A Good Role Model?

I've mentioned before how The Kid's grandparents are going through a really messy divorce. I try not to do more than mention it because it really is none of my business, though parts of the shitshow definitely do affect me and my family. We live in a small city surrounded by two very small towns. The Ex lives with her mother in one of the towns. The Grandfather now lives in the other town.
Historically, he's been terrible to both The Husband and I (moreso my husband though). The Husband's whole relationship with The Ex was filled with threats from The Grandfather and lots and lots of manipulation of the system (The Grandfather was a cop *sigh*). The verbal venom spewed from this man has been matched only by his soon-to-be ex-wife.
Then he left her/got kicked out (I'll leave that to your imagination).
Based on their behavior over the years, this came as a great shock to The Husband and I. After nearly 40 years of marriage they were divorcing. Naturally, it took a HUGE toll on The Kid. He'd already been through one terrible divorce. Now, just 5 years later, he has to watch another terrible divorce, this time with much more malevolence and an older consciousness with which to remember it by.
He responded by claiming he hated his grandfather. I believe this was largely due to the fact that he was still living with his grandmother and so saw her sadness and heard her rancor. The past two years have been wrought with his disdain for his grandfather, who has hasn't seen in just as long. We try to listen respectfully so that he can vent and correct him if he says something threatening or violent.
I see The Grandfather a few times a week at the gym. He used to ignore me but now stares at me until I look him. Then he will often wave or nod or something. After I married The Husband he actually came over and said, "Congratulations. I wish you the all the best." Doesn't sound like much, but coming from him this is pretty incredible.There seems to be a great sadness to him now.
I think the much of this sadness stems from not seeing The Kid. As a retiree, he practically raised The Kid. Dropped him off to school, picked him up from school, had "sleepovers" (even though they lived together) every Saturday. That child is his light and his life. And he hasn't seem him in two years. And he knows that The Kid thinks ill of him.
I think the whole situation is very sad.
We often drive by The Grandfather, or see his car parked somewhere we're running an errand (small towns!) and this always changes The Kid's mood to a sour one. He gets upset and then angry and then withdrawn. I usually use this opportunity to reassure him that if he ever wants to talk to his grandfather again all he needs to do is let someone know.This is a no-pressure thing, but I don't want him to fall into the same trap that he did when he was alienated from his father. I simply want him to know the option to communicate is there, whether to express how his feelings are hurt or to explain how he misses their time together. And he's always let me know that he never wants to talk to that $%&#*@ again.
Until last night.
After school, out of nowhere, he said he wants to talk to his grandfather. But, he wants to do it on our time, not when he is with his grandmother and/or mother. Don't worry, there is nothing sneaky about this. He just doesn't want this valuable time to be interrupted by hate and knows he will get privacy if he chooses to meet with him on our time.
I'm so proud of The Kid for admitting he needs to talk with his grandfather, for we've known this was the case for months. It demonstrates incredible maturity and independence; he's no longer idly listening to whatever information is pumped to him but rather trying to make decisions himself. As parents, it also makes The Husband and I proud to know that The Kid feels comfortable enough to be honest with us. The Grandfather is The Ex's father and has no relation to us. If anything, when The Husband's divorce was final, that was a good bye and good riddance relationship. I often wonder if The Kid sees through our efforts to be civil, but this instance proves that he trusts us and our support of all his family relationships.
I'll admit it sucks to smile and nod when he talks about people who have caused us so much hurt. But this whole scenario proves that it is worth it if your main objective really is the well-being of the child.
And for me, its one of the first instances where I feel like I've really had a hand in helping to raise this child. All those years of sucking it up, taking the high road and (feigning) forgiveness pay off when I see The Kid give forgiveness a chance. Maybe I have been a good role model after all.

Rejected

The biggest reason The Husband and I got married is because we make such a good team. Sure, we love each other and all that other typical marriage stuff, but what really solidified our decision was that when the shit hits the fan, we work so well together. And marriage is supposed to make life a little easier, right? Well, it's a good thing we do make such a good team. Because we would never get through this bullshit if we didn't.

In short: I thought the days of alienation were over.
I was very wrong.
They most definitely are not.
The spawning of The Ex's "New Family" has completely destroyed all the work we have put into strengthening our family. I can't get into it all today - I don't have the time and I certainly don't have the energy.
I'll leave it at this:
Last night, I asked The Kid if he wanted to get anything for Future Stepdad for Father's Day. He said he already got him presents and a card. (Dare I admit this crushed me? FS hasn't even been in the picture a year and he's already getting Father's Day presents? I didn't even get a nod on Mother's Day after over six years of this shit. It didn't bother me the time, because I'm not his mom, but hearing that FS get's a huge friggin' nod, well, it hurts.) I then asked what he wanted to get his dad for Father's Day. He said, "NOTHING!"
He then said he does not want to come over on Father's Day - "I already made plans with Future Stepdad." He's even growing out his hair so they can have matching ponytails at the wedding and he's thinking about changing his name to Future Stepdad's last name.
Ouch.
I honestly don't know if my husband can go through this again.
Needless to say, I spent all of last night after dinner seething in my room, ignoring all knocks on my door and listening to music I hoped would snap me out of it. Yes, I cried. Yes, my husband is pissed (to put it lightly). No, I don't know what we are going to do about it. Any suggestions?
We're due to go out of town for the weekend, leaving today. We were going to rush back on Sunday morning so The Kid and The Husband could spend Father's Day together. I guess the bright side of this shitshow is we get to extend our trip a little.

And He's Back

The Kid came over last night after his brief hiatus from our family. When he walked in the door, I was making dinner and he breezed by me with barely a "hi." He hid out in his room for the next hour while I continued cooking and The Husband worked in the garage. He didn't even pet the dog. I figured this didn't bode well for the next three days.
Just before dinner was ready, he came downstairs and bounded into the kitchen. And so began a conversation like he had never been gone. He told me all about an episode of his favorite show that was on last night, reenacted a few scenes and made me promise to watch an episode on Hulu with him after dinner. Dinner was just like any other dinner, not awkward or tense. He did his chores after we ate and then played a video game with his dad while I made lunches for today.
He was very affectionate all night. He kept telling his dad he loved him and giving him random hugs.
And, oddest of all, he was doing the same to me. He hardly ever hugs me, and I'm not sure he's ever seriously said "I love you" to me (and admittedly, I actually hesitated with how to reply). Later, we watched a Hulu episode on the laptop in my room. We sat on the bed, his head on my shoulder, and we laughed until it hurt.
I really missed him.
I'm not sure what to make about his recent behavior. He admitted that he received his progress report and he was afraid to tell his dad that he did very poorly because he knew he would get in trouble. My husband dropped out of high school at 16, and his life has not been easy as a result. He got his GED right after he dropped out, but he now realizes the value of education and really pushes The Kid to live up to his potential. The Kid knew that Mom would just sign the report and move on, so he didn't come over. But to go almost two weeks because of something like that? To not answer phone calls or text messages, most of which were Dad insisting he wasn't mad? To miss time with Dad when just a month ago he was asking to live with us? Then to show up and constantly hug and love on this person you worked so hard to ignore?
Call me a cynic, but I tend to think that Mommy Dearest may have had something to do with this whole ordeal. But now, now I'm just glad things are back to normal.

Déjà Vu

The Kid has not been over at all this week.
He refuses to answer his phone (does that mean I don't have to pay for it anymore?).
His mother refuses to talk to my husband. They have only communicated via text message.
The first day of his scheduled time with his, he told his mom he didn't feel well. This was justified, as he had stayed home from school. She texted to say he didn't feel well and would be staying there. I have to admit, I was kinda psyched to have a little extra adult time.
The second day of his scheduled time with his dad, he refused to answer all phone calls even though he was instructed to call after school. He didn't hear from The Ex until nearly 6pm. The Kid would not be coming over.
The third day: rinse and repeat.
The Husband has no idea why The Kid won't talk to him or come to our house. He is extremely frustrated that The Ex is not making The Kid call and talk it out, or even answer her phone so they can try to work it out. She says she can't make him do something he doesn't want to do. The Husband hasn't talked to his son since last Saturday. He starting to get really upset.
I'm hoping that The Kid just did something stupid, something he knows his dad will be upset about, and he doesn't want to face the consequences so he is hiding out at his mom's house.
But it is all starting to feel so familiar.
And I don't like that.

By Any Other Name

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose/ By any other name would smell as sweet." -Juliet Capulet

I was thinking today about how The Ex changed The Kid's last name. When my husband showed up to the court room on that day, she said, "We're his family. He's taking our last name."
The Husband, not wanting to fight anymore, allowed his son to change his name. Then spent the night in my arms, feeling robbed of something he couldn't quite put his finger on.
When The Kid was born, The Ex lived with her parents. They refused to let the new baby have his father's name, threatening to revoke all support. After they were married, when The Kid was 2, his name was changed again to reflect the new family name. Then, when he was 9 it was changed again, back to his mother's maiden name. Talk about confusing.
Last week, The Ex changed her name on Facebook to what will be her new married name, when she gets married next year. I'm not sure why she changed it so soon. But this leaves The Kid floating in a very strange place. His mom is moving on, and quite quickly. She's already using her new name. His grandparents, who share his last name, have been going through a divorce for the past several months (I haven't blogged about this because I truly feel it is none of my business, but the fact is relevant here). He is angry at them, and hasn''t spoken to his grandfather, the patriarch, in nearly a year.
We have a fairly unusual last name. Yesterday, The Kid said to me, "There's only three of us in the whole world. Me, you and dad." He's been writing his name using his father's last name on his schoolwork. He refers to himself as The Kid Dadslastname. Although he talks about changing his name back all the time, he's scared to initiate the change. I'm guessing there's some loyalty issues there. And there's the issue of the kids at school questioning all these changes.
And The Husband is nervous to initiate the change as his ex can be batshit crazy at times. What will the backlash be? Are we going to end up back in court? Is the relative peace of the past year going to be blown away?
He's trying to just let things happen organically, but let's face it: all of these changes The Kid has been through haven't been very organic. The Husband's not sure what to do; all he does know is that he needs to do what is best for The Kid.

And, on a somewhat related note, here's a little story about the irony of the name change ordeal:
I'm certain that The Ex changed The Kid's name for two main reasons: 1.) To hurt her ex, and 2.) to ensure that everyone knew The Kid was hers and not mine (or any other partner the Then Boyfriend might acquire). Well, this past winter we went away for a few long weekends. And all the hotels asked for the name of all guests staying in the room, not just the person who made the reservation. At each and every hotel we stayed at, the concierge assumed that the child was mine and not The Husband's. Since we share a name, and he has a different last name. The same thing happened at several activities we did while away. I was always quick to correct them and dispel any awkwardness The Kid might feel. But in my head, I was saying, "Ha. Hahahahahaha! Fail!" to The Ex. (There's always a bit of gratification in seeing her best laid plans backfire...)

Sweet Little Lies

The Husband and I always said we couldn't wait until The Kid started to figure things out for himself. It sort of helped us get through the real tough times, keep our mouths shut and just be there for The Kid.
But let me tell you, I sort of wish he didn't have to figure out all the bullshit. Because watching him go through it is heartbreaking.

*****

The Kid has been dealing with a bully at school. This is a boy who is younger and much smaller than him, so it is not a physical threat. The bully is taunting him. It seems a boy The Kid had been friends with, but has since drifted away from, has become good friends with the bully. And has been gossiping about The Kid to the bully.
A few days back, Kid came home in tears. He didn't want to tell us what was wrong. He was sobbing. He eventually just told us that Bully was picking on him and so he shoved him at recess. We then talked about the best way to deal with a bully, and asked him if he wanted his parents to go talk to the principal or call the bully's parents. He didn't want parental interference just yet, but agreed to try ignoring the taunts. (The Kid gets very easily worked up and so teasing him gets a big reaction.)
I picked him up from school yesterday. I was late, because there was a road block (the floods last week really ruined our roads) and I had to go a completely different way to the school. I was freaking out, as I know he was having a rough time at school and I didn't want him to feel abandoned or stuck there. I pulled into the parking lot, and into the car bounds The Kid.
"How was school?" I asked.
"Good!"
"Really?"
"Yeah. It was good! Bully started to say something to me and I just slammed the door in his face. It didn't hit him or anything. But I just ignored him. And he left me alone. He didn't bother me for the rest of the day! Then he got beat up at recess by a bunch of girls. And Former Friend told me he only hangs out with Bully because Bully's parents are rich and take them to all sorts of cool places."
I breathed out a huge sigh of relief.
Overall, we had a good afternoon. Took the dog for walk, watched a few episodes of a show we like on Netflix, did homework, went for a bike ride. We recently (read: yesterday) gave The Kid a men's bike. I bought him a bike when he was 10 (he had never ridden a bike before!) and bike riding has become one of his favorite activities. Last week, I noticed his knees were hitting the handlebars of the kids bike, we we needed to upgrade.
The new bike is more complicated (multi-speed, sensitive brakes) and he was having a tough time getting used to it. About halfway through the bike ride he started to get really frustrated. He hopped off the bike and started kicking the shit out of it. I did not yell at him, but did tell him that it was an expensive bike and he did not need to ride it if he didn't like it but he couldn't ruin it. He mumbled an apology, jumped back on and sped home.
I knew something more than the bike was bothering him.
In the driveway, he threw down the bike and ran in the house. While I was locking the bikes up, I heard him yell at the dog and storm up to his room. I gave him a minute, then went to the bottom of the stairs. I could hear him in his room sobbing. Like, crumpled-in-a-pile-choking-on-snot sobbing.
I honestly didn't know what to do. I've never been alone with him when he's this upset. Did he want his mom? Would I make it worse? Should I leave him alone?
My instinct was just to go hug him and tell him it's okay and let him cry. I crept up the stairs and knocked on his door.
"You okay?"
A pained, "NO!" came from the pile on the floor.
I handed him a tissue and asked if he wanted to talk about it.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
But, then he did.
He told me that Bully has been teasing him about something specific. Bully has been telling all the kids at school that The Husband is a drug dealer and drug addict. He's been teasing The Kid about this and calling the kid various and sundry drug-related names. Today the figured out that Former Friend told Bully that The Kid's dad grew, sold and did drugs. Apparently Former Friend was told this "information" a few years back when he and The Kid were close and passed it on to Bully. Bully promptly jumped on the information and started taunting The Kid at recess. The Kid realized today that it was he who told Former Friend these things about his dad. He told his friend this because that was what he was told by his mother and grandparents during the year and a half he didn't see his dad.
His breakdown last night? Not because of the bike. At all. It was because he realized the enormity of the lie that he was told and its vast implications. He shoved Bully because he was sticking up for his dad. Then, he realized it was he who had passed on these "facts" about his dad (albeit when he was barely eight years old). He felt like he had betrayed his father. And, he felt betrayed by his family.
Through tears, he told me he just wanted to move away. "There's too much shit going on in my life right now. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to grow up. I want to move far away. So far away. It's just too much."
I sat on the floor with him, rubbing his back, and telling him he had every right to be angry at his family. I told him being angry at someone doesn't mean you don't love them anymore, and that he needed to experience those feelings. I told him not to feel badly about saying those things about his dad, that he was just listening to people he had always trusted, that he was a little boy then and didn't know any better. I told him dad wasn't upset that those things were said about him, because they're not true.
I told him if we grew and sold pot we would have a much nicer house and brand new cars, so obviously we aren't doing those things.
I told him all this while choking back tears of my own. I don't like to see the boy hurting.
How can those people claim that this child is the center of their lives and drive him to this? Did they really, truly think my husband was a drug dealer? Did they really, truly think they were protecting this child?
I don't know.
But I do know that watching The Kid figure out the lies, watching him realize what he has been put through for whatever reasons isn't nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be. Actually, it sucks.

Karma Strikes Again

Yesterday, I wrote about our experience with what we now know was Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). Thinking about that time in our lives still raises my blood pressure to record highs. Ugh.
Anyhow, despite the shitshow that The Husband and I were put through, we have never ever uttered a bad word about The Ex to or in front of The Kid. I clearly remember the first time someone said something not-so-nice about my mom. I was in fifth grade, and I was complaining about how annoying she was. A fellow classmate agreed, and proceeded to rattle off a list of all the things that made my mom so weird. Suddenly, I was filled with rage. How dare she talk about my mom like that?! I completely forgot about my previous rant and proceeded to throw a fifth-grade girl tantrum and not speak to that classmate for a full three weeks. This memory is so clearly burned into my head that I relive it whenever I want to grab The Kid by his shoulders and tell him to stop talking about his godforsaken mother. Despite her shortcomings in my world, she is his world. So I bite my tongue.
As does The Husband, for he knows firsthand the pain that comes with being trash-talked by the other parent.

Last week we went on a mini-vacation, a sort-of last hurrah before another school year began. We had a fantastic time swimming in the lake, racing go karts, playing vintage arcade cames and eating lots of fried seafood. During one particularly delicious dinner, I was remembering an old apartment we lived in a few years back. The Kid looked at me, confused, and asked, "You lived with Dad before last year?"
I looked back at him, just as confused, and answered, "Of course. I've lived with Dad for five years," then, jokingly, "How did you not know that?"
I looked at The Husband and then it hit me. "Oh, it's because we didn't see you for a while then I wasn't allowed in the house when you were there!" I said this with an "A-HA!" tone, not vindictive or sad.
What followed was completely unexpected. The Kid slammed down his fork, shaking the whole table, and, with a look akin to a certain big green comic book character, he near-shouted, "Because of my freakin' mother! I don't know what the hell is wrong with her and I..."
At this point, The Husband and I stopped him. We were, after all, in a restaurant. Though I know he has a lot of stuff rolling around in his head that he needs to get out, he also needs to learn appropriate times and places to vent.
We immediately changed his focus to all the fun we have now that we get to spend time together (its been three years since visitation was restored, two years since I've been allowed to see him), because really that's all that matters.
What I found incredible was that no one ever told him that it was because of his mother and a bunch of backwoods-crooked-cop-politics that he didn't get to see his dad for two years. She said his dad didn't love him anymore. The grandparents said The Husband was a bad man and couldn't be around him anymore. Yet, as he grows and begins to think for himself, he sees it all.
That breakdown was only the beginning of what I assume is going to be a very difficult teenage period for The Kid. He's beginning to figure out how he was used as a pawn, how he was brainwashed and, above all, how he was lied to. He is full of anger. He's already ripped new assholes for his mom and her parents (who they live with) at two separate dinner occasions since then, one ending in tears and an asthma attack.
I'm so sorry for him and the pain he's experiencing with the realization of what he has been put through because of petty childishness from adults. Well, one adult in particular. I'm filled with an intense sinking feeling when I reflect on what this kid has been through. But the vindictive part of me was certainly doing a victory dance. And shouting, "See! You pretentious fucks! See what you did?!! BACKFIRED!"

Moral of the story: even if no one ever tells a child why things happened as they did in a high-conflict divorce, they can feel it in their bones. They will know. They will still love you, but they will not forgot what you did.

Parental Alienation Syndrome

I found this article (published in 2000 in The American Journal of Family Therapy) last night while I was killing some time. Overall, I thought it was really interesting, especially the part where the author talks about waiting too long to take action when PAS rears it's head.

We didn't know what to do when The Ex started alienating The Husband. I guess we didn't even know there was a term for what she was doing. It all started when The Husband and I went on vacation with my parents. No cell phone service, no nothing. It was a lovely week away.
Until we got back.
Apparently, one of The Husband's friends got beat up pretty badly. He was found unconscious and brought to the hospital. They did routine bloodwork and found high levels of cocaine in his blood. When he woke up, he claimed he was with The Husband.
The Ex's father was a cop. His cop friends illegally called him to tell him of The Husband's "involvement" with this situation. The Ex leaves several scathing voicemails (while we are away and can't access them). A detective (friend of ex's father) comes to our house upon our return and harasses the shit outta The Husband. The cops stop returning phone calls. The Ex refuses to let The Husband see his son.
Yes, I realize involvement with narcotics should cause concern. But all of this false information was obtained illegally. We weren't even in town that weekend and had witnesses (and credit card charges) to prove it! The Husband's mistake? "It'll blow over, she'll get over it."
After almost three months of not seeing his son and some serious depression, we moved into a bigger house with a big yard and a nice room specifically for The Kid. The Husband calls The Ex, asks her when he can see his son. She asks him to go to the movies with him ("or hang out or something") (?), he says that is not appropriate, she tells him never to call her at work again.
Two more months pass. We go to the local parade because we know his son is marching in it. The Husband walks up the The Kid during the parade to say hi. The Kid starts crying.
The following week, The Husband gets a letter in the mail. It is from The Kid (and obviously coached) that says he would rather see his father dead ($1,000 reward) than alive ever again. He says he doesn't want to come to a house full of stupidheads (me). He says, "Dad, stop this. You are a bad father. You SUCK! I hate you and I want you to die." We still have this letter, filed away in a dark place.
The Husband cries for days. I could see the hurt eminating from his soul. He truly thinks his child hates him and gives up trying to see him. He occasionally leaves gifts for him (back to school supplies, other favorite things they used to do together) in The Ex's car with notes. (We later find out she trashes the notes and gives the gifts as if she herself picked them out.)
It took several lawyers (the first one was chummy with The Ex's cop dad and acted unethically, I got him disbarred as a result), the involvement of Child and Family Services and TWO YEARS to gain four-hour visitation once a week. The Ex gave The Kid her cell phone and told him that when his dad tried to kidnap him to call her and she would stop him. The first day the saw each other after the two year gap, she called The Kid 23 times in those four hours. When she found out they had gone for ice-cream the next town over she started screaming through the phone, hung up and called the cops to press a kidnapping charge against The Husband.
The Kid's reaction to seeing his father again for the first time? An enthusiastic thumbs-up, bounding to the car and repeatedly saying, "I really missed you dad. How've you been?"
Incredible.

There were some areas of the article that I felt were a bit forcefully written and hinge on stereotypes, but overall it was a really good insight into the problem of PAS. I didn't realize how widespread the problem was until I got involved in the stepmom blogging community (thanks gals!) and I certainly think it's amazing that The Kid doesn't let that horrible time of his life affect his love of his father. I think every stepfamily should be aware of PAS and be able to recognize the symptoms, both in ourselves and in the other parent, immediately.

The references section is also a great resource list for a number of different stepfamily issues.

Check it out.