A List

I feel like I have a million things to say but I can't seem to organize them. I figured I'd try a list, in no particular order.
1. The Ex is pregnant. She is eight years older than me and a shitty, shitty person and a terrible mother. Her husband smokes a pack a day and looks like a pedophile. So of course, she immediately gets pregnant with a healthy baby while I continue to miscarry. I won't tell you the things I said when I found out; they are pretty horrible.
2. The Kid is not thrilled with the new pregnancy. "They're just treating me so different," he says. He lives with us again. *sigh* And of course, now that The Ex is starting her "new family" she doesn't give a crap about the kid she already has. She doesn't even care if he visits on weekends.
3. The Husband and I are never going to get pregnant again with a teenager living with us. I miss privacy!
4. I had another brief pregnancy in November. It only lasted a week after I found out. I prefer that type of miscarriage to the three month kind, but it still sucks.
5. Due to results of the Celiac antibody panel (which I begged my doctor for), I am now gluten free. The first week was horrible but now I feel great. But I do miss beer. A lot.
6. At this current point in my life, I am the most sad I have ever felt. I cry every. single. day. I am everything 20-year-old me said I'd never be. Most of the time I can't stand my husband, who is never home due to his work schedule anyway. So I'm stuck taking care of his kid, whose mother doesn't want him anymore because she's gestating new spawn. No amount of yoga or meditation seems to help me let it go. I hate my job. The only things that make me smile are my dogs. I'm at a loss for what to do to get myself back on track again.
7. Oh yeah, dogs. Plural. We adopted another dog in September, shortly after Big Dog died. She was abandoned by her previous family (like, literally tied to a tree when they moved away), so she has some "issues" but overall has been a great addition to our household. Girl Dog and Little Dog are best friends and keep me pretty busy. I have officially become a crazy dog lady, and may or may not have dressed them in Santa and Mrs. Claus suits last month. Note to fellow infertiles: get a dog, if you can. It really, really helps.

So there you have it: a list. It's a bit squirrelly and not really complete, but I don't know where to put the things in my head lately so here they go.

The Truth About Trying

I know I've said before, shortly after I joined the Recurrent Pregnant Loss club, that this blog wouldn't become an infertility blog. But, as I continued to lose pregnancies, my infertility became a huge part of my life as a stepmother. In fact, it nearly destroyed my relationship with my stepson, who I sometimes call "The Boy Who Lived." To raise a child whose mother is a complete wackadoo, who pretty much dropped him like a hot potato when she met a man, when you can't have your own children, is awful. It is truly a special kind of grief (and I know there are so many of you out there with me). When I look at The Kid, I get angry, even still. Why could she have a baby? Why does SHE get to be the mother of the man I love's child? What is wrong with me?
Locked inside my own head, I was losing it. I was tired of people asking when we were going to have kids. I was tired of people not acknowledging that for 7 months last year, I was pregnant. I was a mother. Three times. To three potential children. Who died. I wanted everyone to know what I have gone through. So I started telling them. I tried to move past the loneliness, the shame, and the sadness that reached to the core of my being.
It has been 16 months since we started trying to grow our family. In that time, I have lost three pregnancies and my mind. Now, I'm trying really hard to come back to me.
Today, I stumbled upon this project, The Truth About Trying, an infertility video series built from a partnership between Redbook Magazine and RESOLVE. The goal of the project is the end the stigma of shame and secrecy surrounding infertility, and to start a dialogue about the disease. Though there are many, many blogs out there that provide necessary and meaningful support to women in all walks of infertility and pregnancy loss, I've been hardpressed to find mainstream media that offers the same. I hope this project catches on and inspires women not to suffer in silence anymore. Because it's impossible to do it alone.
If you are struggling to build your family, or if you have friends who are struggling, I recommend checking this series out.

Dear Santa...

All I wanted for Christmas was to still be pregnant. Since that didn't work out, all I want is to hole up in a nice hotel and spend the day alone with a bottle of something delicious, a fluffy hotel bed and a giant flatscreen TV. I actually tried to make this a reality (you wouldn't believe the rates on the hotel for Christmas! Dirt cheap!).
My husband understood my need to be away from it all and was relatively supportive. He knows it hurts when The Kid tears open his presents, the ones I picked out and bought with my money, and exclaims, "Thanks Dad!" without even looking at me or even acknowledging that I'm in the room. Not to mention, last week The Kid changed his mind about what he wants (to something which we cannot afford - nor can we return the thing he HAD to have last month when he made his list) so I know he's going to pitch a fit when he doesn't get the gift he *really* wants.
My family, on the other hand, would have none of it. My dad, who is very much like me, was supportive, but my mom flipped her lid. My siblings were all, "Who's going to cook the french toast Christmas day? If you don't come we'll starve!"I know how lucky I am to have such a wonderful family - that fact never escapes me. In fact, it was exactly that which encouraged me to pursue having children of my own. So me and my empty ol' utie are not really feeling the holiday togetherness this year.
But, here I am two days before Christmas furiously cleaning my house and baking up a storm for my whole family who has decided to come to my house this year. It's almost like a Christmas intervention. They are bringing all the food and all the drinks and simply using our barracks as a gathering place.
With my hopes of a relaxing hotel stay dashed, I'm thinking I'll just push off the glorious alone time into January and try (and try and try) to find the spirit of this holiday season.
I hope you all do to.

Long Time No Blog

Honestly, I just haven't had the energy to devote any time to this weblog lately. When I started writing, this place was the best area for me to vent my frustrations and share my joys.
But lately, I have felt nothing but frustration. And I don't think it's fair to only share frustration.
In a nutshell, my life has been completely turned upside down.
I've still been the primary caregiver for The Kid (a la my last post). But there's more to that.....
The Kid threatened suicide to a friend at school. After much hullabaloo, he's now in counseling and living with us full-time. He seems to be doing better, and we're doing everything we can to be supportive.
We have also been having some serious problems with our house (we are renters - buying at coastal New England prices isn't in the cards for us right now) which may force us to move right smack in the middle of the holidays. Awesome.
Oh, and I'm pregnant again. But please, no congratulations (however, do go give some hearty congrats to Life of a Stepmama who is due just two days after me!). Though we saw a heartbeat at our first scan, the embryo is measuring very very small, and we were given a 50% chance that it would stick around. I go back in one week to see if it has grown or if I'll need to schedule another D&C. If this one doesn't stick, I'm back on birth control. I really can't do this anymore. Especially not with The Kid walking around as a reminder that is, in fact, me who is the problem.
I am mentally and physically exhausted, so of course interacting here on the interweb has been furthest from my mind. Please know that even if I haven't been commenting, I have been reading and you are all in my thoughts.

Better Times

I don't want my lack of posting to insinuate that I'm not doing well, so I'm posting! Things are pretty good, considering.
The Kid is back to being his teenage self; he doesn't understand everything his dad and I are going through with the loss and expects everything to be normal. And largely, it is. But we still have our moments. It was only two weeks ago, after all. He is being whiny and complain-y, lazy and messy, rude and obnoxious. Good to see he's as resilient as the rest of us ;).
I have my follow-up appointment with my doctor Thursday. I switched from my midwife to a doctor. I love my midwife, but she was out sick at my second pre-natal appointment so I only saw her once. I saw the doctor the time she was out and he was the one on-call when I was admitted to the hospital. I have to follow up with him because he performed the procedure, and I figured since he now knows my history better than her I'll stick with him. He is the best OB in our state anyway, so it's good to have him on my side.
I took the rest of the afternoon after my appointment off, because I feel like having an ultrasound of an empty uterus and discussing the miscarriage at length will likely make me useless for the rest of the day.
We have decided that once we get the go-ahead from the doc we'll just continue business as usual - not trying (per se) but not preventing another pregnancy. I figure my body will know when it's ready again. I am a little defeated at losing my first pregnancy; it's hard not to think something is wrong with you when you lose your first. Or, for me it is anyway. Doc said one in five pregnancies are lost and it's very unlikely to happen again etc. etc. etc. but of course I'm nervous. And, admittedly, I now have this ridiculous urge to get pregnant before The Ex. I know, I KNOW! It's not a competition. But I was so excited to give The Kid his first sibling, and I still want to share that special experience with him. I felt like I was finally a real, contributing member of the family and that was taken away. Sometimes I just feel like everything goes her way despite her being a hideous example of being human. Maybe it's just misdirected anger?
My sister-in-law, who pretty much didn't speak to me the entire pregnancy because she was jealous I got pregnant first (even though she wasn't trying!) has just started taking prenatal vites and pretty much only talks about babies now. She is speaking to me again because I am no longer pregnant. Can we say insult to injury? Ugh.
The Husband and I are doing well...being there for each other and holding on to hope. We have had a few stupid arguments - I am struggling a bit with my assumption that his having a child already does not allow feeling the loss like I do. But I know he does; he hardly got to be a dad to The Kid when he was little and he was really looking forward to being there for everything with our child. For now, I'm enjoying the little things I had to put on the back burner - my beloved green tea, an occasional glass of good wine, huevos rancheros with over-medium eggs, going out with my friends (and not falling asleep at the table!) and running (I had downgraded to walking while pregnant). And my clothes fit (with room a little extra room!) again, which I guess is a plus.
I've also realized that just like everyone has a a stepmom story almost everyone has a pregnancy loss story. This is not a club I'm happy to find has so many members, but it is a club that no one talks about until they know you're in it. My grandmother had one. My aunt had two. Another friend I consider an aunt had two. My best friend had two, one at 20 weeks ( I knew about hers, obviously). My co-worker had one. My friend's mother had eleven. Yes. Eleven. And all of these people, with the exception of one who was not trying, have beautiful families now.
Just like having all of you makes me feel less alone as a stepmom, knowing that miscarriage really is common helps me feel more normal, less like a failure.
Thank you again for all your support and kind comments, each and every one of you are amazing. And since we're trying to get back to life as usual, I will have lots to update on the stepfamily front very soon.
XOXO

Someone emailed me this link, which I thought was a really interesting project for those who have experienced pregnancy loss, or know someone who has.

A Positive Reaction

Exhaustion is the name of the game lately. I am *so* tired! Work has been stressful and the hours have been long, and then there's life to deal with after that. Throw early pregnancy fatigue to the mix, and when I have down time I'm sleeping.
So much has been going on in our stepfamily life that I can't even process it all. And I haven't really wanted to think about it after dealing with it, so I haven't written about it here. Let's just say, I don't appreciate hypocrites. But for once, The Ex's ridiculous need for control (legally, she has sole custody) is biting her in the ass. Haha. Ha.
We're still in that early pregnancy limbo where we haven't told anyone except our families. My parents are thrilled as this first grandchild for them. The Husband's mother is super excited and hoping for a girl. She hardly got to be involved with The Kid when he was little because The Ex doesn't like her and did her best to keep the baby away, so having a grandchild she can spend unlimited time with is really exciting for her. My sister already started buying things and she calls me every day to ask what's happening developmentally that day (as if I know!).
My sister-in-law, on the other hand, is pissed. She is 6 years older than me, and has been married to my brother for 8 years but has no children yet. They aren't sure they want children and have never tried. But when she found out I was expecting she cried and told me it wasn't fair, that she should have been the first. Now, every time I see her she asks if I'm showing yet or if it's just me getting fat. Passive aggressive behavior at it's finest.
I was most nervous to tell The Kid. My hormones have me crying at the strangest things, and a poor reaction from him would send me into uncontrollable sobs. I didn't want to be there when The Husband told him, just in case.
Well, The Husband had an opportunity last night to tell The Kid while I was cooking dinner. They were out in the yard. I knew what was going on but stayed in the kitchen. I thought I heard The Kid start to cry and I felt the lump start to form in my throat. My mind went spinning in all sorts of directions (...you know...). I continued stirring the soup and staring down into the pot. I heard the screen door slide open and someone walk into the kitchen. It was The Kid.
I turned around and he had the biggest smile on his face. No tears. He gave me a huge hug and then put his head down by my lower abdomen and said, "Hi baby sibling!" He then turned to me and said, "You'll be a great mom. You already are!" (yes, I did melt)
He was happy! Seeing him smile at the news lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I hadn't realized how much wondering about his reaction was stressing me out. Honestly, I haven't been excited at all...until now. I feel like knowing that everyone is on board with this change makes it a little more real. It doesn't matter what his mother says to him about the new sibling because he's happy. And frankly, anything negative she says about our baby will only work against her since she is planning on having "a new family."
After his dad told him, The Kid spent the next two hours talking about his new sibling. He's slightly obsessed with the Friday the 13th series right now and thinks we should name the baby Jason (not happening) or maybe something from The Godfather like Vito or Santino (also not happening).
He talks to the baby all the time and he worries about my well being. My husband has a bad habit of driving over curbs when turning (we have an ORV so it's not too bad, but still...) and every time he does The Kid yells at his dad and then asks if I'm okay. He can't wait to be a part of the process and wants to be at the hospital when baby is born ("but I don't want to look at it until they clean it up! Gross!"). He's counting down the days until he can feel the kicks and has already planned out the first five years of little sibling torture. Did I mention baby is going to dress as Jason from Friday the 13th for his or her first Halloween?
I suppose my defense mechanism is to always assume the worst. I think it's classic stepmom behavior. Then, if the worst happens we were expecting it and anything other than that is an improvement. In this case, I couldn't have asked for a better situation. Or a better stepson.
Otherwise, I've had a very easy early pregnancy. No sickness (I know, I'm lucky!), just fatigue and some crazy mood swings. I actually cried at an episode of Little Chocolatiers while on the treadmill at the gym. I don't cry at TV shows! I don't cry in public! I'd never even seen that show before! And my poor husband...he doesn't now how to deal with this suddenly hyper-sensitized woman living in his house. His philosophy (and it's a good one) is just to keep his mouth shut.
We're going away this weekend, just us, to the lake for some R&R. It's a belated birthday present to me (my birthday was last month but I couldn't take any time off because of my crazy work schedule). We're turning off our phones, disconnecting from technology and enjoying each others company. And, for the first time since we found out, rejoicing in the changes coming our way as we grow our family.