunderstood forgiveness, I thought it was, more than anything else, a sign of weakness. I didn't think it was fair for me to forgive someone who was so horrible. Why should I? She doesn't deserve to be forgiven. Now I see that forgiveness is actually a marker of tremendous strength. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation (although it can) and that's okay. Forgiveness is for me.

Before I read this book, The Ex, and her ability to turn my life upside down, was always on my mind. I still have to try to not think of her, but it has become much easier to kick her out when I do let her in.

I admit I was on a bit of a high right after I read this book and I didn't bring up The Ex for quite some time, or even think about her. I had truly began the forgiveness process. But eventually, life continued and that faded. Revisiting this review, that I had written four months prior to publishing, reminded me that forgiveness is a practice, not a singular action.

I highly recommend this book if you are struggling with forgiveness in any area of your life. It has certainly helped me lay the groundwork for forgiving The Ex so that my husband and I can move forward create our own story.