The biggest reason The Husband and I got married is because we make such a good team. Sure, we love each other and all that other typical marriage stuff, but what really solidified our decision was that when the shit hits the fan, we work so well together. And marriage is supposed to make life a little easier, right? Well, it's a good thing we do make such a good team. Because we would never get through this bullshit if we didn't.
In short: I thought the days of alienation were over.
I was very wrong.
They most definitely are not.
The spawning of The Ex's "New Family" has completely destroyed all the work we have put into strengthening our family. I can't get into it all today - I don't have the time and I certainly don't have the energy.
I'll leave it at this:
Last night, I asked The Kid if he wanted to get anything for Future Stepdad for Father's Day. He said he already got him presents and a card. (Dare I admit this crushed me? FS hasn't even been in the picture a year and he's already getting Father's Day presents? I didn't even get a nod on Mother's Day after over six years of this shit. It didn't bother me the time, because I'm not his mom, but hearing that FS get's a huge friggin' nod, well, it hurts.) I then asked what he wanted to get his dad for Father's Day. He said, "NOTHING!"
He then said he does not want to come over on Father's Day - "I already made plans with Future Stepdad." He's even growing out his hair so they can have matching ponytails at the wedding and he's thinking about changing his name to Future Stepdad's last name.
Ouch.
I honestly don't know if my husband can go through this again.
Needless to say, I spent all of last night after dinner seething in my room, ignoring all knocks on my door and listening to music I hoped would snap me out of it. Yes, I cried. Yes, my husband is pissed (to put it lightly). No, I don't know what we are going to do about it. Any suggestions?
We're due to go out of town for the weekend, leaving today. We were going to rush back on Sunday morning so The Kid and The Husband could spend Father's Day together. I guess the bright side of this shitshow is we get to extend our trip a little.
16 comments:
Well I think that the Kid is old enough and you guys need to sit down and have a talk with him. He isn't a little kid anymore, and he needs to think about how his actions effect others....
How would he feel if his REAL Dad ignored his birthday?
Now I am not saying go off on him, but really TALK to him.... why does he feel the way he does? Why does he think it is ok to hang out with FSD and get him a present and not his own Dad on Fathers Day?
My SS is 11, and I have had a simillar age appropriate coversation with him. It was along the lines of "Why do you not want to get your Dad a present, but you get your Mom one?" ect.
You DH needs to stand up for his rights as a Dad... if he just stands by and lets things happen, then the alienation will continue.
That has to be truly heart breaking for you and your husband. I agree with step in mom, the kid is old enough to know better and I think a good sit down talk would help. I am sure his mom took him to buy the gifts and told him he should do it, and probably put the kids real dad down, so you and your husband need to shine some light on the truth and have a chat. Kids can be selfish and tend not to think about others, but maybe after having the talk with him, you might be able to snap him out of it. So sorry you are going through this. She cannot legally change his name to the future stepdad without your husband's blessing correct?
Sad his mom puts him in the middle and plays games like this.
I really hope you are able to enjoy your trip. I will be thinking about you, sending you good vibes.
Ugh! This is awful! We've been through it too & I wish my hubby had sat them down & let them know how it made him feel.. but because he never did, they have never spent a Father's day with US (they did with him 2yrs ago while we were seprated, AT their mother's home) It saddens hubby that they acknowledge Sdad over him... it started with their mother's pushing, but by NOT saying anything, nothing has changed, it's only gotten worse...
Blech!! I don't even have solid advice here, but just know that I feel for you. This kind of manipulation is just sick! I don't disagree about just sitting down and having an age appropriate conversation. Don't bash the mom or future stepdad (hard, I know!!), just make the kid aware that other people, like his dad, have feelings too. Thinking of you!!!
This is simply heartbreaking. I can't imagine how terrible you both must feel.
I also agree with Step-in Mom. At 11-12 years of age, the kid is old enough to know what Father's Day is about. Dad should have a talk with him and let him know how he feels. This sounds like classic PAS, and it makes me wonder what biomom is telling the kid.
P.S. Those matching ponytails sound so klassy for a wedding.
That is so sad! I'm very sorry!
I think Sharon is right - that sounds like classic PAS
I'm a newbie to your site (I came looking for help mysef) but I certainly empathize with you. I've been with my husband 8 yrs, married almost 5, and am stepmom to his 4 kids (ages 30,29,20 & 11).
It's always kind of bugged me that his own kids never acknowledge DH on his birthday, Father's Day or Christmas - but they never hesitate to show up for the free food on holidays and they (the older 3 at least) would bust dads chops if he forgot them.
Sadly, DH has never and will never tell them how hurt he gets, but I'm with the others here who say it's time for that talk!
Love your site, best of luck!
Heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that you two have to go through this. I only hope that SS comes around. I agree with the others, 11 is old enough to know about FAther's Day and it might be time for a father son chat.
Lots of hugs and prayers your way.
Wow...I am so sorry to hear what you and your husband are going through. I wish I had some stellar advise for you, but do know that you are in my thoughts and I am hoping things will work out and get better.
Hugs!!
I'm with all the other ladies on sitting that child down and having a talk about considering others. Maybe the shiny new will wear off after a while.
I'm so sorry to hear this. That's got to really hurt. When the Ex got re-married, we got shut out for awhile too. It didn't last forever though, and he eventually came around and realized who his family was. My SS was just a bit younger than yours is at the time, but I think the adolescent age is one where kids, almost all kids, push the boundaries of relationships. But, it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. Although things got back on track in his teen years, later when he was on the edge of becoming an independent adult, we again went through another period of estrangement. I think it had to do with both these periods being times in a young person's life when they are learning to be a bit more independent.
Hang in there. - G
Ohhh this is awful - I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions.... praying for you!
This is sickening. I agree that he is old enough to have a direct conversation with him about it, and not be let off the hook with shrugs and "I don't know".
It does seem like he's been deliberately swayed to view his family with his mother as more important than his family with his father and you. How any parent can live with themselves when they do this is beyond me.
This really sucks all the way around. What was DH's reaction to this? Did he just go ahead and allow SS to not spend Father's Day with him? Why was he even given a choice?
I agree that he's old enough to have a talk about these things.
I can also tell you that the first boyfriend that BM brought around was immediately adored by SS. For a few reasons. 1.) he was nothing like dad...he wanted to go camping and hunting and fishing and shoot guns. Not exactly how my FH is. He's more metrosexual. 2.) A new same sex person is usually giving them a new perspective and might do things with them dad won't. Kids also have more of a tendancy to want to get this person to like them.
The old boyfriend had a son and treated my SS like he was a "better" son because his son is autistic. MESSED UP for a dad to do that, but that's what happened. My SS was like the son he didn't have. The new boyfriend has a daughter and not a son, so he wants to do all these boy things with SS. SS thinks they are "best buddies", but he knows who his dad is.
On the flip side...I also have a SD and she is a mommy's girl, BUT when she's with us she is all over me. Wanting to do stuff together and telling her friends how cool I am. I'm sure that it upsets mom too, but I am clear with SD that I am a friend and not her mom.
Your DH needs to stand up for who he is in the kid's life. I will tell you that if he doesn't...the kid will get closer and closer to the other guy because he will think that dad doesn't care. By saying nothing...it just validates everything that mom is telling him.
Your DH needs to make it clear that it's ok to like future stepdad and that he should be respectful of him, just as he should be of you. However, that you don't replace mom and stepdad doesn't replace dad...that you and him are additions to the family. Not replacements.
In regards to the wretched ponytails for the wedding...did you and DH have your SS in the wedding and how involved was he?
Good luck!
I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you and your husband. I think it is a good idea to talk to the boy.
I am about to say something a that may not relate entirely to this situation, but has helped me. I have a sister-in-law who is also a Step-mom.
I have been struggling with one of my older step-girls. I was trying to do everything to help her feel like she is still part of the family and to have a relationship with her newer half siblings. The thing is, everything I tried I would turn around and find myself being stabbed in the back.
My sister-in-law gave me some great advise: Treat the girl like a cat. Instead of running after her and accepting her "gifts" you can ignore and refuse them. Let her come to you.
I hear less from this child. And feel a lot less stress. I am not calling her to try to kiss up per sei.
I know it is different with being the birth parent. My father is still hurt by my older half sister, and it is 35 years later. I wish I had an answer. Be there for him when he needs you. I hope that he will one day see you and your hubby only want his happiness.
I'm just reading this now, but I have to agree with everyone else. A simple talk about everyone's feelings is called for. And I can totally relate about not getting a stitch of recognition on mother's day, but stepdad is the man on father's day. Just wrote a post about this recently myself. I think that a) some kids (like yours and mine it seems) fall in love with a new adult readily and quickly. And b) It's ok for him to want to emulate this new man in his life, if he still is supported in his relationship with his father. A kid can love more than one father and more than one mother. He should be supported in loving all his parents.
It sounds like maybe BM doesn't support you guys, nor does my voldy. But that doesn't mean you can't take the high road and still allow your SS to love his new stepdad (within some limits- no name change- taht's for sure!!!)
I can say all that on your blog, but I realize quite realistically that it so much easier said than accepted or done.
Thinking of you.
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