I think I told you The Ex is engaged. Did I tell you? After 4 months of dating this guy, they were engaged. He's never been married before, he has no baggage. He seems like a nice guy and The Kid really likes him. I'm glad The Kid likes him. But a teensy part of me wishes she would marry someone with a psycho ex and kids and baggage...just so she could see what it's like. Then I smarten up and realize if she is happy then she will be her best for The Kid, and that's a good thing.
I'm not at all bothered that she's engaged. But the selfish part of me is bothered at other things. When I really look hard at it, it looks a bit like jealousy. Which I'm a tad embarrassed to admit.
It's just that sometimes, I wonder where karma is.
Do any of you watch the show My Name is Earl? I've been catching up on it via DVD; it's actually really a positive show with a good message. There's this one episode in Season 3 called "Bad Earl" in which Earl believes his good deeds are getting him nowhere and reverts back to his old ways. Well, I feel like Bad Earl lately. As I look back at my six years of sacrificing and keeping my mouth shut, I am glad truly that I've taken the high road. But the Bad Earl in me just wants to shake The Kid by his shoulders and tell him all the horrible things his mom did.
Then I want to walk up to her and punch her teeth in. Repeatedly.
Then I want to sit down with Future Stepdad and let him know what the love of his life did to someone she once pledged her life to.
Then I want to pack up and move across the country and forget this mess.
Future Stepdad and The Ex are having a big fancy wedding. This is not something I ever wanted, but I'm sick to death of her telling The Kid that their wedding will be a real wedding and ours wasn't. Because our wedding was outdoors, and the ceremony was performed by my brother and not a real priest. And it was on a Sunday, which is not the right day for weddings. *Sigh.* Guess who's getting married two weeks to the day before our wedding? On a Sunday. In an outdoor ceremony. Bad Earl hopes it rains and ruins the day.
Future Stepdad and The Ex are buying a house. They are telling The Kid they are better than us because we just rent. (I find this somewhat hilarious because currently The Ex lives in her mother's basement rent free and has for nearly 8 years...maybe that's why she has all this money saved up to buy a house??) Bad Earl hopes the basement floods. Or they get termites.
Future Stepdad and The Ex are planning to try for a baby immediately after their marriage. I always thought The Husband and I would have kids first, y'know, because we've been together so much longer. I've actually been bitten by the baby bug pretty badly recently (more on that tomorrow), and the only reason we're not growing our family now is because my husband doesn't have a job. Why do they get to have a baby? Bad Earl hopes they can't (and I realize that is a horrible thought, but I've thought it.)
Why do I care about these things?
I NEVER wanted a big wedding; I always believed that those who will support us through the toughest times in our life are those who should be there and so there were 13 people at our wedding. And I loved every minute of it. No, we didn't get any presents, nor any money. I paid for the whole shindig myself. But we got the promised support of those closest to us no matter what comes. And that is priceless.
I'm 11 years younger than Future Stepdad, 8 years younger than The Ex, and I'm the sole financial support for our family right now. Who cares if they can buy a house?!! Maybe in 11 years I will be able to also. My career is going great, I'm the youngest in my field in my state, in an organization with a renowned reputation partially based on my work. I'll get there.
I don't believe having new children while adjusting to marriage is wise, if avoidable. Even though The Husband and I lived together for 5 years before we married, being married was still one hell of an adjustment. The Ex and Future Stepdad don't live together, save the three to five nights a week they spend alone at one-or-the-others place when we have The Kid. They've never lived together. AND they've only been dating 8 months. In addition to the major marriage and stepfamily adjustment, they are going to throw a baby in the mix? Yikes. Who cares if they have a baby? Really, who cares?
Who cares about any of these things? When I spell it out in black-and-white, I can't see any reason why I'm bothered by these silly things. I am making the best decisions for my life, and that should be all that matters. Like Earl, I know karma will give me what I deserve, and all others will get what they deserve, in due time. Right now, I'm just working through these feelings.
I know, deep down, that my rewards will come if I continue to hold fast. I just don't understand the way the Universe works sometimes...why does it seem that bad people never get theirs?
11 comments:
I think it's only natural to have these feelings and I also think it is great that you admit to them and that you have a place you can do that. You are healthy!
I've had all the same feelings about BM at one time or another. The grass sometimes seems greener for other people, but if you could walk a mile in their shoes, you would wish for your old life back in a second.
Have you ever thought that getting married to each other *IS* their bad thing? Sadly, Future Stepdad probably won't figure that out until well after he's said "I do" and The Ex is knocked up.
You just keep making the best choices for YOUR life and karma will take care of itself. :)
I TOTALLY understand how you're feeling!! I have always wondered why BM can consistently emotionally terrorize her children (and us for that matter!) and ALWAYS get away with it. She NEVER has to "pay" for the grief she causes everybody. IT SUCKS!!!
This post really hit home. I completely understand everything you're saying here and have felt the same way one time or another. I try to bad earl at bay but sometimes it's hard to push those thoughts aside.
Rewards will come your way soon.
I totally know how you feel. As far as BM continuously saying how you didn't have a real wedding ect... I would guess the Kid is the one telling you she is saying this stuff. I would say "What do you think?" and tell him what is important is that you guys loved each other, and there is no right or wrong way to show that.
Hubby and I just had our 2 years anniversary last week, and have been together 7 years. We were supposed to start trying this month, but are in the same boat as you. My hubby lost his job. Sometimes I wish I could go and just be irresponsible, and do whatever I wanted. But like you, I can't. Having a baby right now isn't the right thing to do. Everything will happen when it is meant to. Don't let her situation get you down. After all, you never know what is going on behind closed doors.
All I can tell you is:
Karma will come back one day and bite her in the tail. Or maybe Karma will be their marriage. They really don't know each other all that well. Living together with a teen may not be all that they expect.
Karma always wins in the end.
Oh, I know how you feel. All of it. I understand loving your choices, but being uneasy about them just because someone is telling you that their way is better. You know in your heart that what you did was right for you, but when that little seed of doubt gets in your head it's hard to remove.
I get everything you wrote. Fact is, I've got quite a bit of Bad Earl in me as well...
I think we all do to a certain extent. But trust me, from experience I've learned that all things DO go around. That whole what goes around comes around? Yeah, it does. Sometimes not fast enough for Bad Earl, but we're better than that.
And it DOES show. Really.
:-)
I can completely relate to this situation, and I know how bad it sucks! I've had quite a few of my own Bad Earl moments with The Wicked Witch.
The universe does work in myserious ways, and it's hard not to question. Especially in situations like these.
Hang in there - good things will come your way! :)
Not only will bad things come around in their turn, but they are ALREADY around.
The karma I can believe in is that miserable people do shitty things because they ARE miserable. Or jealous, or threatened and insecure, or whatever.
So she's already got her karma. If she felt so great about herself and was so happy and confident, why would she feel the need to dis someone else's wedding? To a child?! The ultimate captive audience! That's just sad... and so must she be.
Looking in from the outside, I'd take your life and your marriage over hers if I was ever forced to choose.
But I'm more than happy for you to keep them in the meantime! ;-)
I wonder about Karma a lot too and when is it going to go my way and bite the other in the behind? I try not to think about it too much, but sometimes I just can't stop.
Keep doing what you are doing, because one day things will all work out for the best and you will look back and be glad at how you handled things.
Oh...and I've had the baby bug lately too. Something in the air? Water?
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