The Other Shoe

I've always been somewhat of a pessimist. It drives most people crazy, but I find life much more tolerable if I'm always expecting the worst. I get more pleasant surprises this way.
In Stepmomville, though, I think constant pessimism is a way of life. A way of survival, even.
In reading all the other great blogs out there (see sidebar), I realize how incredibly fortunate I am. No, my situation didn't come without hard work on my part. But it also didn't come without sabotage on The Ex's part. And it certainly has a lot to do with the remarkable character of The Kid himself. I'm thankful every day for what we have, what we have made and how we have handled it.
But when things are good, as they have been, I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. What woman married to a man with kids (psycho ex or not) isn't? We are trained to expect a shitstorm. When everyone's getting along, when the ex isn't stirring the pot, when a stepfamily is living in symbiosis, we are worried. Because by all accounts, that isn't normal. Nobody ever says, "Hey, great! Good for you!" We are constantly warned to wait for IT. "Well things are good now, but just wait until school starts again, until he gets older, until you screw up..." Ohshutup!

Yes The Kid is getting older. Yes he will be a teenager soon. Yes, he will be a hormonal little prick at times. But you know what? I'm a hormonal prick sometimes, too.
One day, these will be the Good Old Days. We are busy making memories and I'm not listening to the naysayers anymore. I don't want to spend another minute worrying about when The Kid is going to hate me, when he'll get the message that stepmoms suck nomatterwhat, when I'll get sick of him. It might happen, but it's not happening now.
Yeah, I'll still remain a pessimist by nature. But on my own terms. Not because everyone else tells me to be.
The Other Shoe can go stick itself.....somewhere else.

On Edge

I just found out today that The Ex's relationship with her boyfriend recently ended.

I don't know the details, and I don't want to. All I know is that she was falling for him. She had finally introduced him to The Kid. She felt like this was going somewhere, and now it's over.

And I'm terrified. When she's not lucky in love, we're not lucky in anything. Now that she no longer has someone to occupy her, what is in store for The Husband and I?

I hate that I have to walk on eggshells when she has a bad day. I hate that her moods affect our life. I hate that she can have this much of an impact on me. Sometimes, I even think I hate her.

Maybe nothing will come of this. Maybe she'll work through the hurt of the end of this relationship like a normal, fully-functioning human being. But her track record has convinced me to expect the worst. I'm on edge.

I'm anxious. I can't eat. My stomach is in knots. What's she gonna pull? Will it be obsessive calling and texting? Will it be refusal of visitation? Will it be back to court?

Or will it be, dare I say, nothing? Will I be pleasantly surprised?


Only time will tell.

Walking in the Rain

I took a walk in the warm summer rain this weekend, an act I am convinced is good for the soul. This walk allowed me some time to dwell on some of the thoughts buried at the back of my mind.

One such thought was the turn my life would take if anything ever happened to The Husband, my husband. Morbid? Yes. But also valid.

I thought my finances. My family. My future.

I thought about how, even though the name change is taking some serious getting used to, I'm glad I took his name. I bear it proudly now, with him, and would bear it proudly, for him, were he no longer here.

But mainly, I thought about my relationship with The Kid. I wondered if it would still exist if The Husband were no more. And, startlingly, realized that it probably would not.

Would he still want to see me? Would he still want to talk to me? Would he be allowed to? Who would tell me silly jokes? Who would I help with literature homework? Who would remind me of his dad?

I would feel like I was missing a very real and very important piece of my life if The Kid wasn't in it. I'm so used to him now - the good, the bad and the indifferent - that I cannot envision life without him. There would most certainly be a huge, gaping hole caused by his absence.

I hope The Husband and I have a long future together, but I know there are no guarantees. I guess I really hope that, no matter what happens, my (chaotic, beautiful, irreplaceable) relationship with The Kid endures.