Business as Usual

Tomorrow morning, we are heading back up the mountains. And I really don't want to go.
Our relaxing weekend away in the mountains two weeks ago ended disastrously and I have no desire to smell that crisp mountain air again just yet.
But, we take The Kid up North every summer before he goes back to school. We were planning on taking him when we were expecting a baby and we are going to take him now that we're not expecting. It was always our intention to disturb his routine as little as possible with the changes ahead.
I asked The Husband if I could just stay home this weekend and enjoy the quiet of the house, but he doesn't want to go if I don't go. And neither does The Kid. You see, they fight like cats and dogs so they like to have me around the mediate and diffuse. I'm also the Director of Finance & Administration for our little family, so I need to be there to handle money related things and instruct them what we are doing next and where we are eating dinner.
Now that it has finally stopped raining here, I'm starting to feel a little more optimistic. We're going water sliding, spelunking, tubing, hiking and fishing so nice weather is sort of essential. Maybe it will be good for us to go back up there and have fun.
I do have a wicked stepmom plan in place though: we are leaving at 6am on the dot tomorrow. That means that The Kid, whose summer bedtime is, well, late will be exhausted all weekend. Which means when we get back to our hotel every night, he won't be complaining about, well, everything. Or, maybe he will but at least I've got a plan in place, right? ;)
In other news, I had my post D&C follow-up with my OB and everything looks great and back to normal. He did a tissue analysis after the procedure (though by the time I got admitted to the hospital, I'm not sure there was much left) and said everything was normal so there are no concerns. After one normal period we are free and clear to try again. Looks like it's back to business as usual.

Little Monster

There have been some HUGE changes going on in our life right now (I'll get into that more later). Needless to say, these changes have completely distracted me from life in general, and especially from blogging.
Thank you all for your advice and kind words regarding my last post. The Kid ended up coming over for Father's Day because his mom and stepdad had wedding plans and bailed on their family plans. I can't even think about that one right now. At least he ended up spending the day with his father...
We had a family BBQ over at my brother's house and he was extremely well-behaved. He got his dad a card, and I ran out and got him a present to give (something we had been texting about over the weekend). He was very kind to my family, hugging my dad and grandad and wishing them a happy Father's Day. I was impressed.
Other than that, he has been completely impossible. I must say, I'm so glad I met him years ago and have had time to know him as a kind, compassionate boy. Because if I were just meeting him now, I would not believe that he is, or ever could be, a decent human being. It's like it happened overnight, but suddenly The Kid is a monster. I understand that this is temporary, and that it is likely much worse because he is a child of an especially rough divorce. But still...my bedroom has become my bunker. If I haven't made plans with my friends, I spend almost every moment he's home in my room. I've had to leave the house a few times because World Wars III, IV, V and VI have already happened in my living room.
The Kid is spoiled and rude. He talks back to his father constantly, and then when he is punished calls his mom to come pick him up (she doesn't because she's caught up with Future Stepdad, but tells him he doesn't have to listen to his father). We take him out to dinner and he orders food that he doesn't eat (one of my biggest pet peeves is wasting food...). Then he tells us to get him something else. My husband, who grew up poor, is extremely intolerant of this and it always turns into a fight. In fact, pretty much all those two do is yell at each other. The Kid is disobedient and LAZY. He refuses to do any chores at our house, he's a slob and he's generally dirty. I've left for work a few times where he is laying on the couch playing video games and when I come home 10 hours later he is laying in the same spot, in the same clothes, not having eaten all day. He's starting a job next week, but The Husband and I both think he'll get fired after a couple of weeks, if he doesn't quit.
On top of that, he is extremely socially awkward. He doesn't have any friends, which means he spends all of his time alone or with adult family. He is very negative and has violent tendencies so other kids tend to shy away and are uncomfortable hanging out with him.
I know he's going through a lot of changes right now; his hormones are out of whack and his families are rapidly changing, just to name a few. Of course I still love him (and I always will) but right now I really don't like him.
Fortunately, The Husband completely understands. He feels that all the parenting he does in our 3-5 days a week is immediately erased when The Kid goes back to his mother's house. He is frustrated, upset and angry and fighting the feelings that he has "lost" his son. It doesn't help that Mommie Dearest is trying to push him out of his son's life again. There's much more to the story but The Husband sees tendencies in The Kid that seriously concern him.
It's like these changes happened overnight.
We're just trying to hold fast to our parenting ideals and work together to support The Kid as he spirals into teenage life. And, attempt a little family fun along the way.

Goodbye...Hello...

Goodbye waking up at 6 am to the sound of zombies getting blown up on the xBox...Hello pulling teeth to get you out of bed before noon...

Goodbye walking down the street with you...Hello walking down the street twenty feet behind you (while you pretend you have no idea who I am)...

Goodbye doing what you're told...Hello talking back...

Goodbye chocolate all over your face...Hello blackheads all over your face...

Goodbye temper tantrums...Hello mood swings...

Goodbye to ice cream solving all the world's problems...Hello realizing that the people you trust aren't as perfect as they let on...

Goodbye little boy...Hello young man.

Sweet Little Lies

The Husband and I always said we couldn't wait until The Kid started to figure things out for himself. It sort of helped us get through the real tough times, keep our mouths shut and just be there for The Kid.
But let me tell you, I sort of wish he didn't have to figure out all the bullshit. Because watching him go through it is heartbreaking.

*****

The Kid has been dealing with a bully at school. This is a boy who is younger and much smaller than him, so it is not a physical threat. The bully is taunting him. It seems a boy The Kid had been friends with, but has since drifted away from, has become good friends with the bully. And has been gossiping about The Kid to the bully.
A few days back, Kid came home in tears. He didn't want to tell us what was wrong. He was sobbing. He eventually just told us that Bully was picking on him and so he shoved him at recess. We then talked about the best way to deal with a bully, and asked him if he wanted his parents to go talk to the principal or call the bully's parents. He didn't want parental interference just yet, but agreed to try ignoring the taunts. (The Kid gets very easily worked up and so teasing him gets a big reaction.)
I picked him up from school yesterday. I was late, because there was a road block (the floods last week really ruined our roads) and I had to go a completely different way to the school. I was freaking out, as I know he was having a rough time at school and I didn't want him to feel abandoned or stuck there. I pulled into the parking lot, and into the car bounds The Kid.
"How was school?" I asked.
"Good!"
"Really?"
"Yeah. It was good! Bully started to say something to me and I just slammed the door in his face. It didn't hit him or anything. But I just ignored him. And he left me alone. He didn't bother me for the rest of the day! Then he got beat up at recess by a bunch of girls. And Former Friend told me he only hangs out with Bully because Bully's parents are rich and take them to all sorts of cool places."
I breathed out a huge sigh of relief.
Overall, we had a good afternoon. Took the dog for walk, watched a few episodes of a show we like on Netflix, did homework, went for a bike ride. We recently (read: yesterday) gave The Kid a men's bike. I bought him a bike when he was 10 (he had never ridden a bike before!) and bike riding has become one of his favorite activities. Last week, I noticed his knees were hitting the handlebars of the kids bike, we we needed to upgrade.
The new bike is more complicated (multi-speed, sensitive brakes) and he was having a tough time getting used to it. About halfway through the bike ride he started to get really frustrated. He hopped off the bike and started kicking the shit out of it. I did not yell at him, but did tell him that it was an expensive bike and he did not need to ride it if he didn't like it but he couldn't ruin it. He mumbled an apology, jumped back on and sped home.
I knew something more than the bike was bothering him.
In the driveway, he threw down the bike and ran in the house. While I was locking the bikes up, I heard him yell at the dog and storm up to his room. I gave him a minute, then went to the bottom of the stairs. I could hear him in his room sobbing. Like, crumpled-in-a-pile-choking-on-snot sobbing.
I honestly didn't know what to do. I've never been alone with him when he's this upset. Did he want his mom? Would I make it worse? Should I leave him alone?
My instinct was just to go hug him and tell him it's okay and let him cry. I crept up the stairs and knocked on his door.
"You okay?"
A pained, "NO!" came from the pile on the floor.
I handed him a tissue and asked if he wanted to talk about it.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
But, then he did.
He told me that Bully has been teasing him about something specific. Bully has been telling all the kids at school that The Husband is a drug dealer and drug addict. He's been teasing The Kid about this and calling the kid various and sundry drug-related names. Today the figured out that Former Friend told Bully that The Kid's dad grew, sold and did drugs. Apparently Former Friend was told this "information" a few years back when he and The Kid were close and passed it on to Bully. Bully promptly jumped on the information and started taunting The Kid at recess. The Kid realized today that it was he who told Former Friend these things about his dad. He told his friend this because that was what he was told by his mother and grandparents during the year and a half he didn't see his dad.
His breakdown last night? Not because of the bike. At all. It was because he realized the enormity of the lie that he was told and its vast implications. He shoved Bully because he was sticking up for his dad. Then, he realized it was he who had passed on these "facts" about his dad (albeit when he was barely eight years old). He felt like he had betrayed his father. And, he felt betrayed by his family.
Through tears, he told me he just wanted to move away. "There's too much shit going on in my life right now. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to grow up. I want to move far away. So far away. It's just too much."
I sat on the floor with him, rubbing his back, and telling him he had every right to be angry at his family. I told him being angry at someone doesn't mean you don't love them anymore, and that he needed to experience those feelings. I told him not to feel badly about saying those things about his dad, that he was just listening to people he had always trusted, that he was a little boy then and didn't know any better. I told him dad wasn't upset that those things were said about him, because they're not true.
I told him if we grew and sold pot we would have a much nicer house and brand new cars, so obviously we aren't doing those things.
I told him all this while choking back tears of my own. I don't like to see the boy hurting.
How can those people claim that this child is the center of their lives and drive him to this? Did they really, truly think my husband was a drug dealer? Did they really, truly think they were protecting this child?
I don't know.
But I do know that watching The Kid figure out the lies, watching him realize what he has been put through for whatever reasons isn't nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be. Actually, it sucks.

And So It Begins

Last year, for The Kid's birthday, we took him Up North for a weekend. It was his first time Up North. We took him snowboarding and did lots of fun things. Since August, he has been asking if we were going to go Up North for his birthday again, and we promised we would.
We took him this past weekend. And this past weekend The Kid decided to start acting like a teenager. The Husband and I were so excited because we were surprising him with a really fun hotel, and some fun activities. Well, the normal 4 hour drive to get there took us more than 6. We got to the hotel very late on Friday night (because, on top of the traffic, getting the kid to put down his video game remote and leave the house was like pulling teeth).
The next morning, The Kid asked if we were going snowboarding. Last year, we brought him snowboarding for the first time. He hated it and ended up playing in the snow mounds in the parking lot for hours. I agreed to play with him while The Husband boarded for the afternoon. $300 wasted to play in a parking lot. So this year, I decided not to spend the money. Well, Mr. I'm13Now was pissed because he told all his friends he was going snowboarding and now he wasn't. He pitched a fit and insisted he liked boarding and wanted to go. I offered that he could use the birthday money we were giving him to buy a lift ticket and use his own money for rentals if he really wanted to board; he sulked and denied the offer.
He ended up having a mostly fun day Saturday and enjoying the surprise activities we had planned. But Sunday, folks, was a nightmare.
Our plan was to get a decent breakfast and begin the trek home, stopping at a few shops along the way (shops, mind you, that were of extreme interest to The Kid).
"I don't care if you're hungry. I don't want breakfast. Can't we just go home?" "Gimme your iPhone. I'm so friggin' bored I need something to do."
[at shop] "Here's the stuff I want you to buy me. I'll be waiting in the car." "Why did you drink that whole bottle of water if you knew we were driving? Now we have to stop just so you can pee. This is ridiculous."
Most of this I attributed to normal teenage behavior. Yes, it was annoying but not particularly out of character for a 13-year-old.
Until...
Until we stopped at a rest stop so The Husband could relieve himself. The Kid and I were waiting in the car and he was telling me how he couldn't wait to get home and play his video game.
"I want to get this modification for it as soon as we get home. Can I get it?" he asked.
"Depends. How much of your birthday money is left over?" I replied.
"$2.03" he answered. "But the mod is $8.00"
"Well, I used up all our extra money this weekend. I don't have enough money in that account for the mod. So I guess you can't get it."
"Well then you better go to the bank and put some money in so I can get it. I would have rather stayed home and played games than come here anyway," he said with the utmost I-am-entitled-to-whatever-I-want attitude.
Oh yes, he did. He demanded that I go deposit money into one of my bank account expressly for his entertainment.
This is about the time my head exploded. Or nearly. You see, to take him away for this weekend cost me nearly $1,000. And money is hard to come by in our house. My husband is not working, and this is not by choice. He does not receive unemployment. I'm trying to run a household on my (very average) salary alone. I took on a second part-time job to help out. I used every scrap of money I got for Christmas to pay for this weekend. I canceled dinner plans to save money. I put off buying myself a new pair of glasses (my prescription is out of date, but I hardly wear them so I figured I could wait). I really want a new camera lens, but I wanted our family to have this fun memory even more. I worked really hard not to let him down.
I tried not to get angry. I tried not to take it (too) personally. But I was fighting back tears. I really, truly went out of my way to make this weeknend happen. For him.
I whipped around, facing him with what I'm sure what was a terrifying look on my face and spat, through clenched teeth, "How. About. You. Say. 'Thank. You. For. Spending. All. Your. Money. To. Take. Me. Away. This. Weekend.' Instead. Of. Asking. For. More. THINGS."
Silence.
"Whatever," he muttered.
With that, my sunglasses went down, not to be lifted again until I was safely in the privacy of my own room.

The rest of the ride was punctuated with more complaints. I probably could have behaved better in response, but I was so hurt and angry that I just fed into his attitude.

"This car is so friggin' uncomfortable." Sigh. Sigh. Long drawn out sigh.
I am rather tall and had the seat pulled up so that my legs were squished in order that he might have more room. Not good enough? Fine. Why should I suffer? Upon this complaint, I shot my seat back so that I was comfortable, and asked, "Better?"

"Your iPod sucks."
I turned off the radio all together. (The ironic part is his iPod is mainly full of my music; they are basically one-in-the-same. Not to mention I let him download 10 new songs for the trip.)

"I'm starving. I don't want Subway for lunch. Find somewhere else to eat."
"Get in your car, take your money and find somewhere else to eat."
"I don't have any money and you know I can't drive."
"Then starve, I guess."
(He ended up getting Subway.)

When we got home (finally!), he refused to say thank you, even when his father insisted on it. He sat on the couch, telling the dog what a horrible weekend it was. He was being an asshole. Not just to me, but to his dad as well.When it was time to go back to mom's, he slipped out the door without even a goodbye.

Of course I still love The Kid. Of course I'll still do things for him. I'm not going to dwell on this experience as a benchmark of our relationship. But this weekend was an eye-opening experience. He has slipped into that hormonal void where nothing I, or his dad, or his mom, or his stepdad, do is good enough. His moods are all over the place, totally unpredictable. Sometimes he's still that sweet kid, but primarily he is a teenager.
Over the past few years, I've been so focused on meeting his needs that I've neglected my own. No more. I've laid a great foundation for our relationship, but it's time to take care of me. And clearly, bending over backwards to make him happy has only made him a spoiled little princess.
Time to buck up, buddy.
And time for me to have some fun!

Reflections on The Kid Turning 13

Today, The Kid officially becomes a young man. We will celebrate with way too many slices of greasy pizza, a camouflage cake and a few close friends.
I think it has only been in the past year that I can wholeheartedly say I love this kid. Probably not like I would love a child of my own making, but since I don't have any kids of my own I'm not sure. My heart has always hurt for him and the bs he has had to put up with. But more recently, I feel much more than empathy. I honestly miss him when he's at his mom's. I truly enjoy the time we spend together, even if it's just eating dinner together. I am so very proud of all that he has accomplished in his life.
He's silly, funny, smart, handsome. He has a kind heart and a sensitive soul. When I see him smile, his real smile, there is no greater feeling.
His feet are growing much faster than the rest of him. When he runs, he trips and flails, his gangly arms thrown out for balance. This makes me giggle. But I know that pretty soon, I won't be giggling at his awkwardness; I'll be reminding him to trim his mustache, staying up late waiting for him to return from a date, looking up at him asking him about college.
I've spent years anxiously wishing for him to grow up, so that he could see the truth, escape from under the thumbs of those who hate his father. But now that he's growing up I want him to stay a kid. I know we only have a handful of Nerf gun wars left before that's not cool anymore. I know going out to dinner with us is going to be a major social faux pas soon enough. And I'm gonna miss that.

Six years ago, he wouldn't even look me in the eye. Today, he calls me mom (but only one no one else is around to hear!). I have no doubt that being his stepmom has made me a better person, and for that I am forever grateful.

Hey Kid, Happy Birthday and thanks for all the fish*.



*A reference to one of our favorite books, I wrote this in his card and couldn't resist including it in this post.