Believe it or not, I saw this Sunday's Quotable Sunday quote on one of The Kid's video games. Every time his character died, a quote flashed on the screen while the game loaded. Most of the quotes were about war and fighting, but this one struck close to home.You see, I've been struggling quite a bit since we got married. I have come to realize that most newlyweds who act as if life is bliss from the moment they say "I do" are merely incredible actors.
The first arguments, for me, have been far worse than the arguments we had as a dating, co-habitating couple. I feel trapped when we argue about money, the Ex, the Kid, the dog etc. etc. etc. I ask myself, "What have I done?" "Why did I do this?" and "So this is my life?" all the time. I've driven myself to tears wondering if I've settled, if I could do better, if this is how I want to live. (I know, it sounds terrible to put it in writing, but it's the truth.)
As I question my life decisions, I've noticed that I am especially hard on my husband. I am not supportive of what he does (often because I find it does not meet my expectations) and I'm not encouraging of what he tries to do. He can feel my doubts in the tone of my voice when we argue, and sometimes even when we just talk. When I married him, I knew he had an unpleasant ex-wife situation. I knew he had an almost-teenage son. I knew he is financially immature, has tens of thousands of dollars of debt, leaves our bedroom looking like a laundry bomb exploded.
But nobody has ever looked at me the way he looks at me, and I'm quite sure no one ever could.
When I saw this quote, I realized just what I was doing to myself to and our relationship. By questioning my decisions, I am instilling fear (of insufficiency, of failure, of loss) in my husband. I am compounding the doubts every married person feels. I am not helping our relationship to grow.
I do love my husband. I am proud of my family. This is my life and this is how I want to live.
I chose this man, and this life, full-well knowing what he was made of. And I'd do well to stand by him (waving my second wife and stepmom flags all the while!).
6 comments:
Great post! I do the same when my husband and I argue. Wonder if I made the right decision, wondering why I married a man with kids. I just need to remind myself that I love him and that this is my life!
Saluting your flag! I like this post. We all have doubts about the decisions we've made. The "what if's" haunt us when times get bad and we seem to argue more than we cuddle. Hang in there, you'll get through it. Don't be so hard on your man...try to remember he loves you and he's doing his best.
I love the way you ended this post. And remember, it's ok to wave a white flag too if you need to. It doesn't mean that you are giving up on anyone, just letting go of stuff. - G
I'd be lying if I told you that I haven't stopped and wondered, "what on earth have I done?"
In 2006, ALL my plans shifted stage right. ALL my plans.
Who knows where I'd be right now if Richard hadn't "found" me when he did. Perhaps I'd be in Vermont, eating granola and teaching yoga (original plan). Or off living the life of an empty nested single 40 something year old woman.
Truth is. Vermont's not that far away. I eat granola. I am teaching yoga. And I'm about to be emptied nested again.
Three years wasn't all that long to wait for my original plans to come true :-) AND double in reward and happiness - who'd think I'd be a grammie right now? I knew it would happen one day...but at the rate my daughters are going, I'll be a 50 something year old woman before I see those grandbabies!
I've come to accept that I'm probably always going to have those thoughts once in a while. But I think the important thing is to learn how to deal with them when you do have them versus dwelling on them. We might have chosen this situation, but that doesn't mean that we're not allowed to feel the frustration of it.
Oh goodness. I am feeling that way now.... I know I signed up for this, but I hate feeling so helpless sometimes. Thanks for sharing your life here. It helps a lot to know that someone else out there is sometimes stuck too.
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