I am constantly amazed, now that I am "officially" (read: legally married) a stepmom how many people have stepmom stories.
As Izzy Rose pointed out after her BlogHer experience, "stepmom ain't sexy" so no one wants to fess up.
But, when I am brave (or dumb, or drunk) enough to admit that I am a steppie, all of a sudden the others come crawling out of the woodwork. They want to share, they want to vent, they want to connect with someone who knows.
Just last week, a friend of mine proposed to his longtime girlfriend. He has a four-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. His now-fiancee is beautiful, smart and always smiling. Sometimes I just want to mess with her to see if I can break her seemingly effortless air of positivity. But, she's honestly too nice to toy with like that. After learning of their engagement, we went out for drinks. As he talked with my brother about "man stuff," we chatted about my new marriage. I admitted my frustrations and I watched that botox-perfect smile droop. Perhaps it was the vodka, perhaps it was the camaraderie; whatever it was, she opened up like a floodgate. Her frustrations, her struggles, her fears that she's not strong enough. Everyone has a stepmom story.
A co-worker, who I hardly ever chat with, heard me talking about an impending weekend getaway with my family. She suddenly started asking about The Kid. Do I discipline him? Does he like me? What do we do together? Blahblahblah. After enduring her grill session, she launched into a 45-minute (and that's being conservative!) tirade about her stepmom who she loathed. She told me stories about what her stepmom did to her, about how she undermined the father/stepmom relationship and how she celebrated when her father divorced the woman. I left the conversation sweaty and feeling ill. Everyone has a stepmom story.
At a separate work function, I was setting up for the evening's festivities with the proprietor of the business. A mutual friend arrived and made mention of my family. Immediately, the proprietor asked how old my stepson was. She had something to share. "When we had been married for about three years, my husband found out he had a daughter. She was 18 and she tracked him down. He had no idea. She was only 7 years younger than me at the time. It was so weird saying 'This is my stepdaughter' when she was practically old enough to be my peer. I didn't know what to do with myself." Everyone has a stepmom story.
Our stories go unnoticed, unrecognized, unheard. Maybe, because as Jacque Fletcher says, we are ashamed and embarrassed. Whatever the reason, even the most seemingly put-together of us have a story. Everyone has a stepmom story.
I hope that, as trailblazers like Wednesday Martin break down barriers, our stories won't be secret, our hurts won't be silent.
Meanwhile, I will continue to be brave, or dumb, or drunk enough to share mine.
7 comments:
Every stepmom that you, my dear, encounter will be a better person for it. I know I am :). Awesome post. Your friend is in good company.
Without the magic of the internet, we'd all be isolated stepmoms with nowhere to turn when challenges and frustrations arise. I'm so thankful that I have this outlet and the camaraderie of caring stepmoms like you! That has truly made all the difference between a positive and a negative stepmom experience.
So true, we are like a secret society that wait for the secret handshake before spilling our guts. I meet more and more steppies who find out about my story. I love it and am so glad I have finally crossed over into the secret world. Safety and power in numbers!! Thank goodness for the internet!
I'm not a stepmom, but do enjoy your blog and can still feel your struggles.
I totally relate.. people ask me all the time about the family dynamics- but if you reveal too much they judge and spread rumors, or always assume the worst.
it's like CONSTANTLY having to be a STEPford Wife!
it's funny how there is always a stepmom story waiting to come out isn't there! Thank god we have the internet these days!
This is exactly why I started blogging. I don't know ANY step moms. I have no one to relate to, and no one that understands the emotional roller coaster of a blended family.
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