Long Time No Blog

Honestly, I just haven't had the energy to devote any time to this weblog lately. When I started writing, this place was the best area for me to vent my frustrations and share my joys.
But lately, I have felt nothing but frustration. And I don't think it's fair to only share frustration.
In a nutshell, my life has been completely turned upside down.
I've still been the primary caregiver for The Kid (a la my last post). But there's more to that.....
The Kid threatened suicide to a friend at school. After much hullabaloo, he's now in counseling and living with us full-time. He seems to be doing better, and we're doing everything we can to be supportive.
We have also been having some serious problems with our house (we are renters - buying at coastal New England prices isn't in the cards for us right now) which may force us to move right smack in the middle of the holidays. Awesome.
Oh, and I'm pregnant again. But please, no congratulations (however, do go give some hearty congrats to Life of a Stepmama who is due just two days after me!). Though we saw a heartbeat at our first scan, the embryo is measuring very very small, and we were given a 50% chance that it would stick around. I go back in one week to see if it has grown or if I'll need to schedule another D&C. If this one doesn't stick, I'm back on birth control. I really can't do this anymore. Especially not with The Kid walking around as a reminder that is, in fact, me who is the problem.
I am mentally and physically exhausted, so of course interacting here on the interweb has been furthest from my mind. Please know that even if I haven't been commenting, I have been reading and you are all in my thoughts.

Tomorrow, Shmoo-morrow

Remember how I ended my last post..."but more on that tomorrow?"
The that in the situation being backing away from my stepmom role and living my own life?
Hahahahaha.
Oh. The irony.
That night, I left work and went to the gym. After my workout, I checked my phone and had three missed calls from The Husband. I called him back and he answers, "Hey, when are you going to be home?"
"I'm on my way, why?"
"Well, I'm going to be working late tonight so I need you home with The Kid."
*silence*
"Hello?"
"I'll be home in 10 minutes," I grunted.
I wasn't angry, per se, I just wasn't told he was working late and was completely unprepared to devote all my energy to The Kid. Feeding him my "gross food." Chasing him around to get his homework done and take a shower. Sitting with him until bedtime because he cannot seem to entertain himself. Arguing with him to go to bed. I was a bit frustrated.
What happened to this new proclamation that I was going to have a life again?! Of course I would help out this one night, though.
It turned to anger when my husband informed me that he would be working late every night for the next 6 weeks. I don't care how late he works when we don't have The Kid - we need the money, especially with Christmas approaching. I was angry that he scheduled all of this extra work on nights we had The Kid without even asking me if I was busy or willing to pick up his parenting slack.
My best friend was coming back from a year away on one of those nights and I have been dying to see her. Now I couldn't because I had to be a "parent." I couldn't follow through with most of the plans I made that week because The Husband failed to inform me of my newly-minted duties.
Not much more than one year ago, I wasn't allowed to drive The Kid anywhere in case his mother saw me with him. Then she got a boyfriend-turned-fiance, and, though she still won't talk to me, I can do whatever I want with The Kid so long as she gets to be with her boyfriend. Suddenly, I'm spending more time with this kid then either of his parents. Not fair!
I told The Husband that since his court ordered visitation is only Saturdays from 10am to 4 pm (The Ex has sole custody, but we usually take 50/50 physical custody now that she has a distraction boyfriend) that until this work streak was over, the primary custodian could take care of her child and we would take weekends.
He said no.
We didn't speak for three days.
Needless to say, by the next day the post about my new-found freedom was bunk. And, I was too busy carting The Kid around to his various activities to post. Then, this weekend I got sick.
And so, here I am.
Getting ready to pick up The Kid from school because mom is off with her boyfriend and dad is working. Did I mention I'm working too? Rearranging my hours to drop him off/pick him up/get him to lessons and friends houses etc. I'm exhausted.
Don't get me wrong, I love getting some one-on-one time with The Kid, but this was a bit much. And it not being something we agreed to, I was, well, livid when I found out that the next six weeks had been decided for me.
Of course we won't be changing any parenting time throughout this ordeal. I've convinced myself it's better for The Kid to be with us.
But after this next 6 weeks, we have some major reevaluating to do.

A Good Role Model?

I've mentioned before how The Kid's grandparents are going through a really messy divorce. I try not to do more than mention it because it really is none of my business, though parts of the shitshow definitely do affect me and my family. We live in a small city surrounded by two very small towns. The Ex lives with her mother in one of the towns. The Grandfather now lives in the other town.
Historically, he's been terrible to both The Husband and I (moreso my husband though). The Husband's whole relationship with The Ex was filled with threats from The Grandfather and lots and lots of manipulation of the system (The Grandfather was a cop *sigh*). The verbal venom spewed from this man has been matched only by his soon-to-be ex-wife.
Then he left her/got kicked out (I'll leave that to your imagination).
Based on their behavior over the years, this came as a great shock to The Husband and I. After nearly 40 years of marriage they were divorcing. Naturally, it took a HUGE toll on The Kid. He'd already been through one terrible divorce. Now, just 5 years later, he has to watch another terrible divorce, this time with much more malevolence and an older consciousness with which to remember it by.
He responded by claiming he hated his grandfather. I believe this was largely due to the fact that he was still living with his grandmother and so saw her sadness and heard her rancor. The past two years have been wrought with his disdain for his grandfather, who has hasn't seen in just as long. We try to listen respectfully so that he can vent and correct him if he says something threatening or violent.
I see The Grandfather a few times a week at the gym. He used to ignore me but now stares at me until I look him. Then he will often wave or nod or something. After I married The Husband he actually came over and said, "Congratulations. I wish you the all the best." Doesn't sound like much, but coming from him this is pretty incredible.There seems to be a great sadness to him now.
I think the much of this sadness stems from not seeing The Kid. As a retiree, he practically raised The Kid. Dropped him off to school, picked him up from school, had "sleepovers" (even though they lived together) every Saturday. That child is his light and his life. And he hasn't seem him in two years. And he knows that The Kid thinks ill of him.
I think the whole situation is very sad.
We often drive by The Grandfather, or see his car parked somewhere we're running an errand (small towns!) and this always changes The Kid's mood to a sour one. He gets upset and then angry and then withdrawn. I usually use this opportunity to reassure him that if he ever wants to talk to his grandfather again all he needs to do is let someone know.This is a no-pressure thing, but I don't want him to fall into the same trap that he did when he was alienated from his father. I simply want him to know the option to communicate is there, whether to express how his feelings are hurt or to explain how he misses their time together. And he's always let me know that he never wants to talk to that $%&#*@ again.
Until last night.
After school, out of nowhere, he said he wants to talk to his grandfather. But, he wants to do it on our time, not when he is with his grandmother and/or mother. Don't worry, there is nothing sneaky about this. He just doesn't want this valuable time to be interrupted by hate and knows he will get privacy if he chooses to meet with him on our time.
I'm so proud of The Kid for admitting he needs to talk with his grandfather, for we've known this was the case for months. It demonstrates incredible maturity and independence; he's no longer idly listening to whatever information is pumped to him but rather trying to make decisions himself. As parents, it also makes The Husband and I proud to know that The Kid feels comfortable enough to be honest with us. The Grandfather is The Ex's father and has no relation to us. If anything, when The Husband's divorce was final, that was a good bye and good riddance relationship. I often wonder if The Kid sees through our efforts to be civil, but this instance proves that he trusts us and our support of all his family relationships.
I'll admit it sucks to smile and nod when he talks about people who have caused us so much hurt. But this whole scenario proves that it is worth it if your main objective really is the well-being of the child.
And for me, its one of the first instances where I feel like I've really had a hand in helping to raise this child. All those years of sucking it up, taking the high road and (feigning) forgiveness pay off when I see The Kid give forgiveness a chance. Maybe I have been a good role model after all.