I found this article (published in 2000 in The American Journal of Family Therapy) last night while I was killing some time. Overall, I thought it was really interesting, especially the part where the author talks about waiting too long to take action when PAS rears it's head.
We didn't know what to do when The Ex started alienating The Husband. I guess we didn't even know there was a term for what she was doing. It all started when The Husband and I went on vacation with my parents. No cell phone service, no nothing. It was a lovely week away.
Until we got back.
Apparently, one of The Husband's friends got beat up pretty badly. He was found unconscious and brought to the hospital. They did routine bloodwork and found high levels of cocaine in his blood. When he woke up, he claimed he was with The Husband.
The Ex's father was a cop. His cop friends illegally called him to tell him of The Husband's "involvement" with this situation. The Ex leaves several scathing voicemails (while we are away and can't access them). A detective (friend of ex's father) comes to our house upon our return and harasses the shit outta The Husband. The cops stop returning phone calls. The Ex refuses to let The Husband see his son.
Yes, I realize involvement with narcotics should cause concern. But all of this false information was obtained illegally. We weren't even in town that weekend and had witnesses (and credit card charges) to prove it! The Husband's mistake? "It'll blow over, she'll get over it."
After almost three months of not seeing his son and some serious depression, we moved into a bigger house with a big yard and a nice room specifically for The Kid. The Husband calls The Ex, asks her when he can see his son. She asks him to go to the movies with him ("or hang out or something") (?), he says that is not appropriate, she tells him never to call her at work again.
Two more months pass. We go to the local parade because we know his son is marching in it. The Husband walks up the The Kid during the parade to say hi. The Kid starts crying.
The following week, The Husband gets a letter in the mail. It is from The Kid (and obviously coached) that says he would rather see his father dead ($1,000 reward) than alive ever again. He says he doesn't want to come to a house full of stupidheads (me). He says, "Dad, stop this. You are a bad father. You SUCK! I hate you and I want you to die." We still have this letter, filed away in a dark place.
The Husband cries for days. I could see the hurt eminating from his soul. He truly thinks his child hates him and gives up trying to see him. He occasionally leaves gifts for him (back to school supplies, other favorite things they used to do together) in The Ex's car with notes. (We later find out she trashes the notes and gives the gifts as if she herself picked them out.)
It took several lawyers (the first one was chummy with The Ex's cop dad and acted unethically, I got him disbarred as a result), the involvement of Child and Family Services and TWO YEARS to gain four-hour visitation once a week. The Ex gave The Kid her cell phone and told him that when his dad tried to kidnap him to call her and she would stop him. The first day the saw each other after the two year gap, she called The Kid 23 times in those four hours. When she found out they had gone for ice-cream the next town over she started screaming through the phone, hung up and called the cops to press a kidnapping charge against The Husband.
The Kid's reaction to seeing his father again for the first time? An enthusiastic thumbs-up, bounding to the car and repeatedly saying, "I really missed you dad. How've you been?"
Incredible.
There were some areas of the article that I felt were a bit forcefully written and hinge on stereotypes, but overall it was a really good insight into the problem of PAS. I didn't realize how widespread the problem was until I got involved in the stepmom blogging community (thanks gals!) and I certainly think it's amazing that The Kid doesn't let that horrible time of his life affect his love of his father. I think every stepfamily should be aware of PAS and be able to recognize the symptoms, both in ourselves and in the other parent, immediately.
The references section is also a great resource list for a number of different stepfamily issues.
Check it out.
7 comments:
I have read a lot about PAS. One of the best things we have done is be totally honest with the kids and encourage them to question their own statements instead of just arguing with them. We try to equip them to defend themselves against the poison they are fed every day. It is shameful kids have to defend themselves this way against a parent.
Amazing story. I am so sorry you, husband and the kid have had to deal with this situation, and I hope everything has been resolved. I assume so, since you blogged about the kid's insomnia..
PAS is really inexcusable and yet it happens all the time under the veil of 'protecting my child'. When all it really does is damage them. Good story, it showed the impact of PAS well.
Oh sorry! I thought the story you conveyed was actually the article you were referring to! It's awful that YOU actually had to go through that with your husband. Still a good example for others to see, but terrible that you had to live it.
We don't experience to such a severe degree, but bio-mom has the Kid so brain washed into thinking we are the reason she has no money, lives in an apartment, ect ect. And they both always have an excuse as to why it's ok for her to be lazy or whatever, and we should pick up the slack. Then we don't and we look like the bad guys, not her. Crazy how responsible=bad....
It is one thing to be annoyed with your ex, but another to sabotage his/her relationship with their child.
Seriously, unless the ex is dangerous to the well being of a child, keep opinions to one's self.
Your poor stepson is going to have some major issues growing up from the lies this woman is planted in his brain.
In my opinion, putting her bitterness above the love of her child is wrong...and a bad mother.
And be aware that there are groups that want to ban the use of the term "PAS" in courts and child custody discussions. There's a party that believes its made up and only takes children away from the better parent. Don't use the term with mediators or judges. Just talk about manipulation.
The best book is Divorce Poison by Dr. Warshak.
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