The Truth About Trying

I know I've said before, shortly after I joined the Recurrent Pregnant Loss club, that this blog wouldn't become an infertility blog. But, as I continued to lose pregnancies, my infertility became a huge part of my life as a stepmother. In fact, it nearly destroyed my relationship with my stepson, who I sometimes call "The Boy Who Lived." To raise a child whose mother is a complete wackadoo, who pretty much dropped him like a hot potato when she met a man, when you can't have your own children, is awful. It is truly a special kind of grief (and I know there are so many of you out there with me). When I look at The Kid, I get angry, even still. Why could she have a baby? Why does SHE get to be the mother of the man I love's child? What is wrong with me?
Locked inside my own head, I was losing it. I was tired of people asking when we were going to have kids. I was tired of people not acknowledging that for 7 months last year, I was pregnant. I was a mother. Three times. To three potential children. Who died. I wanted everyone to know what I have gone through. So I started telling them. I tried to move past the loneliness, the shame, and the sadness that reached to the core of my being.
It has been 16 months since we started trying to grow our family. In that time, I have lost three pregnancies and my mind. Now, I'm trying really hard to come back to me.
Today, I stumbled upon this project, The Truth About Trying, an infertility video series built from a partnership between Redbook Magazine and RESOLVE. The goal of the project is the end the stigma of shame and secrecy surrounding infertility, and to start a dialogue about the disease. Though there are many, many blogs out there that provide necessary and meaningful support to women in all walks of infertility and pregnancy loss, I've been hardpressed to find mainstream media that offers the same. I hope this project catches on and inspires women not to suffer in silence anymore. Because it's impossible to do it alone.
If you are struggling to build your family, or if you have friends who are struggling, I recommend checking this series out.

Another One Bites the Dust

Sigh.
Miscarriage #2 is in progress. Two pregnancies and two losses in 4 months. I promise this isn't becoming a pregnancy blog. Or fertility-struggle blog. It's just the story of a girl who sacrificed everything for a kid that wasn't hers and then couldn't have kids of her own. I know there's lots of you out there.
I really think there is little out there that can make you hate being a stepparent more than repeatedly losing your own pregnancies. Not a hostile, selfish, destructive, money-sucking ex. Not a slovenly, ungrateful teenage stepchild.
This girl is doing what she does best and looking to relocate. This may or may not entail The Husband coming with me. This, of course, does not mean we'll divorce. I just know he won't leave where we live, and I'm looking to move internationally for grad school. It would only be a couple of years. This is something I have been tossing around for a long, long while. Long before I even met him. And though marriage requires compromise, I have been consistently held back by the man that I love. I feel like I have compromised an awful lot for him over the past seven years and I'm ready to live my life again, to better my life, to do the things I've put on the back-burner because I was cleaning up someone else's mess. I know it sounds weird, but I'm excited for the opportunity this loss has presented me with.
Again, thank you for all the positive vibes you sent my way, you have no idea how much they were appreciated. Now, it's time to focus on getting through the holidays. Hey, at least now I can have a drink, right?

Big News

Back in April, I wrote this post about how my experience as a stepmom has helped me decide that I would like to be a mother to my own children. Your comments really meant a lot to me in that post, and led to many discussions with The Husband about what we felt was the right time for us. He has always been of the camp that we will make it work, whenever it happens. My Type A personality leads me to think of all the practical, and not-so-practical, issues involved in such a life change.
I have had this nagging feeling that now is the time, despite the fact that I'm young and, statistically, have "plenty of time." Maybe it's my biological clock ticking, or maybe it's something greater. I don't know.
But I do know that yesterday I saw a tiny heart beating on an ultrasound machine. Yesterday, I saw with my own eyes that I am now a mom.
Whoa.
Aside from my husband, three of my best friends, two co-workers (who I had to tell because of the nature of my job) and my brother, who deduced it by himself, you (yes, you, the entire interweb!) are the only ones I have told. Erring on the side of caution, we're waiting to spread the news to our friends and family until we're a bit further along. I figured I could share on this venue because the support you all offer me is unparalleled and I would want (and need) that same support if anything were to go wrong.
Stepfamily-wise, we won't be telling The Kid until the end of August. I'm very nervous about his reaction and really hoping that he takes it well. I'm also really hoping that his mother doesn't try to put a negative spin on the situation. And that she doesn't use this as an excuse to go batshit crazy again.
So I apologize for the lack of updates, but I've been completely wiped and a bit overwhelmed. Once work calms down I'll have more time to catch up, because, boy, do I have a lot of catching up to do!