There have been some HUGE changes going on in our life right now (I'll get into that more later). Needless to say, these changes have completely distracted me from life in general, and especially from blogging.
Thank you all for your advice and kind words regarding my last post. The Kid ended up coming over for Father's Day because his mom and stepdad had wedding plans and bailed on their family plans. I can't even think about that one right now. At least he ended up spending the day with his father...
We had a family BBQ over at my brother's house and he was extremely well-behaved. He got his dad a card, and I ran out and got him a present to give (something we had been texting about over the weekend). He was very kind to my family, hugging my dad and grandad and wishing them a happy Father's Day. I was impressed.
Other than that, he has been completely impossible. I must say, I'm so glad I met him years ago and have had time to know him as a kind, compassionate boy. Because if I were just meeting him now, I would not believe that he is, or ever could be, a decent human being. It's like it happened overnight, but suddenly The Kid is a monster. I understand that this is temporary, and that it is likely much worse because he is a child of an especially rough divorce. But still...my bedroom has become my bunker. If I haven't made plans with my friends, I spend almost every moment he's home in my room. I've had to leave the house a few times because World Wars III, IV, V and VI have already happened in my living room.
The Kid is spoiled and rude. He talks back to his father constantly, and then when he is punished calls his mom to come pick him up (she doesn't because she's caught up with Future Stepdad, but tells him he doesn't have to listen to his father). We take him out to dinner and he orders food that he doesn't eat (one of my biggest pet peeves is wasting food...). Then he tells us to get him something else. My husband, who grew up poor, is extremely intolerant of this and it always turns into a fight. In fact, pretty much all those two do is yell at each other. The Kid is disobedient and LAZY. He refuses to do any chores at our house, he's a slob and he's generally dirty. I've left for work a few times where he is laying on the couch playing video games and when I come home 10 hours later he is laying in the same spot, in the same clothes, not having eaten all day. He's starting a job next week, but The Husband and I both think he'll get fired after a couple of weeks, if he doesn't quit.
On top of that, he is extremely socially awkward. He doesn't have any friends, which means he spends all of his time alone or with adult family. He is very negative and has violent tendencies so other kids tend to shy away and are uncomfortable hanging out with him.
I know he's going through a lot of changes right now; his hormones are out of whack and his families are rapidly changing, just to name a few. Of course I still love him (and I always will) but right now I really don't like him.
Fortunately, The Husband completely understands. He feels that all the parenting he does in our 3-5 days a week is immediately erased when The Kid goes back to his mother's house. He is frustrated, upset and angry and fighting the feelings that he has "lost" his son. It doesn't help that Mommie Dearest is trying to push him out of his son's life again. There's much more to the story but The Husband sees tendencies in The Kid that seriously concern him.
It's like these changes happened overnight.
We're just trying to hold fast to our parenting ideals and work together to support The Kid as he spirals into teenage life. And, attempt a little family fun along the way.
14 comments:
Sounds like you guys need to have a talk with his mother and with him. She doesn't get to dump him at your house and then tell him to misbehave. I would be taking his cell phone away when he gets punished.
Sounds like you guys need to have a come to Jesus with him and maybe take him to a counselor.... It seems to me it is a major issue that a) he is violent and b) he is so violent that other kids are afraid of him.
And if he wants to continue to be disrespectful and rude in your home, then don't do anything for him. Don't make him food, don't buy him special food, and don't wash his laundry ect.
You might also want to limit his video game access.
The Kid thinks he is equal to your Hubby therefore he can argue with him... I had this issue with my SS. I stopped letting him pull me into arguements. I talk, you shut up, you don't talk back. The more you keep running your mouth the more punishments you get.
He is doing this stuff because he can get away with it.... so you gotta stop letting him get away with it.
That sounds horrible. I cannot believe how fast the kid changed, I know teenagers are hard to deal wtih but this sounds downright miserable. I have no idea how you are doing as good as you are. I agree with step-in mom, set some boundaries and punishments for the kid. I wouldn't allow him to call his mom and he needs to know he has to suffer the consequences for his actions. That will not be an easy lesson to learn, I am very proud of you for removing yourself from this situation. That is the right thing for you to do, but I think you and your husband need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. I wonder how he behaves for his mother?
I just feel for you so much, I really hope some light bulb goes off and he snaps out of this stage. Maybe he will be able to keep his job and find some value in earning his own money.
But, that's just the thing! He's not getting away with it! He is swiftly punished by my husband, but then he calls and mother and she gets involved and its a disaster. This is why he goes back to her place, doesn't answer his phone, doesn't come over for weeks etc. etc. Then she gets fed up and wants private time with her boyfriend so forces him over again. She refuses to talk to my husband, except through text, so a meeting of the minds is unlikely. Oh, and she IS a counselor and refuses to get him professional treatment because she's "all the counseling he needs," - yup, that is a direct quote. She has sole custody, so we are really at a legal loss here.
I have stopped accommodating his picky eating - he eats what we cook or nothing, we haven't taken him out to dinner in months, and I stopped paying for his online video game access since he wasn't doing his chores(so now he hates me).
It is SO HARD to try to raise a kid one way when the other parent completely negates 1.) your role and 2.)everything you've tried to instill (I'm speaking on my husband's behalf here).
If he gets away with everything at moms, why would he want to come to dads, where there are consequences?
This sounds all too familiar. I feel your pain, EWO.
Does your husband impose any rules and consequences? I have taken many video game controllers away over the years. It might work for you too.
It's hard to be the "bad guy," so try to be supportive of your husband. He's probably worried that The Kid will not want to come over if he's the "mean dad."
It also sounds like counseling might do The Kid some good. Some insurance plans cover it, so check into it.
Haha my comment was too late. You already answered my question. I don't know what else you can do with a biomom like this!?
We had similar issues with both SD's calling/texting mommy dearest & her telling them they didn't have to listen to me...
Hubby's solution, confiscating the phone during HIS visits.. he tols them that since they lived with her full time he wanted to utilize what little time HE had to it's fullest extent & that didn't include calling/texting mommy.
Also, I would seriously limit the video games too... my son (15) has a tendency to be more hostile/angry when allowed to play any sort of violent game... (some boys just do) once we started limiting what he played AND how long he played, his attitude improved...
Carol - thanks! The Husband and I had a good chat last night about video games. I've always left it up to him to monitor that but he's gotten lazy. He's cut it down to 1.5 supervised hrs a day (with a total of three hours total media time a day). Hopefully this will improve the attitude situation - I'll keep you posted!
The Husband is also going to monitor cell phone use at our house...as in, The Kid is not allowed to use it if he's angry. He can make all the calls he wants when he has calmed down. We feel this still gives him freedom and privacy to talk to his family but with limitations so that he doesn't try to pit one parent against the other.
Thanks again for all your advice ladies!
xo
I have been thinking about you since the before Father's day post and hoping things would get better. I'm so sorry to hear that The Kid has turned into a monster.
I completely understand the discipline issue also. We have something similar at our house. We descipline, but then once the kids go back to their moms all the work gets flushed down the crapper.
Hang in there. Try to make some time for yourself and also dates for you and the hubby.
Thinking of you and hoping things get better.
Hugs!
Sounds like a whirlwind of junk is flying around your house. One of my mantras for dealing with the icky behavior is to constantly remind myself that "It's not the child I don't like, it's his behavior."
Hang in there though! Hopefully, he'll get an "a ha" moment soon. Maybe work or military school :)
So much of this sounds so familiar. It's an awkward and difficult time at best. I spent a lot of time hanging out in my room too, or going out or just not being around, because what the hell, I was invisible to him anyways. Hang in there. It will get better. - G
I was going to make the same suggestion about phone access. He's not entitled to the "right" to call his mommy when he is not getting his way. If she is making the situation worse, then don't let him contact her, or better yet, contact her on a 3-way call, with your husband involved in the coversation. Doesn't sound like the BM has the maturity or mental capacity to help out here, but that would force the "you don't have to listen to your father" into the open if she tried it with him on the phone.
That sounds like such a rough situation and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. I often worry about T in the teenage years because I can count on one hand the number of times she had heard the word No from her BM.
I think you and your husband are doing the right thing. The kid needs structure and limits and you guys are definitely helping him there.
I'm so happy to hear that Father's Day went well. It's too bad BM bailed but nice for your husband to have the day with his son.
Lots of hugs your way.
Teens can really suck, and it's even worse when you have BM telling the boy what he wants to hear.
I'm not sure if I've missed that you don't have a legal visitation agreement in place or not, but if you do it's not his "choice" to go to dad's or not. DH needs to go pick his ass up during his times, and if SS doesn't "want to" too bad. He can either come to the house and be grounded and have a bad attitude or he can make the most of it.
I get so sick of how the kids are the ones running the households in so many divorced situations. All you can do is control what's going on at your house, stay consistent and firm, and remind him that it's your house/your rules.
Good luck!
I feel everything you are going through. I meet my step-daughter when she was a super sweet, emotional, loving 7 year old...next month she turns into a cocky, I'm better than you 17 year old. I love her to death but.... had I talked to any adult the way she thinks she can, my mom would have slapped my face. I tell my hubby all the time she's going to smart off to the wrong person one day and they are going to "school" her. I almost wish that would happen, soon. I wish I could say it gets better, but who knows. We have good weekends and aweful ones. Being a step-mom is the hardest job I've ever had with very little rewards...but I couldn't picture that little girl out of my life.
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