The gym was really crowded yesterday. I couldn't even find a place to lay down my mat in the stretch room after my run. So...off to the elliptical trainer with a magazine I went. I admit it: I use overly-crowded gym situations to catch up on trash magazines. I have a degree in media literacy, so I justify this habit by calling it "research" - the sexual nature of alcohol advertisements, objectification of women, propaganda etc.
Yesterday, though, a recent issue of Time caught my eye. On it's cover was a melting wedding cake with the headline "Unfaithfully Yours." I love reading books, articles and essays about the social construction of marriage. I always have, even before I was married. Even before I thought I would ever get married. I think it's a fascinating topic.
The essay, by Caitlin Flanagan, explores the recent bout of infidelity among politicians and the tedious state of "the intact, two-parent family." Read it here. I was so entralled that I swiped the magazine with all intentions of discussing it here.
Clearing up from dinner later in the evening, I was listening to On Point with Tom Ashbrook and, low and behold, he was discussing marriage with...wait for it...Caitlin Flanagan of the very magazine I had just stolen! She was providing the counterpoint to her friend and comedian Sandra Tsing Loh, who is getting a divorce after twenty years of marriage.
As a newly (and first-time) married woman married to a divorced man, the two perspectives were particularly interesting to me.
The main question Flanagan asks is this:
What is the purpose of marriage? Is it - given the
game-changing realities of birth control, female
equality and the fact that motherhood outside of
marriage is no longer stigmatized - simply an
institution that has the capacity to increase the pleasure
of adults who enter into it?...Or is marriage an institution
that still hews to its old intention and function - to raise the
next generation, to protect and teach it, to instill in it the
habits of conduct and character that will ensure the
generation's own safe passage into adulthood?
She clearly believes that our society must revalue a lasting first-and-only marriage, as its collapse is causing more "measurable hardship and human misery" than any other force.
Loh, on the other hand, wrote an essay in The Atlantic called "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off." Her case: avoid marriage because love is fleeting and divorce is a pain in the ass.
game-changing realities of birth control, female
equality and the fact that motherhood outside of
marriage is no longer stigmatized - simply an
institution that has the capacity to increase the pleasure
of adults who enter into it?...Or is marriage an institution
that still hews to its old intention and function - to raise the
next generation, to protect and teach it, to instill in it the
habits of conduct and character that will ensure the
generation's own safe passage into adulthood?
She clearly believes that our society must revalue a lasting first-and-only marriage, as its collapse is causing more "measurable hardship and human misery" than any other force.
Loh, on the other hand, wrote an essay in The Atlantic called "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off." Her case: avoid marriage because love is fleeting and divorce is a pain in the ass.
Thoughts?
I will post my own thoughts on this, but I wanted to hear what you all had to say first.
12 comments:
Hey, first time reader...I actually read the Sandra Loh article and read some discussion of it over at http://scribe.doublex.com/
Both Loh and Flanagan have such opposite points of view that I would have a hard time with either. (And by points of view, I might even disagree with one of them politically.) Anyway, I'm going to read the link to Flanagan's article and say thanks!
Very intersting post, makes you think. I read the article and it saddens me. I come from parents who have been married 35 years and seem happy. Actually they seem more happy now then they did while I was growing up. Being divorced myself I still believe in marriage. I do not want to be divorced again. I hate to think marriages can no longer survive in our day and age. How can this be fixed?
Is it because poeple are relying on others to make them happy, instead of finding it within themsleves? I don't know. Really makes you think.....
My parents have been married for over 30 years and they are happy. They are just entering their early retirement and seem happy to be there.
I feel like my hubby just got married too young. Even he will tell you that. I love being married. I know my husband feels the same.
I come from parents who were divorced after 23 years. I've been divorced, and so has my husband, both due to infidelities.
I don't really agree with either of those authors about marriage. I take a more realistic than moral approach. I think people are motivated by 2 things in relationships - boredom and passion. Of course after 20 years of marriage, a person is going to get bored sometime. That's why they say "it takes work!"
No, I'm not saying boredom is a good excuse to cheat. But the happiest of couples may go to great lengths to keep each other interested.
Awesome post. I'm off to read the articles now and will come back to comment later, may blog about it too. One of the Stepchicks bloggers posted an article about how divorcees have greater health problems than the rest of the population, even if they get re-married. Interesting that she should post that article on the same day as you wrote this.
PS- So fascinated that you have a degree in media literacy! I majored in Eng. Lit, but if I had to do it again, I'd do film studies, communications and feminist semiotics.
I'll post before I go read the articles (how bad of me!)
My father is on wife #4. My mother is on husband #5 (but he's the bio dad to one of my sisters).
When my parents married, it was dad's second and mom's third. She was 28 and dad was 31. My dad brought his 4 kids into the blender (me and my three brothers) and mom blended her three. It worked for 19 years.
Then mom split when my youngest brother was 18.
I left home when I was 18. Joined the military, got married at 19 and had my first daughter when I was 20. Had my second daughter 3 weeks before I turned 24. My marriage last 19 years...the last two my ex lived a double life. (You can read this particular story on http://serendipitysmiles.com - look under "Stories" and it's called "The End.")
I swore I'd never in a gazillion years get married again. That unless the proposal came with a crown and a country, why bother. I wasn't counting on the first boy I ever fell in love with to find me.
I went from zero to bug splat in less than 9 hours. We've been happily ever after married for almost 3 years now. You can also read this particular cavity inducing story on the same blog - under Stories, "Serendipity Smiles"
(which is also the title of my blog, and now you know why!)
Peggy
I'm sure everyone gets married either believing it will last or else not really caring if it does or not, but statistics speak for themselves: it's not likely to last. Marriage is overrated. Love is not. I just think true, respectful, giving love is rare as hell.
I think marriage can matter as much as love, but I don't think it's for everyone. I also think that marriage is generally taken too lightly these days. Our society seems to be becoming more and more of a disposable society, and I feel marriage gets viewed that way too. Some people don't put enough thought into who they're marrying, which can be disastrous after the infatuation fades away. That certainly isn't the case in all situations, but I do think it's a large part of the problem.
/my $.02
I haven't read the articles yet...but... Thought I'd jump in with a few thoughts.
My Hubby is divorced...and, I think part of their issue was that they were too young. They kind of had this idealized version of what a perfect marriage should be...Hubby off to work, Wife at home, 2 kids, 2 cars, house...yada yada the whole thing. They instantly learned life doesn't fit into this perfect little package and timeline. Both my Hubby and his Ex just fell apart when things didn't go as anticipated, and they realized that marriage was quite a bit of work. AND, they didn't really fit together...two great people that weren't great for each other.
I also think that there are a large number of people that just don't take marriage seriously. A guy I know who has been married for a year, introduced his wife to me as his "first wife." Later when I was talking with him I asked him why he called her his "first wife?" His response was "well, I married her with the expectation that we'd end up divorced." I couldn't believe it.
My Hubby and I go through times that we just don't like each other. We are kind of in one right now. BUT...we always respect and love each other. I can't imagine life without him. AND...hopefully...he can't imagine life without me!
Anyway..I'm rambling...but, wanted to share the words running around in my noggin.
Take care! And thanks for visiting me too!
Smooches,
Mel
Well, I'm not married. That being said, I think marriage is as personal and individual as a haircut, except much more involved and significant... and influencing on others. So maybe not a haircut, but you get my drift. For those who value it, I believe/hope it can be all they want it to be. For those who treat it like a right of passage in life, less good will come and probably heartbreak will follow.
But, like I said, I'm not married. I'd never try to tell someone how to bake a turkey if I'd never made one myself.
(I'm all sorts of weird comparisons today!)
I haven't read the articles yet, but as a person who is on her second and last marriage, I wanted to chime in.
My first marriage didn't break up because of infidelity or boredom. It wasn't something I wanted to save. Unlike some of the comments made, it wasn't an easy decision for me to end it, but I'm glad I did.
I was single and loving it. I realized after how hard divorce is that I'd rather be alone and happy than married and miserable. However, when I wasn't looking I met my hubby.
I adore him and vice versa. I want to grow old with him and it is different being a marriage where your spouse has confidence in self and respects you. It's completely different and I'm so happy I found him.
Personally, I think if the cheating party had respect for the spouse, they wouldn't be doing it.
MY view? I think that we've become a disposable society. And that includes relationships...
I Don't persoanlly agree with that view and try NOT to BE that in my own bubble. I have friends that I admire because the word 'divorce' or 'separation' or 'unfaithful' isn't IN their vocabulary.
Putting it IN the vocab is the first step to accepting it.
Maybe I was born in the wrong era...
:-)
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