Well, Fuck.

Despite going gluten free, doing weekly acupuncture, taking mega-supplements and baby aspirin, AND using progesterone suppositories, pregnancy #5 was a wash. Ironically, this pregnancy was shorter (by one week) than my other pregnancies, with the exception of the chemical in November.

Apparently, my stats now look like 0-5 % chance of ever carrying a pregnancy to term. So, looks like I may be out of this game for good. I am meeting with my doctor next week to discuss a more permanent form of birth control.

Hey at least my stepson lives with us again, since his massively pregnant 40-year-old mother doesn't give a crap about him now that she's having a new family. So, at least there's that.

(I'm pretty sure the tone of this post is why I don't blog anymore. I am a miserable bitch nowadays. Sorry for that.)


*Sorry if I lied to anyone re:this pregnancy. A few of you had asked me about TTC, and I just really didn't want to say anything to anyone, especially my fellow babyloss friends who may have been saddened to hear I was pregnant again.

Another One Bites the Dust

Sigh.
Miscarriage #2 is in progress. Two pregnancies and two losses in 4 months. I promise this isn't becoming a pregnancy blog. Or fertility-struggle blog. It's just the story of a girl who sacrificed everything for a kid that wasn't hers and then couldn't have kids of her own. I know there's lots of you out there.
I really think there is little out there that can make you hate being a stepparent more than repeatedly losing your own pregnancies. Not a hostile, selfish, destructive, money-sucking ex. Not a slovenly, ungrateful teenage stepchild.
This girl is doing what she does best and looking to relocate. This may or may not entail The Husband coming with me. This, of course, does not mean we'll divorce. I just know he won't leave where we live, and I'm looking to move internationally for grad school. It would only be a couple of years. This is something I have been tossing around for a long, long while. Long before I even met him. And though marriage requires compromise, I have been consistently held back by the man that I love. I feel like I have compromised an awful lot for him over the past seven years and I'm ready to live my life again, to better my life, to do the things I've put on the back-burner because I was cleaning up someone else's mess. I know it sounds weird, but I'm excited for the opportunity this loss has presented me with.
Again, thank you for all the positive vibes you sent my way, you have no idea how much they were appreciated. Now, it's time to focus on getting through the holidays. Hey, at least now I can have a drink, right?

Business as Usual

Tomorrow morning, we are heading back up the mountains. And I really don't want to go.
Our relaxing weekend away in the mountains two weeks ago ended disastrously and I have no desire to smell that crisp mountain air again just yet.
But, we take The Kid up North every summer before he goes back to school. We were planning on taking him when we were expecting a baby and we are going to take him now that we're not expecting. It was always our intention to disturb his routine as little as possible with the changes ahead.
I asked The Husband if I could just stay home this weekend and enjoy the quiet of the house, but he doesn't want to go if I don't go. And neither does The Kid. You see, they fight like cats and dogs so they like to have me around the mediate and diffuse. I'm also the Director of Finance & Administration for our little family, so I need to be there to handle money related things and instruct them what we are doing next and where we are eating dinner.
Now that it has finally stopped raining here, I'm starting to feel a little more optimistic. We're going water sliding, spelunking, tubing, hiking and fishing so nice weather is sort of essential. Maybe it will be good for us to go back up there and have fun.
I do have a wicked stepmom plan in place though: we are leaving at 6am on the dot tomorrow. That means that The Kid, whose summer bedtime is, well, late will be exhausted all weekend. Which means when we get back to our hotel every night, he won't be complaining about, well, everything. Or, maybe he will but at least I've got a plan in place, right? ;)
In other news, I had my post D&C follow-up with my OB and everything looks great and back to normal. He did a tissue analysis after the procedure (though by the time I got admitted to the hospital, I'm not sure there was much left) and said everything was normal so there are no concerns. After one normal period we are free and clear to try again. Looks like it's back to business as usual.

Little Monster

There have been some HUGE changes going on in our life right now (I'll get into that more later). Needless to say, these changes have completely distracted me from life in general, and especially from blogging.
Thank you all for your advice and kind words regarding my last post. The Kid ended up coming over for Father's Day because his mom and stepdad had wedding plans and bailed on their family plans. I can't even think about that one right now. At least he ended up spending the day with his father...
We had a family BBQ over at my brother's house and he was extremely well-behaved. He got his dad a card, and I ran out and got him a present to give (something we had been texting about over the weekend). He was very kind to my family, hugging my dad and grandad and wishing them a happy Father's Day. I was impressed.
Other than that, he has been completely impossible. I must say, I'm so glad I met him years ago and have had time to know him as a kind, compassionate boy. Because if I were just meeting him now, I would not believe that he is, or ever could be, a decent human being. It's like it happened overnight, but suddenly The Kid is a monster. I understand that this is temporary, and that it is likely much worse because he is a child of an especially rough divorce. But still...my bedroom has become my bunker. If I haven't made plans with my friends, I spend almost every moment he's home in my room. I've had to leave the house a few times because World Wars III, IV, V and VI have already happened in my living room.
The Kid is spoiled and rude. He talks back to his father constantly, and then when he is punished calls his mom to come pick him up (she doesn't because she's caught up with Future Stepdad, but tells him he doesn't have to listen to his father). We take him out to dinner and he orders food that he doesn't eat (one of my biggest pet peeves is wasting food...). Then he tells us to get him something else. My husband, who grew up poor, is extremely intolerant of this and it always turns into a fight. In fact, pretty much all those two do is yell at each other. The Kid is disobedient and LAZY. He refuses to do any chores at our house, he's a slob and he's generally dirty. I've left for work a few times where he is laying on the couch playing video games and when I come home 10 hours later he is laying in the same spot, in the same clothes, not having eaten all day. He's starting a job next week, but The Husband and I both think he'll get fired after a couple of weeks, if he doesn't quit.
On top of that, he is extremely socially awkward. He doesn't have any friends, which means he spends all of his time alone or with adult family. He is very negative and has violent tendencies so other kids tend to shy away and are uncomfortable hanging out with him.
I know he's going through a lot of changes right now; his hormones are out of whack and his families are rapidly changing, just to name a few. Of course I still love him (and I always will) but right now I really don't like him.
Fortunately, The Husband completely understands. He feels that all the parenting he does in our 3-5 days a week is immediately erased when The Kid goes back to his mother's house. He is frustrated, upset and angry and fighting the feelings that he has "lost" his son. It doesn't help that Mommie Dearest is trying to push him out of his son's life again. There's much more to the story but The Husband sees tendencies in The Kid that seriously concern him.
It's like these changes happened overnight.
We're just trying to hold fast to our parenting ideals and work together to support The Kid as he spirals into teenage life. And, attempt a little family fun along the way.

Rejected

The biggest reason The Husband and I got married is because we make such a good team. Sure, we love each other and all that other typical marriage stuff, but what really solidified our decision was that when the shit hits the fan, we work so well together. And marriage is supposed to make life a little easier, right? Well, it's a good thing we do make such a good team. Because we would never get through this bullshit if we didn't.

In short: I thought the days of alienation were over.
I was very wrong.
They most definitely are not.
The spawning of The Ex's "New Family" has completely destroyed all the work we have put into strengthening our family. I can't get into it all today - I don't have the time and I certainly don't have the energy.
I'll leave it at this:
Last night, I asked The Kid if he wanted to get anything for Future Stepdad for Father's Day. He said he already got him presents and a card. (Dare I admit this crushed me? FS hasn't even been in the picture a year and he's already getting Father's Day presents? I didn't even get a nod on Mother's Day after over six years of this shit. It didn't bother me the time, because I'm not his mom, but hearing that FS get's a huge friggin' nod, well, it hurts.) I then asked what he wanted to get his dad for Father's Day. He said, "NOTHING!"
He then said he does not want to come over on Father's Day - "I already made plans with Future Stepdad." He's even growing out his hair so they can have matching ponytails at the wedding and he's thinking about changing his name to Future Stepdad's last name.
Ouch.
I honestly don't know if my husband can go through this again.
Needless to say, I spent all of last night after dinner seething in my room, ignoring all knocks on my door and listening to music I hoped would snap me out of it. Yes, I cried. Yes, my husband is pissed (to put it lightly). No, I don't know what we are going to do about it. Any suggestions?
We're due to go out of town for the weekend, leaving today. We were going to rush back on Sunday morning so The Kid and The Husband could spend Father's Day together. I guess the bright side of this shitshow is we get to extend our trip a little.