Long Time No Blog

Honestly, I just haven't had the energy to devote any time to this weblog lately. When I started writing, this place was the best area for me to vent my frustrations and share my joys.
But lately, I have felt nothing but frustration. And I don't think it's fair to only share frustration.
In a nutshell, my life has been completely turned upside down.
I've still been the primary caregiver for The Kid (a la my last post). But there's more to that.....
The Kid threatened suicide to a friend at school. After much hullabaloo, he's now in counseling and living with us full-time. He seems to be doing better, and we're doing everything we can to be supportive.
We have also been having some serious problems with our house (we are renters - buying at coastal New England prices isn't in the cards for us right now) which may force us to move right smack in the middle of the holidays. Awesome.
Oh, and I'm pregnant again. But please, no congratulations (however, do go give some hearty congrats to Life of a Stepmama who is due just two days after me!). Though we saw a heartbeat at our first scan, the embryo is measuring very very small, and we were given a 50% chance that it would stick around. I go back in one week to see if it has grown or if I'll need to schedule another D&C. If this one doesn't stick, I'm back on birth control. I really can't do this anymore. Especially not with The Kid walking around as a reminder that is, in fact, me who is the problem.
I am mentally and physically exhausted, so of course interacting here on the interweb has been furthest from my mind. Please know that even if I haven't been commenting, I have been reading and you are all in my thoughts.

All Quiet on the Stepmom Front

The Kid was due back to our house Friday after school. I had to go straight from my full-time job to my part-time job. I wouldn't have been home until after 9, if I had decided to go right home. Instead, I opted for a late dinner and a few adult beverages with a friend and I got home well after everyone was asleep. Saturday, I got up to head back to my part-time job and left the house before anyone woke up. Saturday night The Kid went to his mother's. I didn't see him all weekend, and I didn't hear a peep about our last conversation from anyone.
Yesterday was one of those days. I had an annoying site visit for work, and then I took the afternoon off to take care of some things at the DMV. After the site visit, I popped home for a quick bite before going to hell register my car. Only to find that my dog had an accident...on my bed. Cleaned it up. Went to DMV. Waited three hours for a 5 minute transaction. Finally leave DMV and head to the gym to blow off some steam.
As I'm standing by the mirror untangling my headphones, The Ex wanders out of the shower. I haven't seen her at the gym in ages. Apparently she was surprised to see me too, since when she noticed me she gasped and dropped her towel. I have since gouged my own eyes out and filled the empty sockets with Tabasco sauce.
Other than her obvious surprise, she did not acknowledge me (normal). Neither did she stab me or otherwise inflict any sort of physical harm, indicating that The Kid's recent realization was not mentioned to her and if it was she is taking it really well (I'm leaning towards the former).
*Breathes out huge sigh of relief.*
I know this doesn't mean that it won't come up or that there won't be a storm, but in the meantime I'm enjoying the peace and quiet.

Now here's the part that confuses me: The Kid's basketball team practices at my gym, usually at the same time I'm there. He never looks for me to say hello, which is fine by me. I'm usually a sweaty mess and in no position for conversation. Plus, it's hard to see in the fitness room from the lobby so he's never actually seen me there unless I walk out to the lobby. Well, yesterday, the day that his mother was also at the gym and knew that I was there, he came bounding in to the fitness room to say hi. Just to say hi, not to ask for any favors. I know he didn't see me from the lobby; he couldn't have because of the machine I was using. I know his mom told him I was there and gave him permission to say hi before they left. What I don't get is...WHY? She refuses to talk to me, only makes eye contact by accident and spins on her heel if we are left in close proximity to each other so that her back is to me. She could have easily walked him out and taken him home with no further thought. But she chose to let him know I was there and let him talk to me. Weird.
Any insights into this behavior are greatly appreciated. Because, of course, I can't believe she's just being nice.

Nothin' But Net

Some of you may remember that over the summer I received my first invite to one of The Kid's school events. This was a huge breakthrough in my "stepmom" role and I was hoping for the opportunity to participate in more school events.
Well last week was The Kid's first basketball game of the season. I've seen him at a few practices since he practices at my gym, where I reside most afternoons. I'd been asking him when the games started, but true to teenage form he had no clue. Last Wednesday, The Husband informed me that Thursday would be the first game. And uncharacteristically, I invited myself. I asked The Husband to clear it with The Kid first (the last think I wanted was him to be thrown off by my presence and play badly). He said The Kid was fine with it and so I planned on going.
As Thursday wore on, I got nervous about going. I've never been in a confined space with The Ex and I was worried about that. I was worried about the reactions of the other parents, who have heard less than savory stories about my character. In any experience that involves all members of this blenderfuck, I assume the worst and so I was worried. My stomach was in knots. My heart was pounding. Around lunchtime I decided not to go. I mean, in six years I've not really been (allowed to go) to anything. It's not like he would miss me. I would go to the gym and sweat out the anxiety and have a nice night at home with my family, where I would hear all about the game.
The game started at 3. At 2:56 I had a call from The Husband. I didn't answer it, because I didn't want to let him know I was wimping out. He left a voicemail, which, of course, I listened to right away.
"Hey, just wondering if you're coming to the game. I just picked The Kid up from school and we're on our way to the court. See you there, I guess." Still, easy enough to wimp out. Until, as The Husband was hanging up the phone I heard The Kid ask, "Is she coming? Is she coming??"
Dammit. No wimping out now.
I threw on my coat, hopped in my car and headed to the game, a bundle of nerves all the way.
Once I got there, the small parking lot was full-up. Wait, there was a spot! The only spot left in the lot. It is, youguessedit, right next to The Ex's car. (Bullocks.) Park. Call husband to tell him I'm here.

Deep breath.


Deeeeeeeep breath.

He came outside to find me, warned me we'd have to walk by The Ex as soon as we got in the court. In we go.
Apparently, no one told The Ex I was showing up. This was immediately evident from her body language ( she looked like someone shoved an electrically charged rod up her poop chute).
Evil me cracked a small, discreet smile. I didn't know I could make her that uncomfortable!
Otherwise, we ignored each other and watched the game from opposite ends of the bleachers. The Kid's team got C.R.E.A.M.E.D. But they were good-natured about it, and I had a blast watching him. I really did.
After the game, he looked over and his face lit up. He apparently had not noticed me walk in.
"You made it!" he exclaimed as he bounded over.
"Wouldn't have missed it for anything!" I replied, "Now go see your mom." (Thanks to all the reading on other smom blogs, I was prepared to shoo him off to him mom first so she wouldn't get upset). He ran over to his mom, gave her hugs and kisses and then consorted with the various teenage hooligans in the hallway.
Suddenly, I heard my name called from down the hall. A sharp, female voice. I froze in place and looked in the direction of the voice. It was not an awkward confrontation, as I had assumed. It was one of The Kid's friend's moms, who I know primarily from The Kid but also from around town. We stopped to chat, which impeded my lightening-fast getaway, but it was nice to have positive recognition from another parent.
The Husband waited for me while The Kid walked outside with his mom. Once we were all outside, The Kid asked which car he was going home in. The Husband said whichever he wanted, and The Kid said he would go in mine. (Keep in mind, my husband's truck looks something like this, and my car, while old and beat up, is a bit more, um, normal-looking.) I was shocked that he would choose to come with me right in front of his mom, so I piped up, "Okay. I'm parked right next to mom." Just to be sure he was cool with it.
"Okay, let's go!" he said.
And so The Kid, The Ex and I walked to our cars. In a perfectly awkward silence. Because, you know, she and I don't talk. He said goodbye to his mom (he was at our house for the next few days) and we left. He was happy as a clam, oblivious to the dense tension surrounding the whole situation. Which made me happy. I mean, this is our problem, not his. And, judging from his actions it is not affecting him. Good for all of us!

The best part, for me, is that I don't have to wait for sporadic invites or invite myself to school events anymore. Last night, at dinner, The Kid asked if I was coming to his game today. I said I would but Dad wouldn't be able to go. He said, "At least you'll be there." Going to this game, such a normal occurrence for most parents, was a huge step. It broke down so many barriers.

I can't wait to go watch The Kid's team get creamed again today (they really aren't very good...).

6 November

The real world has been beating me senseless lately. I've got some serious deadlines at work and, on top of that, my non-work life has decided to throw some surprises my way. All of this means no time to blog. I haven't even signed in to blogger since last Friday. I miss you guys!!! I don't know when I'll have a chance to catch up on all your adventures, but I hope it's soon.
A few blogable updates:
1.) We have entered into discussions of a more equal custody situation with The Kid. There has even been talk of him coming to live with us. At first I said "NONONO!" because it was too much change at once. But then I thought, this means we'll have weekends again! The Husband and I haven't spent a weekend night together in nearly 4 years. Maybe it won't be so bad.
2.) The Ex got engaged to her boyfriend of 2 1/2 months last week. The Kid really likes the guy (personally, I think it's because he has a dog and The Kid looooooooooves dogs, but whatev). She's all giddy and in love and we have the kid nearly every night so she can stay at her boyfriends house. I have become one helluva lunch maker.
3.) I've started having anxiety attacks. I'm not sure what's causing them, but I have a hunch. I've been sweating myself into oblivion at the gym trying to redirect my energy. Alas, I've decided that I need to do a team sport to find some sistah-hood and give myself a physical outlet that's not quite so monotonous. So...
4.) I'm trying out for roller derby. Wish me luck. Because I'm not sure if I can skate. But I know I can be badass.
5.) Christmas is in 7 weeks. WTF? The Kid wants an Airsoft M14 Sniper Rifle. The Husband wants a paintball gun. I want my husband to pay the rent. Meh, two outta three ain't bad.

Happy November to you all; I can't wait to get back in the swing of things and catch up!