The Heart of the Universe

One of my core beliefs is that family is the heart of the universe - however it is constructed, whether through a blood connection, a spiritual connection or an emotional connection. I have been taught this from a very young age through the example of my own family.
We'll take in anyone. Holiday festivities include my grandparent's widowed friends, my single friends with no family, our friends whose family lives far away, people who have no other place to go. None of these people ever feel like an outsider, and we're always happy to have them. Come what may, nothing is more important to me than this.

***

When I was younger I said I never wanted to get married.. As I entered my late twenties, I started really examining that claim. Why didn't I want to get married? I realized it was all trivial, and that in order to fully experience this life I should give it a whirl. Of course, it helps that I met a wonderful partner, the yin to my yang. So married we were. It's no 1950s sitcom relationship, but the whole experience of it, the ups and the downs, is a good one. I'm so glad we did it.
Similarly, I've always waffled between having children and remaining childfree. Of course, that all changed when I inherited a stepchild. I love every minute of watching The Kid experience the world. I love teaching him. I love exploring with him. I love him.
And, I love what I have learned about myself from him. I didn't know I was capable of so much patience, I didn't know I would be such a good mediator, I didn't know I could do this.
Being a stepmom has changed my life forever. For the better. It taught me that I could be a good mom. I will be a good mom. And suddenly I find myself wanting to be just that - a mom.
I don't just want a baby (sure, they're cute but I quite like that the kid we have now can wipe his own ass!). What I want is to grow our family - for the heart of our universe to grow stronger. I want to experience what it is like to be a mother. A real mother. I want to be pregnant, to create a person, to parent from the start. I want my children to know my grandparents, my parents, my uncles. I want to give all of those people the gift of another family member. I want to teach, and I want to learn. I want to experience this part of life. And I don't just want it for me; I want it for my husband, The Kid, my parents, siblings, grandparents, my husband's mother.
All of this hit me like a truck. It was, literally, like I woke up one day and realized this was the path I wanted my life to take.
And of course, with all these thoughts and feelings comes the anxiety. What if I can't have children? What if something is wrong with my child? (Read all about that here.)
Alas, I have been bitten by the baby bug. Both my husband and I would love to expand our family for reasons, I believe, are meaningful. However, he just started working again (like, last week) after a long hiatus and we have some debt to deal with. And health insurance is so expensive; to add a child to my policy would decimate my salary. With me being the breadwinner right now, we just can't afford it.
It's tough, with all the unknowns out there, to postpone something like this. I suppose we'll just have to wait and see what the universe has planned for us.

Sometimes Mom

Mother and Child, detail from "The Three Ages of Woman"
Gustav Klimt

At dinner last night, The Husband had a long chat with The Kid. The chat was primarily around my concern that The Kid was nervous to talk about his mom's fiance in front of us. He got a very cool present for Christmas, and when I asked who got it for him he said, "Uh, I forgot. I don't know! No one. Mom. Yeah, Mom. It was Mom who got it for me. I think." He has always been very open about talking about his life with us, as we have never pried, tried to gain information or used any sly tactics. We just want him to be comfortable talking about his life, not feeling like his love for his mom is a taboo subject in our house. So, I thought this response was out of the ordinary. I knew from the response who the gift was from, so I brought it up to The Husband who in turn brought it up to The Kid.
The Husband reassured The Kid that it is great that he likes his stepdad, that it is a blessing that he likes both of his stepparents so very much. He said he will always be the dad and he knows that, so The Kid doesn't have to worry about talking about Stepdad if he wants to share a story.
This seemed to put The Kid at ease. They talked about the new structure of The Kid's family and how happy he is to have additional uncles, aunts and grandparents who love him so much.
The Kid insisted that we are a family, no matter what anyone else tries to tell him.
Then he asked, "Do you remember that time I called her mom?" (Her being me.)
The Husband didn't remember. I remember the instance, only because I thought The Kid was calling his dad Mom, and it made me chuckle (my husband is anything but motherly!).
"Well, I did. And I got upset afterward. Like I shouldn't have said that. But, I think of her as my stepmom. She takes care of me. She does everything for me. Sometimes I might want to call her mom. It doesn't matter right? It doesn't matter what I call her?"
I have never, ever thought of myself as a mom to The Kid. Firstly, I would have been 15 when he was born. Though biologically possible, I was wayyyyyyyyyyy to young to have a kid. A freshman in high school??? Nope. I'm too young to be his mom.
Going in to this whole shindig, I knew he was very much a momma's boy. He was primarily raised by his mom and his grandma. It's not like he needed another motherly figure in his life.
We've always been more like buddies. I don't discipline him unless I'm afraid he's going to hurt himself (or me, or the dog, etc.). I feed him things I say I would never let me own children eat. I let things he does that really really REALLY bother me slide.
The Husband told The Kid it doesn't matter what he calls me (as long as it's not shithead or f**kface) and he can call me whatever he is comfortable with. The Kid said that sometimes, that might be Mom.
So, I guess I'm Sometimes Mom.

I never saw that one coming.