A few weeks back, I was showing the kid some pictures on my Facebook account. He was "Awwwwwww"ing at a friend's new baby and laughing at an offroad expedition (4-wheeling) turned awry (someone's truck got stuck in the mud)."Can I have a Facebook?" he asked.
"Well, sure you can. But I think you should ask your mom if she's okay with it," I replied. Because, I would not be comfortable with my twelve-year-old having a Facebook account. And I would likely be murderously angry if someone else, who was not his mom or dad, helped him to set it up. Nothing ever came of it, so I thought no more about it.
Until I logged into my Facebook account this evening.
One friend request. From: The Kid (mom did give him permission and helped him set up his account).
>insert anxiety attack< Not twenty minutes after I discovered this, erm, situation, the phone rang. "Dad, do you have a Facebook account?" The Husband does not dabble in computer-related things. (But he could build you one hell of a house!) "Oh. Too bad. Well does EWO?"
Shit.
The Husband said he didn't know. Though he does know, because we both use my account to keep in touch with certain people. And obviously The Kid knows, because he sent me a friend request.
Now, my FB profile pic is NOT my photo; it is one of my favorite paintings. And there are plenty of other people (well, 4) with my married name. But I also use my maiden name on FB. Which clearly narrows it down to ME.
Over a glass (or two) of wine, I seriously stressed about how to address this issue. As much as I love him, I do NOT want The Kid to be one of my Facebook friends.
I came to this conclusion: when The Kid is over tomorrow, I am going to politely decline his friend request. I am going to explain that I don't want him to be in a potentially awkward situation at home regarding his access to my profile, so I think it is better that we remain strictly real-life friends.
But mostly, I just don't want his mom to have access to my personal information. I don't use Facebook often, and I really only have a handful of pictures on it (a few from our wedding, a few funny family/friend pictures etc.). There's no nudity or drug use. Though I may or may not have been drinking in some of the photos, there are no "drunk shots," nothing that makes me look like an alchie. But you never know who is going to tag you in a photo, or what a friend is going to write on your wall. That is just a level of familiarity I do NOT want her to have access to. And, I truly don't want her putting The Kid in an uncomfortable situation in order to gain said access.
Has anyone else encountered this dilemma? Or does anyone who has not encountered this dilemma have any suggestions?
Mainly, I just don't want him to feel rejected or have his feelings hurt.
Oi, technology. A blessing and a curse.
11 comments:
First off, I totally support your concerns about not wanting to be FB friends. And let's just say I learned the hard way. You could be honest with him and say that you want to respect his privacy too and that he may have "conversations" with his friends that he might not want you to see. If you let him try it out for awhile and he starts to see exactly how much you can find out about other people, he might think, "Oh, I don't want my parents to see that". You could tell him that you use it for work and business and you have to keep it professional. Then again, you could show him the clip from my post yesterday about E-Mom....if that doesn't send him running in the other direction, well then damn, you are just the coolest SM ever! - G
If you have EWO's email address, you can block her from seeing your photo. (This wouldn't keep her from asking the Kid if she can look at his profile, etc.) You can also limit what the kid can actually see on your profile (you can just let him see tiny bits of things, etc.).
Actually, you might want to go through your FB and check your privacy levels. If you two have any mutual friends, she already could be seeing stuff.
Right now, I have the boyfriend's daughter as a friend. (The boyfriend is also his daughter's friend.) I figure it will be awkward but it's more so for HER as we read some very interesting things.
If you want to decline his invitation, I think the way you suggested sounds perfectly reasonable.
(PS If you want to be paranoid, check out your Amazon profile. I discovered that an ex-gf of the BF found my amazon profile until I made it private.)
I'm friends with both my stepkids -- and their mom and stepdad and stepbrother -- on Facebook. I guess I don't feel confident that ANYthing I do on the internet can stay secret forever, so I don't post anything anywhere (except in the occasional private email) that I'm not okay with everybody finding eventually. In my case, I don't think the kids' mom is particularly interesting in seeing my pictures anyway... Our situations are probably different, though.
Wow. Tough call. If I were in your situation, I might be inclined to feel the same way. But since my SD is in my custody, I don't feel like anyone else could use her account to spy on me. Good luck letting him down easy.
Lori, thanks for the heads up on Amazon! Luckily we don't have any mutual friends so I'm good on that front.
I'm not afraid of what she will see on my FB, since I'm kinda dweeby. It's just the principle of her having access. I think The Kid might understand, as he's old enough to remember what she's done and to recognize her motives.
Eek!
To quote someone who helped me out in a similar situation :) I think facebook is evil. Your reasons are valid and you have to do what you are comfortable with. Hopefully the Kid will understand.
This would be a tough spot to get put in. I agree you should look at accepting him with very limited access or explain to him you no longer use your facebook and permantely block him and his mother so he can no longer see you have a profile. I really hope he understands, that would be tough at his age but I completely understand you not wanting his mother to use him to see your profile, because I am sure she would. Keep us posted. Thank you
I don't blame you at all for not wanting your hubby's ex to have access to your facebook. It might be slightly different if it was just the kid, but you know it won't be. I'd be wary there as well.
Considering I do the Facebook pages for my company I can totally understand. I would maybe mention that you'll reconsider being FB friends when he's an adult/older. Having a FB page means being able to express yourself and communicate and share things about your life. And in your situation I think your feelings are totally valid. Perhaps if you explain it as an adult communication thing that you'd rather wait to share with him until he's an adult. I think if you find the right approach without the whole "I don't want your mother to have access to my personal life" thing it would help the situation a lot.
Ugh! I completely understand. I have nieces and nephews as friends and I find I'm always thinking about 'what will they think?' when I'm typing a status update.
Maybe try explaining to him that shortly he won't want you to see all his Facebook stuff too (maybe that's when it's time for his dad to get an account and friend him to stay informed). Chances are he only wants to friend you because he wants to build his friend list, not because he wants to be your 'friend'. :)
EWO - I don't do anything on facebook that reveals anything too personal. I'm friends with three of my stepkids on FB, both my daughters, my skids' mom, and half her family (well, nearly everyone in her family). The only stepkid I'm no longer friends with is the one that lives with me 24/7. DH and I kicked him off facebook for inappropriate computer behavior. I had him log in to his account and then I changed his password. Only I know it...and I forgot it.
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