I do.
Three to four months ago, The Kid started having trouble sleeping.
Three to four months ago coincides with the time a bunch of bullshit started going down at his other house. Bullshit that I won't blog about, at least not at this point. He's not in any danger, he's just facing more stress than a 12-year-old child of divorce should have to face.
Anyhow, he hasn't been sleeping - at our house or his other house. Once it gets dark, he's constantly asking, "What time is it?" to be sure it's not close to bed time. When he finally goes upstairs to his room, he's restless and anxious.
We've tried letting him watch a movie in his room.
We've tried making him read at bedtime.
We've tried warm milk.
We've tried melatonin.
We have a white noise machine.
We've cut out caffeine and sugar after a certain time.
We rearranged his room.
We've tried a gentle approach.
We've tried a tough approach.
We've tried getting him out to be more active (walks, biking, swimming) to burn off some energy.
It seems that no matter what we do he will not sleep, and this causes him great anxiety. Which means at 2am, or 3am, or 4am he comes into our room and announces, "HEY GUYS I CAN'T SLEEP." Which does nothing, really, besides wake us up.
I know insomnia is relatively common in teenagers. I think his case is exacerbated by the facts that 1.) he is not doing camp or other scheduled activities this summer and 2.) when he doesn't sleep at night he is allowed to crash until noon or 1pm the next day. He has no routine whatsoever. Oh, and his other home life is a bit of an emotional train wreck right now.
I also think he may be slightly addicted to video games. Playing xBox is one thing he and his dad have always done together. The moment he walks into our house he turns on the console and starts playing. He pauses it for dinner, but refuses to join us at the table until he's at a place he can pause the game. He doesn't hear anything anyone says to him while playing games unless you stand in front of the TV and shout. After a long night of not sleeping, he's often downstairs by 5:30 or 6 am to play more games. He doesn't have an xBox at his other house (but he does have PlayStation) and he doesn't get to spend a ton of time with us, so I understand why he wants to play as much as possible while he's with us. But I'm wondering if the gaming has anything to do with the sleeplessness.
We've thought about eliminating video games for a month and doing things like chess, board games, movies etc. instead but The Husband is worried about the backlash and the fact the The Kid will feel like he's being punished (for nothing).
He sleeps better at our house than he does at his other house, but he's still not sleeping normally.
I have NO experience in this, as my siblings and I were all (and still are) very regular sleepers and any children I've ever cared for have had regular routines as well.
I need some help.
Has anyone ever faced this problem before? What else should we try to get him to sleep?
I know school starts in two weeks and, by default, he'll have more of a routine. But he gets so stressed about bedtime and sleeping that he literally makes himself sick. We're frustrated and exhausted, and it's causing a lot of tension in the house (mainly between The Husband and The Kid).
Any ideas or suggestions will be greatly appreciated!
20 comments:
Wow that is really tough. I do not have any experience in this but it sounds terrible. I never had a problem sleeping as a child either. Sounds like he has a lot going on and maybe the only thing that can be done is eliminate his stress as much as possible which sounds like that is not very possible. What a mess! Have you been able to find any book on this? Maybe talk to a therapist and see if they have any insight?
Do you let him sleep in or are you waking him up early and making him do things throughout the day to help him be ready to go to sleep later.
Tough call, I wish you luck! I know I could not function well if I was not getting sleep!
Do you let him sleep in or are you waking him up early and making him do things throughout the day to help him be ready to go to sleep later.
Tough call, I wish you luck! I know I could not function well if I was not getting sleep!
Part of this is a teenage thing. Both my girls had issues not sleeping at night - my younger daughter moreso.
Junior also has issues with not sleeping - more at his mom's than at home. But he's always had problems sleeping (according to DH)
I opted for Less TV and No computer games and MORE physical exercise, PLUS a routine at night that DH insists upon.
xxoo
I'd eliminate the sleeping till 1 pm. A couple days of that and it may force him into a routine.
I have terrible insomnia since my layoff in May 2008 and if I get up in the middle of the night, I read or play a mindless video game, but force myself to get up when my alarm goes off. Eventually, I get 3 or 4 nights of normal sleep before the insomnia rears its head.
I just found your blog and I'm going to add it to my stepmom daily reading! I just started one myself, check it out if you get time : )
ourlivesinbloom.blogspot.com
Video games can act like a brain stimulant. You could try cutting back on them to 1 hour a day...or something like that. But that doesn't really solve anything unless his mother does the same thing at her house.
He needs a routine. In bed by 10pm; awake by 10am. Or something like that.
New rule: "If you can't sleep, stay in your room. Read a book. Count sheep. Do anything as long as it's quiet.
Just my 2 cents.
Hi EWO
I have no real experience of this but one thing I WOULD say is to tell him NOT to wake you both up when he can't sleep. He's old enough to occupy himself and not wake you. I know its a difficult problem for him but he can read until he feels he can go back to sleep again.
I feel for him but I feel for you to. And 1 person not sleeping is better than 3 people not sleeping.
You guys need your sleep to. I would suggest that you ask him to read or listen to music on a personal stereo or play a handheld computer game or SOMETHING, until he goes back to sleep.
Remember to look after yourselves.
LBM xxx
Hi there,
I actually have experienced this exact same problem with my stepdaughter when she was 11 years old. She went through a period of extreme anxiety around bedtime, having trouble falling to sleep and then waking up due to nightmares and calling put for us in the middle of the night (too afraid to leave her bed) sometimes 2 or 3 times a night. We ended up reading to her until she fell asleep or just staying with her in her room until she felt calm again, which could take up to an hour - obviously this was not solving the problem and not helping anyone!
Eventually, at the instigation of her Mom who I get on well with, we took her to see a child therapist. She has seen a therapist on and off since she was about 4 as she has ADHD and anxiety issues and is on medication for both.
What we learnt was that we were doing my SD absolutely NO favors by sitting up with her every night (and her Mom used to let her climb into her bed at her house) as it wasn't solving the problem, only extending it, as the attention was what she craved and what she told herself she 'needed', the ONLY thing that worked for her....
So what we had to do was teach her good sleep hygiene (this is how a lot of professionals refer to the sleep routine etc, a google search for the terms 'sleep hygiene children' should come up with lots of useful sites.)
We had to make sure we followed the exact same routine every night, usually a warm bath and a very definite winding up of the day - reading to her or with her in her bedroom for 15 mins before bed. The other part of the 'treatment' was down to my SD, she had to learn to self-soothe (read or draw in her room for 20 mins before consciously trying to get back to sleep.) She was NOT allowed to wake us up if she just couldn't sleep, but could shout for us if she had a nightmare and was genuinely afraid. Then I would go and check on her, talk about ways to get rid of the nightmare images (change the ending to a funny one, like throwing a custard pie in the zombies face etc!) then when she felt better (no longer than 5 mins or so) she had to walk me to her bedroom door and give me a hug there to say goodbye (making her responsible for her space, her bedroom)
It took a fair while for things to change (about 2-3 months) and progress wasn't helped by her Mom sometimes just giving in and letting her sleep in her bed again! BUT it DID work and the only way it worked for us was a CONSISTENT approach, I can't stress that enough - consistency and routine are the key
Plus video games before bed are NOT a good idea, nor is exercise right before bed, but an hour or two before bed. Try to create a relaxed atmosphere and don't let on that it's becoming an area of stress for you - just a puzzle that you want to help him solve as it were
Sorry to go on so much, but your post struck such a chord that I simply HAD to comment!!
Good luck, stay strong and you'll succeed :-)
This looks like a good site on initial inspection and it has a section for pre-teens/teens
http://www.familysleep.com/sleep-news.html
I am an active gamer. i would not limit the gaming, but I would limit the gaming after X before his bedtime time.
That could help. I would also see if there is any caffine being consumed in there that you might not be aware of.
IPG
Thank you all for your tips! We will be trying them out ASAP. Last night was terrible .
We've tried telling him NOT to wake us up because we can't do anything for him but he woke us up at least 6 times simply to tell us he can't sleep. Then The Husband would get angry and yell at him (which I don't think is the best approach, but alas...). We turned off games at 10 (he goes to bed at midnight). No snacks of any kind after 8.
Someone also suggested lavender body wash/candles to relax him at bedtime.
It's to the point now where The Husband doesn't want him over during the week because he can't work the next day on no sleep.
Rachel, I showed your comment to my husband and he said that makes A LOT of sense. He's going to try to work something out with The Ex, however I sense this may be difficult because the lines of communication aren't exactly, erm, open.
Thanks again for all the suggestions - I'll keep ya posted.
Can I ask why he's going to bed at midnight? Seems a little on the late side......
Whatever you try, stick with it - try not to change approaches from one thing one night to another thing next night - it might seem like the routine isn't working at first, but consistency is the only way he's going to learn that this is how it works at your house!
Good luck, those sleepless nights sure do suck!!
The video games might be overstimulating. I've read that any type of activity like that before bed can be a trigger for insomnia. Even reading a really good book before bed can be too stimulating for me sometimes. I know teens have weird sleep patterns to begin with and it sounds like he has had some really unnecessary stress lately. Maybe the school routine will make a difference. What I can say for sure is "Take care of yourself first". That is really, really important and I'm always happy to remind all my stepmom sista's of that. Hang in there.
My 15 year old has a 10pm bedtime. Midnight seems kinda late to me. Teenagers need 8-10 hours of sleep to be able to function at school.
My stepson's therapist prescribed trazodone to help him with anxiety, and it also helped him sleep better. I am only suggesting this as a last resort, if nothing else works. Rachel had some great ideas.
Is it wrong that I'm sleepy now? Poor kid. Thankfully, I've never had that problem. I can sleep anywhere, any time. I feel for him... and you!
I think you're right about the routine. I know you really want him to get enough sleep and he needs sleep, but you may consider waking him in the am instead of letting him sleep until noon.
No games unless you are up and dressed by (whatever time makes sense - 8:30 / 9:00?)
I agree with those who said to exercise 2 hours before dinner and stop gamming well before dinner.
Eating together is important and may be more calming than playing the game.
If the suggestions don't work, consider having a check up with his pediatrician or even just a quick call to his MD for advice.
Good luck!!!
I've got a really great finance textbook that puts me to sleep every time, you can borrow it if you'd like...haha!
I'm concerned that he starts to ask what time it is and seems anxious about going to bed. It seems like more than just insomnia if he is almost dreading going to bed. Has he talked about his feelings about it? Or just says he can't sleep?
That's a good point about the anxiety - we had quite obvious signs that she was having nightmares so that's what we tried to tackle. It might take a while for him to open up, but I agree with Smirking Cat that it's best to try to get him to talk about his problems and feelings - reassuring him that you won't think anything he says is silly, you will take him seriously and try to help him.
You won't solve this problem overnight but if you stick at it I promise you will be able to make all your lives easier, you are obviously committed to helping him, good luck again!
Well The Kid called yesterday and said he doesn't want to sleep over anymore because of the sleep thing. Then he called this morning and asked what time we're picking him up. And so teenagerdom starts!
MS, I agree midnight is late but I don't really have a say in his bedtime. Or wake up time, for that matter. When he stays at our house he is awake by 8 (husband has to take him home so he can go to work), but at his mom's he sleeps until he wakes up. The inconsistency is at the heart of the matter, I'm sure. The Husband tried to talk to her about it and she basically said he doesn't know anything about raising a kid so she wasn't going to listen to him. Ugh! Looks like we're going nowhere until everyone is willing to work together.
I'm with Smirking Cat, the asking about times and worrying about bedtime seems more of a worry than him not sleeping. Seems that he's worrying himself into not sleeping. As for midnight bedtimes and sleeping till noon- I have 2 teens at home that would gladly wish school away to stay on that type of schedule. My pediatrician recommended melatonin to the tune of up to 3 a night (he told us to start with 1 and if that didn't work try 2 the next night but that we could go up to 3) taken 2 hours before bedtime. As melatonin is something your body produces naturally, it's non-narcotic and non addictive. But, staying up late and sleeping 1/2 the day is something that all of my teens have gone thru.
He is plenty old enough to understand that he cannot wake you up as you have work in the morning. He needs to quietly watch tv or read or anything quiet when he is having trouble sleeping. You could take the video games away for failing to follow that rule couldn't you? I always tell mine that if they wake me up in the middle of the night- I wake them up way before they like to see daylight. ; ) Good luck!
Oh, this is tough EWO. As an insomniac myself when I am stressed, I know the whole bedtime fear - staying up as late as possible because I fear tossing and turning and lying awake. It's causing issues between me and DP at the mo.
Valerian is a natural herb that could be used to help him relax. It's calming as well so will help with the anxiety. He has really got to stop waking you guys up though!
Maybe you could give him a sleep journal - when he wakes up he writes in it, how he feels, what he's thinking about when he's awake - he can write it all down and show you guys later rather than waking you up. I know from the whole middle of the night waking and being unable to sleep again myself that there is NOTHING you can do when this happens, so maybe he just needs to learn to read, listen to his ipod or write or draw or something when it happens - learn to manage it himself, in other words.
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