This morning, I read a really interesting article. Then, later today, I heard a really interesting radio program on the same topic.
I find it particularly interesting because the topic of both is my situation, a situation that has caused a bit of strife in my marriage.
I am the primary breadwinner in our family. I make most of the dough. That's right, I'm a Sugar Mama.
My husband does work. It's not that he has a poor work ethic. He just doesn't want to work for anyone else because it drives him nutty to know someone is making money off of him. (No, this rationale does not make much sense to me...but that's another story.) Though, erm, innovative, this philosophy has led to more non-working days than work days in this economy. He is extremely intelligent, but I have (much) more formal education. As a result, I have higher earning potential. Oh, and I work my ass off so there's that too. Basically, my career has really taken off in the past three years while he has remained questionable.
However you slice it, I am the only one who makes consistent income which means I am the one who pays the consistent bills. What he makes pays his child support, and a few other odds and ends.
I'm okay with this setup.
This setup bothers the shit out of my husband.
He feels like less of a man because I make more, because he can't "take care of me." I don't rub it in his face or make jokes at his expense. I don't demand that he be the one who earns the most. It is just so ingrained in him that men are meant to be the primary provider that he can't wrap his mind around doing things any other way. Even though we have to.
I guess I'm okay with it because my contributions don't go unnoticed. The Kid knows that I make the money. He knows I leave before he wakes up and come home late. He sees the improvement in his dad's life and in his life with us because I work hard. And so does my husband. My work is appreciated and meaningful, both in our community and in my family so this situation does not bother me. However, just because I;m okay with it doesn't mean we don't have "issues" in our marriage surrounding this topic. I know, for instance, that it took my father a whole lot of personal reflection before he could respect the way we run our household, to understand that if we have children there will likely be a stay-at-home dad.
I'm going to show The Husband these reports tonight, because maybe he will stop judging himself so harshly if he sees it is becoming the norm. Or maybe not, but it's worth the read anyway.
But I am curious: are you a woman and the primary breadwinner in your home? How does this affect your marriage or remarriage? How do you feel about bringing home the bacon?
Or in general, how does your partner feel about you working (whether or not you are the primary earner)? Does your partner want you to work? Does your partner expect you to stay home? How do you think they would react if roles were switched?
To read the NY Times article, click here.
To listen to Morning Edition, click here.
5 years ago
10 comments:
It's a sensitive issue for men whose self-esteem is so wrapped up in their careers. When I was young, my dad was unemployed for awhile and my mom became the sole breadwinner. The financial situation caused conflict and stress that didn't exist when dad was working. Mom's respect for him declined; they fought more; she said demeaning comments to him in front of us kids. It changed the way we all treated him.
Be careful how you approach the subject. You might make him feel worse.
Mine wants me to work because he doesn't want the "pressure" of being the only one with a paid job. But I finally put my foot down and quit a few months ago because while we were both working outside the home fulltime, he wasn't doing jack inside and I was beyond exhausted. So, now I'm home and even though my husband complains about money, too bad, I'm staying home. I've already got a fulltime job here.
PS I was an accountant, so I know for a fact that we have enough money and I am very good with a budget. His complaints are not valid.
@Sharon thanks for the cautionary advice. We talk pretty openly about it now and my husband has come to a point of acceptance, so I think he will generally find these reports interesting but I will be careful not to be flippant. I liked to hear your story about your parents - it will make me extra mindful of my tone when we do talk about money issues.
@ Stepped I hear ya...I think my husband genuinely doesn't notice when then house is a wreck, so I totally feel overwhelmed sometimes. The only thing that is working to keep us equally sharing chores is a strict chore chart.
My husband lost his job so I am the "bread winner". I am ok with the fact he hasn't gotten a job yet. He was really burnt out after the last one, and we were fighting a lot before he was laid off. His boss was a crazy bitch who made all of our lives miserable.
He is using his skills to bring in some side money until he gets a "real" job. And I don't mind as long as when I come home the house isn't a mess and I am cleaning up after him ect.
I think the concept that a man should make more money than a woman simply because he has a penis, apparently, is highly sexist.
Our situation is odd because currently my BF is unemployed, and finding a job right now is difficult. I work full time. It's frustrating on an economic level, and of course he is frustrated by not contributing to the household like he used to be able to do. It causes strain, but if one of those strains was an attitude that as a female, I'm not equipped to handle keeping the family running, I would be beyond insulted.
My Wife had your blog up on the computer and I found it very interesting, and I feel as though I should say something since I am in the same boat as your husband. I also had a kid before I met my Wife, however, I suddenly became a single dad and wasn't able to finish school. Now, married to a "sugar-momma" as you put it, our family has a stable income even though I do not have a job. I would, if I wasn't renovating the house we just bought. So I can't complain too much, because I have something to do that's constructive. Guys need that. We're not programmed to be stay at home dads. Not that you should expect him to be one either. There are so many avenues that would allow him to go back to school and get a higher degree or what-not, if that's what he wants...which sounds like what he wants. He may think you expect him to stay home or feel trapped by the situation....encourage him to go back to school, help him visualize his ambitions, talk to him about what he wants to do and go from there. I'm so happy my Wife is so understanding. She never harasses me about money, even though I'm the more frugal one and usually feel guilty when we buy the more expensive things or eat out. I know there will be a day where I will have the higher paying career and my Wife will get to take a break or go back to school and pursue something else. Either way, I'm definitely ok with her being a "sugar-momma".......for now. I will have to say, it's a little weird knowing it's her income that pays our bills or for meals if we go out to eat, coming from a time where the guy is almost expected to pay for the meal if he's to be considered a gentleman. It kind of makes you wonder why or how we (as guys) were programmed to act and feel this way.
In my first marriage I was the bread winner "Sugar momma" and there were no issues. I do think it bothered my ex from time to time but the issue we had was that he never cared about saving and didnt care about saving my money either. I tend to be cheap and am always finding ways to save some money, I coupon cut etc. The ex would go buy $5 worth of stuff from 7-11 every morning and it drove me crazy. We would argue about the little stuff. However that being said if I had made less I would still have had the same issue, I am just saying we had different ideas of what a budget was but since I made more he would accuse me of holding it over his head.
My current fiance is the sugar daddy. I knew he did well but when I found out how much he was making, and how he paid more in taxes then I made in a year I had a really hard time with it. I went from being the bread winner to feeling like hired help. It took some adjusting and he was quick to point out that he was 8 years older and I will be making as much as him someday. I never thought that would bother me but it did. I got a raise at my new job so we are getting more even (also counting his child support payment) but I am a working girl I take pride in my paycheck and my work ethic and I liked being the bread winner. Its nice now not having to stress about it but there are times when I wish I made more, although I think the BF would have a problem with that.
Sorry about the rant!! GEEZ Great post though, can't wait to read the articles.
Well, I haven't gotten to read those articles yet, though I'm really looking forward to it. I felt I should go ahead and throw in my two cents since my husband already did (above).
I am the sole breadwinner in our home, and have been since I came on active duty well over a year ago. The hubs has been a stay-at-home dad renovating the house and waiting for the opportunity to go back to school. It causes some stress here and there. For the last six months, while I've been at TBS (very intense training), I have been less than consistent in helping with the housework, which I think bothers him more than the money thing any day of the week. But while I was studying for the bar exam a few years ago, the situation was reversed and I was the semi-dutiful stay-at-home mom.
I enjoy my husband's statement that he is more frugal than I am. Mr. Hiding-New-Power-Tools-In-The-Guest-Room-First-Name-Basis-With-The-Lowes-Staff, lol. We both have very different views on where to cut back to be frugal, just as we have different priorities when it comes to housework.
I don't think any of my rambling has helped the discussion other than to say this: All our differences compliment each other, and as long as we remember to appreciate that, (and as long as my husband remains secure enough in his masculinity to accept my role as breadwinner a few years longer), we'll be fine.
Men just want to feel like they can go out an slay dragons for their women (dr. laura's quote). You're sweet for not rubbing it in and being willing to earn the income in your family. That's what a marriage and partnership are all about. Right now my husband is working and takes care of us, but if something happened, I would go out and get a job. It's nice for women to have an education if they ever need to provide for their family. My staying home really bugs his ex, although she did the same thing. Unfortunately his attorney, custody, co-parenting and dealing with the ex drama is practically a full-time job right now. So I am usually the one dealing with all of that.
~M
I out earn my husband's salary three times over. Who cares? He doesn't. He loves his job. Plus his job comes with all the benefits, mine is just a paycheck. All our kids (save Junior) are grown and out on their own, getting married and having babies. DH will deploy to some desert in the middle east in August, his salary will double and come very close to matching mine...our plans? Save every single dime.
For us, money is a tool. It's not an emotion. Neither of us wrap ourselves into the amount of money we make or don't make. Occaisionally he'll joke and call me his "sugar mamma" - and his kids, while one day discussing our upcoming Family Vacation (we've rented a 4 bedroom house in Cape Coral, Florida) were wondering, "why didn't we have this when we were younger?" The response? "Peggy." And I had to kindly remind them that when they were little, (and I was married to my first husband) I, too, lived the life of a very poor military family.
Money is a thing, a tool, a widget. Don't mistake it for pride, happiness, or anger. Learn to use the tool as a team.
xo
Peggy
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