Me & The Kid

Sharon asked, a while back, how things with my stepson have been. It's a tricky question to answer.
The Kid is angry at his mother's disregard for him because of her new pregnancy. He is angry that she is pregnant because he doesn't feel she deserves to have more children. He is angry that his father and I continue to lose pregnancies because he never felt like he was being replaced when we were pregnant (looking back, he was actually excited).
Of course, the compassionate side of my wants to hug him until his head pops off. Tell him is will always be loved, never replaced, always important. Let him know how important he is to me because he might be the only child I ever get a hand in raising.
But, the weird new side of me born out of this weird new stage in my life doesn't want him around. It hurts to look at the accidental product of a terrible relationship, knowing that a much desired child from a loving relationship can't make it past 3 months gestation.
It's a true roller coaster: knowing ours is the home he feels most comfortable in and wanting to give him the comfort he deserves, and facing the pain that his presence brings to our home when he's in it (but only to me, as my husband is happy with the extra time).
On top of that, he's a teenage boy. He smells (despite frequent showering), he's moody, he's overly emotional, and he's rude. He eats me out of house and home (seriously - who makes a sandwich with an entire pound of sliced turkey?!), he is never where he is supposed to be, and he's struggling in school. Typical teenage stuff.
He's really good about not talking about the new baby, probably because he sees me lose my shit over much less and he likes having other things be the topics of conversation.
What I struggle the most with is when people say, "Well, it's only three more years." I don't want to be spending the next three years just wishing that each day will fly by so these three years will be over. I don't want to wish away part of my life. What a waste.
And I know, based on my conversations with seasoned stepmoms, that The Kid turning 18 is not a magical time of transformation. The Ex doesn't turn into a pile of dust, I won't necessarily have the children I so desire, we won't be financially liberated. Nothing will really change when he turns 18 except his legal status.
In the now, I try to react based not on my emotions but rather on what the situation dictates. But I don't always succeed and I definitely lash out. Which means I spend a lot of time quiet, and a lot of time in my room.
I think that most days he sees me as a meal ticket and a ride to where he wants to go and I see him an an annoyance, but our relationship is still hanging on.
He calls his mom "Hitler" instead of mom, so I think the fact that I'm still referred to by name is a good sign, anyway.

The Name Game

I went to change my name today.

This is a ritual? rite? tradition? I have been grappling with since we started talking about this whole marriage thing.

Firmly believing that everything happens for a reason, today's events leave me caught in a whirlwind of - you guessed it - doubt.

Not about the marriage. Been there, done that, glad I did it. About changing my name.

I left the office, headed to City Hall, filled out the little pink form requesting a copy of my marriage certificate. I get helped by the only nice person who works the City Clerk's office. Seems like a good day. Until he asks for my license and I realize I've forgotten my wallet (and cell phone and, well, everything) at work. Which I never do.

"Shit. I'll be right back."

"No problem, but I won't be here when you get back.," says the only nice person who works in the City Clerk's office.

Damn. This task is getting less appealing by the minute.

Return 30 minutes later. Get copies of marriage certificate from one of the many cranky people at the City Clerk's office. Head to Social Security Administration, wondering all the while, "Should I take my maiden name as my middle name? Will I miss my middle name if I do that?" etc.

Park. Enter building. Climb stairs. Reach Social Security office. Reach for doorknob with trembling hand. Door opens.

"Closed. Come back tomorrow!" Door slams, in a very Wizard of Oz-like way. The office closes at 4. It's 3:59.

Damn.

Now I'm left to wonder, is this fate or "one of those days"? Is this the Universe trying to tell me something or is this just the result of my own carelessness?

I'll let you know tomorrow...

Text Message Truths

My cell phone buzzed while I was sitting at my desk today.

Text message!

From a friend I haven't seen in ages who I just ran into last night. He just found out last night that we were getting married. Actual "conversation" follows:

Friend: When did he propose.

Me:He didn't we just decided to get married. In november i think.

F: Are you excited to be getting married.

M: Not really. Nervous.

F: It's very surprising. You never seemed to enjoy his company that much. Or you were just waiting for something better to come along. I don't think it's a good idea.

M: That's horrible! Of course i enjoy his company!

no response

As previously discussed, I have been grappling with some doubt issues. But this "conversation" really threw me off. I admit I'm not as nice to my husband-to-be as I should be. I'm so terrified that he'll screw something up and we'll get thrown into turmoil again that I'm always on him about something. Yes, I know this is fucked up. Yes, I am trying to change my ways and put more faith in him. Yes, I enjoy his company. No, I haven't been with him for the past howevermanyyears because I was waiting for something better to come along.

It hurt my feelings that a friend would even think that. Then, I began to question everything all over again.

As I ran things over and over in my head (instead of, you know, working), I realized that I am madly in love with my boyfriend and I have no reason to doubt that spending my life with him is a capital idea. And I most definitely don't show it enough. To him, or to anyone else. At that moment, I declared (in my head, of course) that from this day forth I would make more of an effort to be an outwardly loving girlfriend-soon-to-be-wife.

Buzz.

Text message!

Boyfriend: I adore you.

Me: Where did that come from?

B: My heart.

M: Dweeb.

(I didn't say it would be easy.)

6.12.09 ETA: Spoke with this texting friend recently, and he was simply acting out because he was in a miserable, unfulfilling relationship. He has wanted to get married for ages and wasn't in a position to in that relationship; meanwhile, he never expected us to get married and was caught off-guard, jealous etc. Six days after our text conversation, he broke up with his girlfriend, is his same happy self again and has sincerely wished us a happy future.

And the Answer Is...

As Doomsday approaches, I continuously struggle with an interior monologue that just won't quit (as evidenced by my last post).

I was thisclose to calling it all off.

Until the kid came over.

He ran outside to greet me when I returned home. He told me about his soccer victories and final exams. He told me a funny joke about clowns and cannibals.

Then he told me he did want to come to the wedding after all. (When we first told him we were getting hitched, he was excited but didn't want to come to the ceremony. He didn't want his mom's feelings to be hurt because he was going to his dad's wedding. We were okay with that, even though we really want him to be there, because we don't want to cause him any more stress.)

I know this kid isn't exactly The Enlightened One. But I do firmly believe that, as kids, we all have a sixth sense that we lose touch with as we grow up. We know when people are angry, no matter how hard they try to cover it up. We know when people are prying as opposed to just asking how our weekend was. We know when our parents are happy.

The fact that this child is so supportive of our union speaks volumes to me.

Having this kid in my life is a treasure. Even when he decides to give himself a drum lesson while I'm sleeping. Even when he shoots me a snide remark. Even when I look at him and see his mother.

I can't think of any other way I'd rather spend my evenings than getting shot by Nerf darts.

I can't imagine my life without this little family we've created, no matter how complicated and difficult it might be.

I think I've found the answer to my questions.

I knew I was making the right choice all along.

Reasonable Doubt

This is my first marriage and I have no clue if what I'm feeling is normal.

I think it's safe to say that nothing about this wedding is typical. I, being an intensely private person, want nothing to do with 180-person guest lists, seating charts and menus. He, having already done that once, is okay with this.

Only ten people, those most important to us, will be at the ceremony. We will have a quiet lunch together afterward. Despite our best efforts to make this a day we are comfortable with, I am riddled with doubt.

Why aren't I more excited?

Would I be more excited if it was someone else I was marrying?

We've happily lived together for 5 years. Why change a good thing?

Am I settling?


Sometimes I get overwhelmed and burst into tears. And I don't cry. Not even at funerals.

My stomach is a constant knot.

I'm not sleeping.


I just want to run away.


Is this normal? Am I making the right choice?

Is this reasonable doubt?