The Husband and I always said we couldn't wait until The Kid started to figure things out for himself. It sort of helped us get through the real tough times, keep our mouths shut and just be there for The Kid.
But let me tell you, I sort of wish he didn't have to figure out all the bullshit. Because watching him go through it is heartbreaking.
*****
The Kid has been dealing with a bully at school. This is a boy who is younger and much smaller than him, so it is not a physical threat. The bully is taunting him. It seems a boy The Kid had been friends with, but has since drifted away from, has become good friends with the bully. And has been gossiping about The Kid to the bully.
A few days back, Kid came home in tears. He didn't want to tell us what was wrong. He was sobbing. He eventually just told us that Bully was picking on him and so he shoved him at recess. We then talked about the best way to deal with a bully, and asked him if he wanted his parents to go talk to the principal or call the bully's parents. He didn't want parental interference just yet, but agreed to try ignoring the taunts. (The Kid gets very easily worked up and so teasing him gets a big reaction.)
I picked him up from school yesterday. I was late, because there was a road block (the floods last week really ruined our roads) and I had to go a completely different way to the school. I was freaking out, as I know he was having a rough time at school and I didn't want him to feel abandoned or stuck there. I pulled into the parking lot, and into the car bounds The Kid.
"How was school?" I asked.
"Good!"
"Really?"
"Yeah. It was good! Bully started to say something to me and I just slammed the door in his face. It didn't hit him or anything. But I just ignored him. And he left me alone. He didn't bother me for the rest of the day! Then he got beat up at recess by a bunch of girls. And Former Friend told me he only hangs out with Bully because Bully's parents are rich and take them to all sorts of cool places."
I breathed out a huge sigh of relief.
Overall, we had a good afternoon. Took the dog for walk, watched a few episodes of a show we like on Netflix, did homework, went for a bike ride. We recently (read: yesterday) gave The Kid a men's bike. I bought him a bike when he was 10 (he had never ridden a bike before!) and bike riding has become one of his favorite activities. Last week, I noticed his knees were hitting the handlebars of the kids bike, we we needed to upgrade.
The new bike is more complicated (multi-speed, sensitive brakes) and he was having a tough time getting used to it. About halfway through the bike ride he started to get really frustrated. He hopped off the bike and started kicking the shit out of it. I did not yell at him, but did tell him that it was an expensive bike and he did not need to ride it if he didn't like it but he couldn't ruin it. He mumbled an apology, jumped back on and sped home.
I knew something more than the bike was bothering him.
In the driveway, he threw down the bike and ran in the house. While I was locking the bikes up, I heard him yell at the dog and storm up to his room. I gave him a minute, then went to the bottom of the stairs. I could hear him in his room sobbing. Like, crumpled-in-a-pile-choking-on-snot sobbing.
I honestly didn't know what to do. I've never been alone with him when he's this upset. Did he want his mom? Would I make it worse? Should I leave him alone?
My instinct was just to go hug him and tell him it's okay and let him cry. I crept up the stairs and knocked on his door.
"You okay?"
A pained, "NO!" came from the pile on the floor.
I handed him a tissue and asked if he wanted to talk about it.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
But, then he did.
He told me that Bully has been teasing him about something specific. Bully has been telling all the kids at school that The Husband is a drug dealer and drug addict. He's been teasing The Kid about this and calling the kid various and sundry drug-related names. Today the figured out that Former Friend told Bully that The Kid's dad grew, sold and did drugs. Apparently Former Friend was told this "information" a few years back when he and The Kid were close and passed it on to Bully. Bully promptly jumped on the information and started taunting The Kid at recess. The Kid realized today that it was he who told Former Friend these things about his dad. He told his friend this because that was what he was told by his mother and grandparents during the year and a half he didn't see his dad.
His breakdown last night? Not because of the bike. At all. It was because he realized the enormity of the lie that he was told and its vast implications. He shoved Bully because he was sticking up for his dad. Then, he realized it was he who had passed on these "facts" about his dad (albeit when he was barely eight years old). He felt like he had betrayed his father. And, he felt betrayed by his family.
Through tears, he told me he just wanted to move away. "There's too much shit going on in my life right now. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to grow up. I want to move far away. So far away. It's just too much."
I sat on the floor with him, rubbing his back, and telling him he had every right to be angry at his family. I told him being angry at someone doesn't mean you don't love them anymore, and that he needed to experience those feelings. I told him not to feel badly about saying those things about his dad, that he was just listening to people he had always trusted, that he was a little boy then and didn't know any better. I told him dad wasn't upset that those things were said about him, because they're not true.
I told him if we grew and sold pot we would have a much nicer house and brand new cars, so obviously we aren't doing those things.
I told him all this while choking back tears of my own. I don't like to see the boy hurting.
How can those people claim that this child is the center of their lives and drive him to this? Did they really, truly think my husband was a drug dealer? Did they really, truly think they were protecting this child?
I don't know.
But I do know that watching The Kid figure out the lies, watching him realize what he has been put through for whatever reasons isn't nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be. Actually, it sucks.
10 comments:
I am sure the Kid must feel so bad, but I hope he stops blaming himself, he is only 8. And even if his father was a drug dealer, who tells that to an 8 year old? I am sure it is very difficult to watch him come to these realizations, but at least he has you and his Dad there to support him and help him through the bad times.
He really is lucky to have someone like you there for both him and his Dad. I know it must have been hurting you tremendously to see him crying but the things you said to him were so lovely and calm and just right. I think every kid needs someone in their life that can be as sensitive and compassionate as you were in his tough time of need. Lying sucks, all around. And once a lie is out there, sometimes it's ripple effect can go on for years. - G
That's so sad, but you handled it very well. Is his dad going to have a meeting with the principal and/or other parents? I hope you can get the bully stopped, since it's causing him so much grief.
Poor kid.. and sad for you too..
While it's good he's discovering some of these things, it's tough to watch them sort it out..
I would talk to the school to be sure they are aware of the previous false allegations & to put a stop to the bullying..
Wow this was quite the reality check for me - I too am waiting for the day when my step-kids figure out what a loser their mom is. But it's no fun for anyone... they still end up getting hurt.
That is so hard to go through. I am so sorry. We are still a few years away from that with Punky, but I can only imagine the backlash when she figures out what a wench her biomom has always been to her. I still look forward to that day, but just reading this, I think maybe I shouldn't.
But, UGH! Biomom is a real piece of work.
I'm so sorry The Kid is going through this. He's very lucky to have you. You've been dealing with it amazingly.
Oh, man. How awful for The Kid.
Sorry to hear The Kid is having a hard time. Why must kids be so cruel. It's a shame that parents feel the need to lie to their children. Were they never taught as children themselves that eventually the truth will come out? If they hadn't told such lies, The Kid probably wouldn't be dealing with this bully right now. You handle these situations with a lot of grace and compassion!!
He is so lucky to have you and his dad in his life, that is terrible he is having to go through this. Life at that age isn't easy to begin with and then add family drama and it is 10 times worse. My heart goes out to him, you did such an amazing job. You were so honest with him and made him understand that his feelings were ok, that is huge for him. I hope if I ever go through this with the son I can handle it as well as you did. So glad you are back!
What a fabulous life lesson The Kid has learned. Was it the hard way? Sure was - but look at all the life lessons you've had to learn, too. How hard were they? He'll never forget this - he knows now that his word can create beauty and his word can destroy everything around him.
Sounds like he's ready to read a book called, "The Four Agreements."
One of the better books out there.
(and if you want to come spend a day in Concord, NH I'm teaching a seminar on it with a little yoga and reiki in August)
xo
Peggy
Post a Comment