A few weeks ago, I posted about a couple of articles I had read about modern marriage. I have my own thoughts, but I wanted to hear some feedback from you all first before I posted more.
I've never been one to support complete and total opposition. Perhaps it's my Middle Child Syndrome, but I tend to believe that the best solutions often revolve around compromise. And there is no compromise in either of these articles. It's either marry and stay married no matter what (Flanagan) or don't marry ever it's a waste of time (Loh).
Now, obviously since I just got married, I don't think marriage is such a bad idea. However, I also don't think marriage is for everyone.
In many ways, I am a traditionalist like Flanagan. I do think too many people give up on marriage because it's so easy to give up. There's no stigma attached to divorcees anymore. In fact, I might go so far as to say it's trendy to be a divorcee.
Loh never wanted to get married and never wanted to have kids. She spells it out on paper in her essay. But, for many reasons, she sort of fell into it. She never really wanted children, but she ended up with two. Of course, if marriage is something you never really wanted, you're bound to feel trapped and wonder what your life could have been.
The Husband and I, sure we love each other. We have common interests, dreams and goals. But the biggest reason we got married is because we felt that we make a good team. To each other, we are, as Flanagan says, "the one reliable shelter in an uncaring world."
All of your comments on this seem to mirror my thoughts.
stepalicious said: My Hubby and I go through times that we just don't like each other. We are kind of in one right now. BUT...we always respect and love each other. I can't imagine life without him. AND...hopefully...he can't imagine life without me!
Many other commenters agree that the missing main ingredient in many of today's marriages is RESPECT. Whatever happens, we must treat each other with mutual respect in order to solve our problems and make it through to another day. This is what makes a happy marriage.
No one is happy all of the time and some people are never happy. Life of a Stepmama asks: Is it because people are relying on others to make them happy, instead of finding it within themselves? I think so. Too many people expect their husbands or wives to be the cure-all to life's difficulties. If only we are married, we can attain The American Dream and everything will be okay. >insert gameshow-like buzzer sound< This is why some are married 3, 4 or 5 times.
kate thinks: Our society seems to be becoming more and more of a disposable society, and I feel marriage gets viewed that way too.
I do think people quit too easily.....in everything. I don't think this is a good thing, especially not with marriage (except in cases of abuse etc., and that's not quitting, that's courage in my book) because when we marry someone, we promise to be there despite job losses, major life changes, ups, downs and everything in between. A promise is a promise, and I don't know about you but I wasn't standing there with my fingers crossed.
Despite my flamingly liberal tendencies (and my gratefulness for everything that modern times have to offer me), I tend to agree with f8hasit: maybe I was born in the wrong era.
One point I do want to do more research on though, was Loh's claim that after we have kids with a man, there is no reason to be attracted to each other. Does anyone know of any scientific evidence to back this up?
7 comments:
I agree. In January this year my husband and I separated. Our relationship was horrendous and had been for ages. My husband was adamant that it was over and we were both at our wits end. But I believe in our marriage and swallowed my pride and asked him to stay so we could try and get past it. Within a month we were back to being totally happy and to be honest, I think we're both happier now than we've ever been. Hubby now can't believe he ever thought about leaving. It just goes to show that even when you think you have nothing else left, if you hang on in there, it can work and you can be happy again. I think too many people just give up to soon.
Thanks for rekindling this topic. I tend to walk that fine line between a traditionalist who believes in the committment of marriage but also understands that not everyone can make it work. I agree that divorce has become normalized to the point where no one thinks it's a big deal anymore and it's just a matter of going to court and filling in the paperwork. At the same time, I am leary of the far, far right that would tell women and men to stay in marriages because God doesn't like divorce and society will hate you. Those kinds of absolutes are just not helpful.
I can't imagine my life without my husband but we do have to work at it. It is naive to think otherwise. Thanks LBM for writing about your experience too.
I am glad you finally posted this follow-up. I was wondering if you had forgotten!
I guess we can speculate all day long about WHY marriages fail, but when it comes down to it, every couple is different. Over the past decade, my marriage has gone through some very rough patches that involved infidelity, but thankfully we came to our senses, confessed, forgave, and worked through it. We realized that we're not perfect people and we are going to make mistakes. Not necessarily because we lacked respect for one another. Life is full of tests and temptation, and sometimes we just FAIL.
Fortunately, we both realized what was important to us and fought to save it. The good thing that came out of it was truly open and honest communication about our feelings and needs, without fear of judgment. Now things are better than ever, and I think we can make it through hell or high water.
Wow! My comment was quoted! Thanks!
I don't have any scientific details or research on your subject, but do know from observation that there are basically a few 'types' out there.
1. The man the feels the need to reproduce and moves from partner to partner in order to do so. (i.e. Kevin Frederline)
2. The man that reproduces and then is no longer attracted to his mate because she is now the mother of his children. (i.e. saint/whore syndrome)
3. The family man that is proud papa and stays with his family and wife. (i.e. My neighbors)
4. The man that leaves his mate because he doesn't want to reproduce and then goes to the next one and does exactly what he said he wasn't going to... (i.e. Lance Armstrong)
or the one I was married to:
5. The man that he left me for another because after the baby he felt he wasn't getting enough attention.
Aargh.
Please.
There are a gazillion! I hope you got #3!
Thanks for the shout out!
:-)
Like f8hasit, my first husband left (after 19 years) because he "needed to be with someone less powerful."
What the hec does that mean exactly? Well, if you're married to a man with Narcississtic Personality Disorder (my ex was diagnosed with it), it means that when you (the wife) stand in your power they (the husband) feels even more shrivled up, tiny, insignifianct and in my ex' words, "I felt like a lost, lonely little boy who didn't want to be left behind." He's the one who left...to be with someone less powerful.
And quite frankly, it was the best gift I ever received. Four years later, my first boyfriend from high school "found" me on classmates.com - we were both single, happily divorced, and 5 months after we re-met, we got married. Not only are we crazy about each other, but we make one helluva team!
I completely agree and I am a divorcee, I can promise you it was not because I was trying to be trendy (I was never good at that) it was because I married the guy I thought fit into my box, made my family happy and focused on everyone else's needs but my own. I think part of me liked that I could win every argument, he was very romantic and treated me like a queen. Except when it came to really needing support or someone to count on. He would let me down every time but then he would make a romantic dinner and make all sorts of new promises with no follow through. I met him in college, we met on a blind date, we had the perfect story, he was cute, a high school football coach, came from a decent family, had goals and I thought wow this will be easy. On paper we looked really good together. Truth be told we had little in common, lacked mutual respect, and there was no lust! It was terrible. It took me all the courage I had to realize this was never going to change. That I married someone hoping to change him but you cannot do that, people are who they are and I was naive to think I could change that.
I knew he would be so much happier with someone else and I hoped I could find someone better suited for me. I am all about sticking things out, finishing whatever I start but for the first time in my life I had to recognize the mistake I had made and correct it. No matter how hard it was, no matter how many friends I lost, or how many people judged me, I had to do it and I will never make that mistake again.
People are not perfect, we all make mistakes and I was one of those people that thought marriage was easy. Boy was I wrong. It takes so much work, and effort and both parties have to be willing to stick it out while having love and respect for each other.
I am definitely more old fashioned and I think that’s why I had such a hard time dating someone with a child. I am pushing myself to break the norm, and figure out what it is I really want instead of what I think everyone else in my life wants for me.
It has been a huge growing experience for me.
Thanks everyone for your stories! Truly incredible, every one of you. It's really great to know that the women I go to for advice are some damn strong women.
I really appreciated everyone's involvement in this subject...I think it's really fascinating.
Erin at Erin Experiment is debating something very similar right now on her blog.
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