I know I've said before, shortly after I joined the Recurrent Pregnant Loss club, that this blog wouldn't become an infertility blog. But, as I continued to lose pregnancies, my infertility became a huge part of my life as a stepmother. In fact, it nearly destroyed my relationship with my stepson, who I sometimes call "The Boy Who Lived." To raise a child whose mother is a complete wackadoo, who pretty much dropped him like a hot potato when she met a man, when you can't have your own children, is awful. It is truly a special kind of grief (and I know there are so many of you out there with me). When I look at The Kid, I get angry, even still. Why could she have a baby? Why does SHE get to be the mother of the man I love's child? What is wrong with me?
Locked inside my own head, I was losing it. I was tired of people asking when we were going to have kids. I was tired of people not acknowledging that for 7 months last year, I was pregnant. I was a mother. Three times. To three potential children. Who died. I wanted everyone to know what I have gone through. So I started telling them. I tried to move past the loneliness, the shame, and the sadness that reached to the core of my being.
It has been 16 months since we started trying to grow our family. In that time, I have lost three pregnancies and my mind. Now, I'm trying really hard to come back to me.
Today, I stumbled upon this project, The Truth About Trying, an infertility video series built from a partnership between Redbook Magazine and RESOLVE. The goal of the project is the end the stigma of shame and secrecy surrounding infertility, and to start a dialogue about the disease. Though there are many, many blogs out there that provide necessary and meaningful support to women in all walks of infertility and pregnancy loss, I've been hardpressed to find mainstream media that offers the same. I hope this project catches on and inspires women not to suffer in silence anymore. Because it's impossible to do it alone.
If you are struggling to build your family, or if you have friends who are struggling, I recommend checking this series out.
9 comments:
I'm glad you are back to blogging. It took me a little bit to come back but I have always appreciated your honesty. I am so sorry for your pain and loss during the last 16 months too. Im going to go check out the The Truth About Trying project. It sounds like it is a great thing.
I have thought about you so much. There is nothing more I wish for you then to be able to get pregnant and bring a healthy baby into this world. No one deserves it more than you. I am truly sorry for all of your losses and pain you have had to go through. I know none of this takes away the pain you have felt and I can only imagine the anger and frusteration I would feel for the son and for PEG if that had happened to me. It just isn't fair and it makes no sense. I have dealt with my own loss this year, and I have asked myself the same questions, just a different situation. Why do some people, usually the best people have to suffer while so many others never have a hardship and don't appreciate the good in their life. You are in my thoughts.
I am so glad that you are breaking your silence (here and in real life) regarding your infertility. I, too, am suffering from infertility, just a different kind (I can't seem to get pregnant at all). Just the other day I was in my company break room and I saw posters for diabetes walks and breast cancer walks. While these diseases are very important, I thought to myself, where is the awareness for infertility? Aside from a few celebs who have publicly talked about ART, you rarely hear about it. Thank you for the link, I fully intend to check it out.
I also completely understand what you are going through with the stepson. I have cried many a times wondering, "How could my husband have gotten Baby Mama pregnant but not me? She has so many issues with her reproductive system (can't concieve naturally anymore) am I worse off than her? Did she really deserve it more than me?" My heart goes out to you, as well as my prayers. Don't give up hope :)
As I read your blog post, I start to cry. I understand where you are coming from and glad to see you are coming back. It's a hard thing to do, coming from a woman who is just now mending the broken pieces left by my own infertility journey. Think about you often.
Thanks for sharing this link. I will pray for you! I too am a stepmom who cannot have children of her own. Well infact our situation is a little messy - tests showed I am very fertile, but hubby is not - a very low sperm count and mostly deformed sperm - we have been "trying" for five years. Of course this raises questions about the girls - questions hubby does not want to ask and for sure doesn't want answered. I respect this. We love each other and we carry on. I don't know why I shared this story - I don't see how it could help you - but know that you aren't alone. I guess you do know that or you wouldn't have shared this project - still.... know that you know :) Praying this finds you doing well.
It's very hard, hon. Very, very hard, and almost impossible not to be fundamentally changed by it. Nobody talks about stepfamilies with fertility issues; in fact there sometimes seems to be this idea that we're not "really" infertile because, lucky us, "we" already "have" kids.
Plus because of our extra layers of privacy issues as stepmothers, it is extra hard to come out as having fertility issues or experiencing losses. The thought of hostile exes and stepkids knowing nearly kills me.
Nothing can make the terrible pain of loss or the ache not getting pregnant stop, but finding a community of people who get it, and finding (and training!) a therapist has at least helped me a bit.
Thanks for the link. I'll look at it as soon as we get home.
Stay in touch, okay?
SMOTY xxx
Thanks for posting this. I too am tired of people asking me about "when I'm going to have a baby" and just want to yell at them and tell them, "I WAS pregnant, but lost the baby...are you happy you asked now?"
Being a stepmom while going through all of this is a nightmare. My husband finds comfort in his kids during the bad times and I find them to be nothing but a reminder of what I don't have. It's hard and exhausting. Hang in there honey. I have to believe that things will get better. HUGS
Not sure what to say, but I am thinking about you...
:)
I'm so glad that you found something so supportive to your struggle. I can't imagine not being able to have a child but I do know the anger and frustration of being angry with stepchildren for those reasons. I hope that you are well.
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